I Woke Up This Gay
I WOKE UP THIS GAY
-A podcast by Stuart Merrill, LGBTQ+ rights activist, lobbyist and public speaker on diversity.
The miracle of diversity we devoted our lives to create is under threat.
NOT ON MY WATCH!
In "I WOKE UP THIS GAY" I recall our LGBTQ+ history and my 50+ years of experiences as an out gay man, activist, advocate and lobbyist. During that time I worked for various U.S. intelligence agencies, various news organizations and eventually as a professional LGBTQ+ rights lobbyist.
I've lived and worked as an openly gay man in 6 countries including the USA, the Soviet Union, Germany and South Africa. I have also traveled and worked in 50+ countries.
Born into a prominent Mormon family in 1960, my gay journey began at the age of 12 when our Mormon Bishop commanded the men in my life, including my older brother and Scout Master, to beat the queer out of me. The violence continued for the rest of my childhood. (Episodes 2, 4, 8, 9, 10, 14, 15 & 19)
Primarily raised by my Russian mother speaking Russian, German & English. (See episodes 2, 3, 4 & 10), I was recruited out of high school to work for United States intelligence agencies and became the first American allowed to keep my top secret security clearance after coming out as a gay man. (Episode 3).
I came of age during the LGBTQ+ rights movement and the AIDS epidemic in North America, Eastern and Western Europe. (Episodes 2, 5, 7, 14 & 15).
I returned to Utah as an adult and founded an LGBTQ+ rights advocacy organization. We successfully lobbied to increase state and federal funding for HIV medication, hate crimes legislation and LGBTQ+ rights bills. (Episodes 21, 22, 23, 24 & 25).
While living in Moscow my boyfriend became the hero of the 1991 revolution that ended Communism in Russia. Two days later he was arrested, tortured and murdered by the KGB for being a prominent gay activist (Episode 1).
I watched a man beaten to death by gay bashers in New York City while the armed policeman standing right next to me refused to stop it, or even take my witness statement (Episode 8).
By the age of 30 most of my friends were dead, or dying from AIDS. When my best friend Stevie was dying of pneumonia his nurses were not allowed to give him oxygen because he had AIDS. That's when I vowed to become an activist. (Episode 5).
The best way to fight the recent upsurge in anti LGBTQ+ legislation, rhetoric and violence is to tell our stories. We must remind people what it was like when we were the focus of America's hatred, discrimination and violence.
My name is Stuart Merrill
And
I Woke Up This Gay!
- Update frequency
- every 29 days
- Average duration
- 28 minutes
- Episodes
- 37
- Years Active
- 2022 - 2025
16. A Sleaze Ball in Sydney
As you may have noticed I rewrote and recorded this episode about my mum, but now its twice as long as it was before. I've divided it into two episodes, 10.1 and 10.2. I put a great deal of love into…
10.2 That Crazy Foreign Woman, Part 2
As you may have noticed I rewrote and recorded this episode about my mum, but now its twice as long as it was before. I've divided it into two episodes, 10.1 and 10.2. I put a great deal of love into…
15. It Was Just Fags, Who Cares?
The age of death and AIDS was finally over. I had always imagined a huge celebration, like when we won World War II, but there wasn't so much as a whimper. After all It Was Just Fags, So Who Cares?…
14. My Parents Were The Mormon Barbie & Ken
At the age of 12 I was an effeminate spoiled child born into a prominent Mormon family. Using the voice of the terrified, confused child I was, I describe what it felt like when my Mormon Bishop comm…
13. My Insidious, Self-Reflexive Racism
Until Americans of all races are able to admit our inner most insidious racist thoughts and sit down and openly discuss them with each other we're stuck.
I'm an old white man, who happens to be gay, b…
12. Generation Miracle
Recently I was asked to give an address to some middle school students in Oregon City about the importance of embracing diversity. I shared with them our nation's history of hate speech, turning into…
11. Nils
Nils was a symphony in gravitas. Of all my departed friends I will always miss Nils the most. In this episode I recall our last week together on Fire Island and the discussion of our favorite novel "…
10.1 That Crazy Foreign Woman, Part 1
As you may have noticed I rewrote and recorded this episode about my mum, but now its twice as long as it was before. I've divided it into two episodes, 10.1 and 10.2. I put a great deal of love in…
9. Cache Valley
Early Mormon history of my polygamist Mormon Family who first settled Cache Valley in Northern Utah and southern Idaho. I recall some of my fondest childhood memories in the lovely little Norman Rock…
8. Tell Your Story
How do you make privileged, heterosexual, white Americans understand what it feels like to watch a man beaten to death and know there was no place to go for prevention, protection, justice, or even t…
7. The Indestructible Collective Consciousness of Queers
I had to reluctantly leave my wonderful gay life in Berlin Germany and return to America at the same time I discovered I was HIV+. I remember the joys and sorrows of gay life in America during the AI…
6. Comrade Minister
While working for Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty, (RFE/RL,) I accidentally kidney punched my political hero, President Jimmy Carter, at a symposium in Kazakhstan. Upon returning to the RFE/RL office…
5. Empty Chairs At Empty Tables
We, America's gay children of the 70s and 80s, had started off with such promise and so much hope. We honestly convinced ourselves we would be the generation who gave the world gay rights. Instead, w…
4. Oh My Heck! There's a Gosh Darn Faggot In Our Zionist Utahpia
Growing up in a prominent Mormon family, this episode chronicles my journey from being the victim of church ordered child abuse, to cure my homosexuality, to gay rights activist taking on the Mormon …
3. Top Secret
Working with the KGB on the behest of U.S. intelligence agencies, I became the FIRST OUT GAY American allowed to keep my TOP SECRET security clearance after coming out, only to be ultimately betrayed…
2. An Interesting Life
As a child my beloved aunt asked me to decide what kind of life I wanted to create for myself. I wanted an interesting life and became a gay rights activist and lobbyist. "Interesting lives are hard,…
1. Russia Doesn't Have Gay Heroes
The untold story of Kostya, the GAY HERO of the 1991 revolution that ended communism in Russia. Two days later he was assassinated by the KGB because RUSSIA DOESN'T HAVE GAY HEROES. I rewrote and re…