The New Ark
Fun fact: the Earth's about to explode. So we've launched The New Ark podcast to pick which animals to save, sailing through space to find Earth 2.0. New episodes each Friday. Follow along @newarkhives to leave your votes. All complaints in white ink. No refunds or returns.
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- Update frequency
- every 6 days
- Average duration
- 47 minutes
- Episodes
- 46
- Years Active
- 2021 - 2023
Chameleons
This episode: a starfish of chameleons in an aquarium. Also Saf misspells chameleon. Elliot plays the race card and reveals God's OG rules for animals on the ark. No longer will chameleons blend in a…
00:51:06 |
Tue 10 May 2022
Bears
So they killed 26 little children in the Bible, but never mind- bears are great, right? Then again, how did Goldilocks die? And what's up with the sloth bear ripping out peoples faces whilst they're …
00:51:31 |
Tue 03 May 2022
Bees
In this un-bee-lievably bee-eautiful episode, the honey-tongued Saf defends bees against Elliot's lambasts. Inventors of democracy or imperialist autocracy? Hive mind or mindless bombing suicides? An…
00:57:33 |
Tue 26 Apr 2022
Wolves
How do you catch a wolf with one hand down its throat? Listen in to find out. Fairy tale villains or misunderstood cretins- all will be revealed as Elliot and Saf sink their teeth into the gritty bus…
00:51:13 |
Tue 19 Apr 2022
Fungi
Saf's been eaten by fungi and now they're here to claim their mouldy old spot on the ark. They're not even animals but hey- who cares? They're serial killers anyway, so it take a very stupid person t…
00:42:26 |
Tue 12 Apr 2022
Bats
They rhyme with cats, which is always a bad omen, but will bats make it on the ark? Only time will tell. And a rant or two from Elliot along the usual lines- bats being responsible for both COVID and…
00:51:46 |
Tue 05 Apr 2022
Raccoons
Raccoons are obese good-for-nothing big black-and-white rats. Or are they? In this marvellous episode, Elliot fails abysmally to find a more popular Marvel film than Guardians of the Galaxy and we di…
00:58:09 |
Tue 29 Mar 2022
Anglerfish
Anglerfish: dope or deep sea shit? Rapists or celibate saints? Slave drivers or shining beacons of hope? In the first and only episode of The New Ark not to reference Jurassic Park, we dive into the …
00:53:09 |
Tue 22 Mar 2022
Girpigeodile
Welcome to the inaugural Royal Rumble. Up for debate this week: not one but three animals which you the audience couldn't decide on. Pigeons, crocodiles and giraffes all get successively bigged up th…
00:42:28 |
Tue 15 Mar 2022
Snakes
Thisssss week: it'sssss dessseption and ssssnake oil for our sssssslithering animal guesssssst. Prepare for ssssssibilance galore as Elliot revels in stringing up snakes and Saf triessss to ssssave t…
01:00:23 |
Tue 08 Mar 2022
Armadillos
This week: armoured dildos... oops- damn autocorrect! This week: armadillos!! Leprosied lunatics and cancerous cretins, these creatures' reputations take one hell of a beating. Is their chance at ark…
00:47:13 |
Tue 01 Mar 2022
Butterflies
This week: chrysalises crucified in a caterpillarific episode. Butterflies bashed as genocidal maniacs with appalling personal hygiene standards. Will they fly high or had they better flee? Arch enem…
00:54:02 |
Tue 22 Feb 2022
Parrots
Polly might want a strong shot of whisky after hearing this episode. Brigands, imperialists, sexists, antifeminists and idiots who can only count to six; it's pandemonium for parrots' reputations thi…
00:56:24 |
Tue 15 Feb 2022
Chimpanzees
Are our closest relatives saints or sinners? Chimps are on the chopping block this week with hose-based pranks and Hollywood 'facts' serving as damning testimony against them. They've already been ba…
00:55:02 |
Tue 08 Feb 2022
Frogs
This week: Saf questions the nature of good and evil whilst Elliot bitches about Disney princesses. We have our first ever joke for the podcast and learn how to get high off skin secretions from the …
01:02:18 |
Tue 01 Feb 2022
Pandas
Prepare for pandamonium this week as Saf pulls out all stops and Elliot seeks to sabotage Chinese culture and government. Nothing is black and white on this all-out showdown featuring panda monks pis…
00:49:00 |
Tue 25 Jan 2022
Giraffes
Towering examples of animal excellence or just the usual pains in the neck? That's right- this week giraffes are under scrutiny to see whether their high-brow image stands up to Elliot's 'piss in the…
00:50:14 |
Tue 18 Jan 2022
Kangaroos
Hop on board as we head Down Under and buckle up- 'cos you know what they say about beasts with big feet!! Listen in close for The New Ark's first and only improv game show segment, then head to @new…
01:01:39 |
Tue 11 Jan 2022
Ferrets
They're like really long rats, but can they weasel their way onto The New Ark? Tune in to find out. The furry fiends are a farmer's worst friend and (spoiler alert) they die if they don't have sex, b…
00:44:38 |
Mon 03 Jan 2022
Pigeons
Dove of peace of fat winged rat? Here's your chance to find out. Will the infamous pigeon stand up to the grilling of The New Ark's cross-examining or can we expect a New Year's squab to join the Chr…
00:43:10 |
Fri 31 Dec 2021
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