Needy, Reactive and Controlling- Reparenting Yourself Into a Sexually Charged Connection

Author: Michael Elliott and Courtney Wren
Published: Mon 17 Feb 2025
Episode Link: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/sacredrelating/episodes/Needy--Reactive-and-Controlling--Reparenting-Yourself-Into-a-Sexually-Charged-Connection-e2uv9ct

This episode explores how to move from needy, reactive, and controlling behaviors in relationships to sexually charged connection. It covers three key points: understanding young parts and how they can destroy relationships, recognizing when young parts are present, and learning how to get to know your wise adult self to cultivate sexually charged connection.

Key Topics:

Young Parts and Relationship Destruction

Young, unmet parts from childhood can lead to needy, reactive, and controlling behaviors in relationships.
These behaviors deplete sexual charge and intimacy, often leading to relationship breakdown.
In past relationships, the speakers experienced this pattern of their young parts taking over, leading to demands, criticism, and emotional distance from their partners.

Recognizing Young Parts

Emotionally charged expectations and demands on your partner are signs that young parts are driving the relationship.
Young parts are based on unmet needs and wounds from childhood that get triggered in the present.
The speakers share their personal journeys of learning to recognize and work with their young parts.

Cultivating the Wise Adult

The key is to develop the capacity of the wise, mature adult self to hold and tend to the young parts.
Practices like somatic work, journaling, ceremony, and men's/women's circles can help develop this wise adult presence.
When the wise adult is online, it allows for more sexually charged, alive connection with a partner, as they can take responsibility for their own needs.
The speakers share how this journey has transformed their relationship, allowing for deeper intimacy and aliveness.

(00:00) Welcome & Episode Overview
(01:13) Needs, Young Parts & Wise Adult in Relationships
(02:13) Longing for Connection in Early Marriage
(02:52) Sexual Charge & Working With Inner Child Parts
(03:43) Relating to Your Partner vs. Relating to the Child
(04:33) When Needy, Reactive, and Controlling Patterns Emerge
(05:26) Emotional Distance & Grieving Intimacy Loss
(06:11) The Trap of Expecting a Partner to Fix Your Needs
(08:05) Emotional Abuse, Blame & Gaslighting Dynamics
(08:59) When Young Parts Drive the Bus
(10:01) How Control Patterns Kill Sexual Polarity
(12:11) Coping with Emotional Overload Through Numbing
(13:04) Enabling vs. Empowering: Why Fixing Doesn’t Work
(13:44) What Are Inner Child Parts?
(16:07) Implicit Memory & Reacting from the Past
(17:42) Separate Lives vs. Sexual Closeness
(19:20) Discovering the Inner Child Through Mentorship
(21:44) Bringing Vulnerability to Your Partner
(23:10) Boundaries vs. Codependence in Conflict
(27:38) Recognizing Emotionally Charged Expectations
(28:25) Adult Communication vs. Child Part Reactivity
(29:57) Learning to Parent Yourself First
(32:20) Turning Towards Inner Parts for Real Intimacy
(39:47) The Power of Men’s Circles & Inner Work
(42:58) Wise Adult vs. Inner Child: What It Feels Like
(48:14) Why Owning Your Parts is Sexy
(53:06) Sexual Charge Through Personal Maturity
(53:51) Couples Healing Success Story
(55:59) Temple Nights & Sexual Polarity Practices
(58:09) Real-Life Chemistry as Parents
(58:45) Gratitude & The Notebook Realization
(1:00:31) Join the Together Community
(1:01:22) Closing Invitation to Connect