Day 01 of the Weight Loss Diaries

Day 01. I stood on the scale this morning and I'm two hundred eighteen pounds. I'd rather say 218 (two-eighteen) because that sounds like an Interstate or an apartment number or the number of marbles in a jar but two hundred eighteen sounds reeeally heavy. What does this number mean to me? This number means I'm overweight.  Actually obese. No actually, actually morbidly obese I mean I weigh as much as a football player-an NFL football player. I weigh more than my husband. I always have. It feels overwhelming. It feels disturbing It feels disheartening. I feel disgusted by it. I feel afraid. I'm a fairly smart and confident person. I've had a lot of success and many areas of my life. Weight loss has not been one of them. 

What do I want to believe about this number on the scale? Well in spite of all the thoughts that are banging at the door of my mind right now, I'm choosing to believe that this number is just a number. It doesn't define who I am. It doesn't say how trusting of a friend I am or how committed I am to my husband, or how nurturing a parent I am, or how productive I am as a or co-worker. Yet somehow I've made it out to mean that I am failing in some way. Being overweight has overshadowed a lot of my life in ways that I never really thought about but now that I'm giving myself to a time to think and pray deeply through it, I have more of an intentional thought life around weight loss. I'm creating a new narrative in the messy middle and getting to after. Step One. Do Not Quite. No matter what. 

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