Things That Will Burn In Hell with Phoenix West

Like a mobile Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit. If you're trying to replicate the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man you're doing a swell job.

I like pink. Pink likes me. But nobody likes to listen to Pink. Even Pink hates Pink but loves pink. Pink's pink is barely pink even when decorated in pink. I don't know anymore.

Stay the fuck off us. I'm not here to be your enjoyment.

Must lose weight before this fast food poetry series makes me a fool. Yet again, a sexual poem about fast food served up with extra pickles (1) in only the way Things That Will Burn In Hell can.

Back again for more hot bumper sticker talk. Not sure why I didn't just make this all one chapter in the book but that's 2006 Phoenix for you. I can't explain that guy. I still hate bumper stickers t…

Part 1 of 2 on those sticky bastards made to advertise your shitty beliefs on your car bumper. This is the exact place to post your opinions to gain respect. Just makes sense.

Ten simple rules for fixing this sport. "But it's perfect the way it is." Just use your imagination and you'll see you're wrong.

This episode started off as a rant about not being able to say the phrase 'god dammit' but ended up being a rageful rant about my goddamn phone and its nonstop goddamn ringing and beeping while I was…

Can we just stop doing this? Just say nothing instead. It's better than the weather or your stupid fucking kids that nobody likes.

We already covered limp handshakes so now let's discuss the eleveated aerial vertical near-handshakes. AKA high-fives. Also I talk about Pauly Shore but it's all in good fun. It's because I hate fun.

I feel like M. Night's career is one big performance like Andy Kauffman. Only nobody is laughing. Except his bank account. Either way, fuck all but 2 of his movies.

Dad hit/yelled/touched me so now I have to speed drink at bars while yelling at others for not misery drinking like I do. Thank you to all the shitty fathers out there for creating these people.

Ten years of suck. Stop pretending it wasn't.

Yet another round of shitting on this song. If you purchase ten thousand spoons then irony is the least of your worries.

Lonely? You're the perfect victim for the saint of archery/murder. He will fucking shoot you with a razor sharp arrow in the goddamn heart so hard that you will be forced into loving another person. …

Introducing the new luxury automobile from Nextel: The 2018 Nextel Shitty. Watch the episode to understand that one. Or not. The image explains it all, really. Nextel 2 Way phones were a great and co…

Remember that shitty Kristen Stewart movie that was vaguely supernatural? Not narrowing it down enough? This one was driven by crows. The crows showed up with the plot and a family straight out of Fu…

Whoever invented the paper cone cup probaby never used one. It's a quick way to ruin not only paper but also water, your shoes and the dryness of the floor all at the same time.

Wet noodle handshakes are a quick way to figure out if someone is a puss. Ladies, this applies to you as well. Just shake the goddamn hand and stop acting like a princess. Fellas, this applies to you…

To be honest the midwest is a fine place to live. Phoenix needed to escape it though after growing up in Michigan. If you want your 2 year old car to have severe rust spots then this is your place. A…