Secret Sesh

Let’s get it

You think you know a guy, but then you find out he’s a tractor. What do you do?

More often than not, I find myself asking the big questions like "Where is my squatty potty, goddammit!"

I heard a story from your dad. He is PISSED. You better call your mom, it's her birthday and you're being petulant.

This was a really big joint interrupted my lawn care workers. Twice. Maybe three times.

What else is there to say? He was great. He was quick. He was kinder than anyone I had ever met. I'll miss you, Mr. Clean.

I am just a vessel- I carry the poop to the toilet. The circle of life.

If you're gonna wash my car, use your elbows. Not only will I get a better view of your biceps, but it's a more effective way to scrub.

Big time moves. Small time crooks. Get your hand out of the damn cookie jar or I'm calling your parents

I am so tired of explaining myself- the tape goes in the drawer and the light has to be off when you're yelling at my son and the plumber is on the way!

Let's get one thing straight- you can't spell Octopus without CTO. Chief Technology Officer. Of the Sea.

Gotta get up to get down and gotta get down to eat ass.

Bring out your dead, bring out your fun. Sometimes cleanliness is harder than filth.

Sometimes you eat ice cream too late at night and you really feel it the next morning. Really ruins your afternoon. I'm gonna do it.

Beans don't make farts, I make farts. And I'm all out of beans.

Had a little mini meltdown. I'm fine.

Eventually my body will stop hurting, but it won't be today.

Sure, birds can fly- but can they dig? No! At least, I don't think so. You know what, if a bird can fly and dig, it's probably not friendly. Trust no one. Fear everything.

Crumbs in the couch, crumbs in my shirt, call me a damn crumb cake (if you dare).