Thank You For Your Service.

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I went against everything I believed in and put aside my stance and got my friend a job where I worked. This is not something I have ever done outside of my best friend who I have worked with several times before. - For several months I felt like a hypocrite.

This person was a close friend who had been unemployed for 12 months, she told me this in the middle of the pandemic where the roles in my sector were slower than usual due to covid. I went against my better judgment I went against my personal views on this I couldnt reconcile myself with the fact that I was less of a friend for not knowing my close friend was struggling and unemployed and had been for an entire year when I had the contacts and opportunities to get her a role. I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I went against everything I believe in, my better judgment and I took a risk.... it was my biggest regret of 2021. My gut and my stance however strict never fails me. I felt that my emotional need to cover my friend blindsided me. I also allowed myself to be manipulated and rather than asking myself 'why had she beeen unemployed for 12 months in a boyant market pre pandemic'.

Sometimes things happen to remind you why you have taken a stance on a subject or topic, sometimes we are reminded that you have to make difficult decisions which may make you feel bad but there comes a point where you have to give yourself permission to put your mental well being and yourself first.

I recognise in myself the flaws in my character, especially when I feel responsible to save people especially friends. It is a burden brought about from my trauma with my mother, where I needed her to save me, to be there for me to cover me and she did not. She did not afford me the covering needed from her. I also now realise she did not have the capacity or the tools to cover me in the way I needed. I then carried the unresolved issues and burdened myself with wanting to save others. I have discussed this extensively with my therapist and sat in the feelings of feeling betrayed, disappointed and let down. I know where my responsibility sits, I also recognise that this big L is my learning lesson to carry as a reminder that friendship does not extend to trying to save someone, that is not my role. My role as a friend is to be supportive and encourage my friends to save themselves. Being a good friend is not measured by your ability to find a solution sometimes it is ok to support your friend to find the solution for themselves.

I have forgiven myself for the silly decision I made for going against my principals and I am also celebrating the liberation from the burden. I have learned the lessons and hope you can learn from me and do better.

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Music (Intro and Outro) Written and created by Nomadic Star

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