episode 29-Kick the Judge to the Curb

Lee Ellen and I discuss the destructive nature of letting the judge be in control of life. How it is an enticing, well-worn habit. The judge that came as a guest and stayed as a permanent saboteur. Letting that go takes conscious effort, it doesn’t disappear by magic. The rewards are amazing!

Vickidawn: I'll start by saying welcome to episode 29 of tiny changes-Big Shift podcast, Kick the Judge to the Curb. I'm excited to have you here, Lee Ellen.

Lee Ellen: Well, thank you. It's nice for you to have me.

Vickidawn: Do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself?

Lee Ellen: In what capacity? Let's see.

Vickidawn: Well, you make jewelry.

Lee Ellen: Oh, yes. Yes, I do. I make jewelry and I am a retired mortgage officer and an office manager and a loan closer. I haven't worked for over 11 years, and I have been a sober person for over 14 years.

Vickidawn: Yes. Just recently you had a birthday. That's so exciting.

Our topic is judgment of yourself, of others, of circumstances, or in the language of our program - people, places, and things. Our judge formed in childhood, as we know, and that's where we absorbed others' opinions and maybe their worldview and incorporated them into our own. Some of them worked and many of them limit us.

The biggest way the judge, I name mine the janky judge with an ensemble of characters that I call the hater-aid crew, is - It tells me I can't, I'm not smart enough, I don't have enough experience, and this stops me from expressing my gifts because it stops me from taking on new things - unless I really drag myself by the ear and say, "Come on, you're doing it." Right?

Lee Ellen: Right.

Vickidawn: There is the obvious, of course, the judge that's hard on us. How does your judge show up Lee Ellen?

Lee Ellen: Well, my judge shows up-- It's always been there. It's been there since I was young. I have always felt judged by family. I think it showed up as I wasn't ever good enough. I had an older sister who was extremely smart. She was always thin. She was always outgoing, and she was always popular, and I just couldn't compete with that. It was started then, and then pretty soon I quit trying.

I myself felt like it didn't matter, I would never be good enough. Not only was I being judged or felt like I was being judged, I judged myself and then I started judging other people. My judge showed up all the time. I lived with the judge. I was the judge. I was judged. Part of my life, it was pretty sad. I just thought that's the way life was.

Vickidawn: Yes. I think all of us were so acquainted because at some point the judge convinced us that it's our friend, that it's there to protect us to-- well, in my case, if I do it just perfect, then I am not subject to any judgment because you can't judge perfect, but perfect is such a high bar and I never could reach it and nobody can. I know you're in the program also, and you've worked the program and been diligent about that and done what you needed to do there and still, the judge is present. Were you aware even well into your recovery that you had that judge living there?

Lee Ellen: No, I didn't until later in the program after working my steps. In fact, I didn't even know what boundaries were. I had no boundaries, and I grew up in a family with 10 kids and there couldn't be boundaries. Nobody knew what a boundary was. But also, I didn't know how to think nicely of other people. I judged them quietly in my mind and I never thought anything was wrong with that. It was a terrible thing when I found out that, boy, I thought in my mind all the time about somebody when I would see them on the street, when they would walk in my office, when they left my office. I thought that's what they were doing with me is judging me in that way.

When I got into the program and found that, no, that's not how people are that they're loving and kind. Somebody said to me once, "Why do you always say such horrible things about people?" I thought, "Well, doesn't everybody?" I actually said to this person, "Well, they don't hear me say it. I don't say it in front of them. They don't hear me say it." She said, "Yes, but you know what? I think when I leave the room, you're probably saying that about me too."

Lee Ellen: I never ever thought-- I just thought, "Well. I knew that was happening behind my back.” That's what I thought because that's what was happening in my home when I grew up. I really made a conscious effort from that point on to not think those thoughts and then I wouldn't say them, or to not say them then I wouldn't think them. It worked. It really worked, but it took the program and working the steps and taking the catalyst class of yours to weed out those things in my life, those character defects, and being able to name my judge and to say, "Oh, I don't need that. That isn't the part of my life I want. What a shortcoming to have."

Vickidawn: You're not alone. That's the other thing. We all have a judge.

Lee Ellen: Yes. I didn't think other people did. When I learned how horrible it was that I was being. I thought, "I don't want anybody else to ever know this." Here I am talking about it.

Vickidawn: Times change.

Lee Ellen: Yes.

Vickidawn: What about circumstances? Do you find that you judge circumstances in your life?

Lee Ellen: Well, I did. I always blamed things that have happened in my life as, "Well, that's the reason why I am the way I am." But I think I changed things in my mind to make it okay for me to act the way I act. Well, the way I grew up was the circumstances that made it okay for me to be judgmental.

Vickidawn: Oh, sure.

Lee Ellen: I don't do that. I don't believe that anymore. Sure, there's a lot of circumstances that happen in your life, but you have a choice as to what to make of them. I lived with those circumstances and what I believed them to be again until I took a class that said, "Let's look at it, let's look at what really happened." [chuckles] It was a little different than what I made it out to be when I looked back and thought, "That isn't the truth."

Vickidawn: That's another key point, the judge lies to us.

Lee Ellen: It does. It does.

Vickidawn: Yes.

Lee Ellen: I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe, and it wasn't the truth.

Vickidawn: It fits our perception maybe of how we interpreted events, because we are just always meaning-making machines, and as humans, we try to make sense of our experiences and what happened. Of course, when we're young and we're forming these judgements, we don't have the sophistication or maturity. We do form some pretty ridiculous, in my case, judgments about myself and my place in this world and what to expect.

Lee Ellen: Right. I'm not sure that I still have the sophistication to figure it out, and that's why I don't want to stop learning. I don't want to stop learning on how to discern what's going on with my emotions and with that judge and how to change those reactions and those thoughts and those shortcomings. I don't want to go back to thinking that way.

Vickidawn: Right. You used the word discernment earlier, and I think that's a good place to clarify. Yes, we don't want to put our hand on a hot stove, so our judge telling us, "That is a flipping hot stove. Don't touch it," is a good thing. There are also times where the judge really can come in handy in protecting us or putting up that wall if somebody is being harmful to us. It's not saying we can't discern what is good for us and what's not. It's that, the judge, when it steps in to say, "You're stupid, they're stupid," the one that says, "I can't. Oh, you better not try that because what if you fail." That judge is the one we're talking about here that we want to let go of.

Lee Ellen: Yes. I still let that judge tell me, "Oh, you don't want to sell that jewelry you make. It's just not good enough for people. People are going to scoff at it," or, "They're not going to buy it. Don't try."

Vickidawn: Yes. Vulnerability.

Lee Ellen: I still face that all the time and it takes a lot of changing-

Vickidawn: Courage.

Lee Ellen: -to change that, to get the courage to just go out there and do it.

Vickidawn: Yes, and support, right?

Lee Ellen: Oh, definitely. Definitely, yes. The support that I get from the people I know in the program is amazing. Sometimes they push and they push and they push and I like to try to ignore it, but it's there and I have to admit, "Geez, why don't I try it? Why don't I?" What have I got to lose? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Vickidawn: That's another good point.

Lee Ellen: I'm 66-years-old, so what else am I going to do?

Vickidawn: Yes. What can happen?

Lee Ellen: Right. [laughs]

Vickidawn: If they don't buy it, okay, they didn't buy it. They're not buying it now when you don't put it out there, right?

Lee Ellen: Right, and I get to wear it tomorrow then.

Vickidawn: Yes. We know that part of growing is to push ourselves outside our comfort zones and that's what you're talking about there.

Lee Ellen: Yes.

Vickidawn: This is also where the judge can get really mouthy and really give us a come-to-Jesus moment. The difference between pushing ourselves with the judge and letting our inner voice guide us through love and compassion is where we can shift, because the judge says, "You can't get it done without me. You need me to browbeat you. You need me to take you to task," and that yes, is true, we can get something done and do, but it doesn't feel as good, right?

Lee Ellen: No.

Vickidawn: If we do it with letting our inner voice say, "You can do this, look at how you've grown. If you get scared you can just stop and say a prayer, or you can stop now and try again tomorrow." What a difference between browbeating and being loving to yourself.

Lee Ellen: Yes. I don't know where that changed in my life because I used to be the one who did everything and I had all the confidence of that I was the best at what I knew, just at the things that I knew. I could stand up in front of 1,000 people and tell them what they needed to do to purchase a house, to close on a house, anything.

I couldn't teach somebody else to do it because only I could do it well. I couldn't work with somebody else because they couldn't do it as well as I could. I had all the self-confidence in the world and I was very snarky about it, [chuckles] but then when I couldn't work anymore, I lost all confidence in myself - in anything that I could do.

It's taken a lot, a lot of years to build any self-confidence back up and to regain any thought of, "You are good enough to do things."

Vickidawn: We let that judge be in control for so long and tell us that our worth is dependent on our performance, or our worth is dependent on our job. I did that same thing, and then when it was gone, it was almost devastating. To pick up the pieces and even start to become aware that the judge had told me that for so long, it's pretty incredible.

Lee Ellen: It is. On one hand, I don't ever want to go back to be that person.

Vickidawn: No.

Lee Ellen: Never, [laughs] and it's like, "What was that all about? Ugh." A lot of amends had to be made there, but I had a lot I could be proud of. I helped a lot, a lot of people, but I'd rather be who I am today.

Vickidawn: Yes, and adding that confidence back in.

Lee Ellen: Yes.

Vickidawn: As a place with love and compassion and true connection to what you really want to do and being okay to say no sometimes.

Lee Ellen: Yes, and I'd love to be able to bake a person a cake and bring it to their home rather than having to spend three months trying to get them that home. It's like, "Let me do that for you. Yes."

Lee Ellen: Life does change. If you can just keep it simple, that judge stays out of my life if I keep it simple. It helps.

Vickidawn: How do you know when the judge has taken over? When it's been triggered, how do you know?

Lee Ellen: My guts just clench, and my judge shows up, I get angry. I'm a reactor and I don't like that. That's the first thing I have to do is tell myself, "Don't react. Don't react. Don't react."

Vickidawn: Pause. Pause.

Lee Ellen: Yes. Pause, really. It hurts when that judge shows up and I'm either angry or sad, I'm hurt. it all comes down to fear, I think. It comes all back at me in fear that "Oh, here I go. I'm going to revert all the way back to childhood and I don't want that." I'm going to hurt back; I'm going to hurt somebody back. I'm so happy to have learned I don't have to do that. I don't have to be that person.

Vickidawn: Yes. You raised an important point. Well, three important points there. One is that you can let go and what you're letting go is the resentment, and you're right to retaliate, which we say, "Turn it over." Sometimes I used to think, "What the heck am I turning over?" That's exactly what I was turning over. Then forgiveness, and of course, we talk a lot about praying for that person that steps on our toes and recognizing that they're a sick human being just like we are. That can be hard to do when we have our order of wrongs in our society. If somebody murders you, that's worse than character assassination by gossip, right?

Lee Ellen: Yes.

Vickidawn: We can say, "Well, I'm not that bad."

Lee Ellen: Yes, that was much worse.

Vickidawn: Yes, exactly.

Lee Ellen: But don't put me down.

Vickidawn: Oh, yes. How does that judge impact your relationships?

Lee Ellen: I didn't trust anybody. I just didn't trust anybody. I had a wall built in front of me so high that I was so isolated and lonely and depressed. I couldn't let anybody in. That got me nowhere very fast. It took a lot of outside help, and it took a really good sponsor and trusting that one person enough where I could say, "I need your help. Please, listen to me and help me through it." When I could build up the trust of that one person and really look at the progress, "Yes, I do need it in order to survive my life," then things started falling into place.

Vickidawn: Well, you wanted real connection and you started to find out what that was. Me too when I first was in recovery. It's the hardest thing for all of us to ask for help and then to listen. Sometimes, when that judge is telling us, "We already know. We already know your motive. I already know what you're going to say. I already know how you feel about me." That Judge is there saying, "I'm so smart, I got all this covered, and prove it." Yes, you're right. Those walls get higher and higher, and it is a lonely place to be so the judge can be very destructive.

Lee Ellen: Right. I loved to tell people, "You can't tell me what to do." Which, boy oh boy, did I need people to tell me what to do.

Vickidawn: To become young again, and open-minded, and--

Lee Ellen: Willing to change. It's that change word. When I was willing to change, then I was happy to change. I was so happy. I found and saw women in this program that I wanted to be like. Just the humbleness and the smiling, happy, honest, true women. I thought, "Yes, I want that. I truly want that."

Vickidawn: And not perfect.

Lee Ellen: And not perfect. And people liked them.

Vickidawn: What tools do you use now to shift out of that judging and into a better voice of wisdom or loving compassionate response?

Lee Ellen: The main tool that I use is helping others. I find that's the best way that I can shift out of judgment. When I couldn't work anymore, I just felt useless, absolutely useless. I didn't think there was anything good about my life anymore. I decided then and there that my higher power must want something of me. I decided it had to be that I'm supposed to be helping others doing what I could do physically and mentally. That helped, but also the only other thing I can do is the readings, daily readings, and lots of meetings.

If I'm in a mood when I wake up, I can stay in that mood all day and not want to change it. When I get into a meeting in the morning, it changes my whole day. It changes my whole demeanor. I remember, "Oh, yes, this isn't the way my higher power wants my day to go." People need me to be a different person, too.

Vickidawn: That's an important point that you remember. You remember who you really are. Sometimes we think we have, and the judge will tell us that, "Well, you're not good enough the way you are."

Lee Ellen: Go back to bed and pull the covers over your head.

Vickidawn: Yes. Just by being open and being around other people is a reminder that you really do have something to give and you really do have a place and a purpose.

Lee Ellen: Absolutely. I need to hear that a lot of time. If I don't share what's wrong, then I'm not going to hear that. If there's been a lot wrong for everybody over the last few years with COVID and the isolation and people need to share. We need to help each other.

Vickidawn: Yes. It's an unprecedented time. We sure know that.

Lee Ellen: Because if I'm alone and sitting here, I can judge you without ever hearing you say a word.

Vickidawn: "I know all about you and what your shortcomings are, what your strengths are, how you should be showing up." There's no connection in that. There's just some self-righteousness. That's an ugly word. I don't like that word, but it's true for me a lot. Do you have any final thoughts, Lee-Ellen?

Lee Ellen: Am so thankful. That's another, thankful or gratitude, because it really takes away that judge. Just being grateful for what I have stops me from judging what I think other people are thinking. "Hey, I have my life and am proud of what I have done with it and where I'm at and the love that I have for my kids and my grandkids and my friends." I learned to love deeply. I think the love and gratitude of the people in this program are deeper than anything I've ever known. For that, I'll be forever grateful. We can kick that judge right to the curb.

Vickidawn: Yes, park him on the sidewalk.

Lee Ellen: You bet, and run him over.

Vickidawn: I was going to say let somebody else pick him up, but I like your solution.

Lee Ellen: Run him over with every bike that drives that sidewalk.

Vickidawn: Well, thank you for being here today.

Lee Ellen: Thank you.

Vickidawn: Is there a place that you sell your jewelry, or can somebody reach out to you somehow?

Lee Ellen: Oh, you can reach out to me any-- you can give me a call at my phone number 218-380-0110. Then my hairdresser, Theresa, has a few of my things for sale. She's been kind enough to really push women who have crafts by selling them in her salon.

Vickidawn: In addition to that, she does beautiful colorwork, giving her a plug.

Lee Ellen: Yes, she does.

Vickidawn: -and haircuts.

Lee Ellen: Haircuts. She's done my hair for 20 years. Yes. Wonderful person. I like to keep it fun and simple.

Vickidawn: And creative. They can also find you on Facebook, Lee Ellen Olson, right? O-L-S-O-N.

Lee Ellen: Yes.

Vickidawn: Maybe you'll be putting some pictures of your jewelry out there.

Lee Ellen: Oh, I guess somebody is trying to push it. Yes.

Lee Ellen: Just that little push we talked about.

Vickidawn: It's just possible, it's not a guarantee. All right. Thank you, Lee Ellen. I'm really grateful that you were here.

Lee Ellen: I'm very thankful that you asked me to be.

Vickidawn: To my audience, thank you for listening. I love emails from you. Send them to [email protected]. Tell me what you'd like to hear or discuss. Until next time, remember, you create your beautiful life, one moment, one step at a time.