episode 27 Stop: Listen at Your Dependency Risk!

Summary: What leads to self-doubt, fear and hesitation in relationships? Over-depending on others and not having a clear sense of self or the confidence to take care of you. Especially when taking care of you conflicts with what someone else wants. In this episode I share some of my own journey – mistakes and wins. If you relate to fear of not being good enough, fear you can’t make up for your past, or fear of missing out – we call that self-centered fear in the program – this show is for you. This fear can produce anxiety and grip tight, but you can learn to let it go.

I'm excited you're here and thank you for listening. Welcome to Episode 27 – Stop - Listen at Your Dependency Risk. That is a bold statement to make, "my dependency risk."

You may feel one of two things. One, "I'm not dependent. What are you talking about?" Or two, "Yes, I know I am hopelessly dependent." In response to the first, "I'm not dependent," yes, you are. We all are. We depend on air to breathe, food to power our bodies, and people in our life to partner with for various reasons. You're dependent on your grocer to process your meat, (who wants to do that, right?) truckers to transport your supplies and merchants to sell you goods and services. I took all that for granted, but it's true.

If you had the second response, "Yes, I'm hopelessly dependent. I don't have a backbone to speak of. I accommodate others over myself and couldn't ask for a need to be met if I could even identify it. I'm so used to being invisible, I can barely see myself."

What does this have to do with living the life you dream of? Most of us live between these two extremes. We resist healthy dependencies or deny them, or we over-rely on others to do for us what we can do for ourselves. I am here to tell you; I've spent a fair amount of time visiting both extremes. Here's the experience I had.

I got clean and sober and right behind that came my unrealistic dependency on others to meet my needs and provide my happiness. Both my parents were alcoholics, and my mom also had a gambling problem, so faulty forms of dependency were definitely modeled for me. In new recovery-- and remember I was 21, I turned 22 2 months after I got clean and sober. In new recovery, I made a lot of mistakes and many of the same ones we all make.

I made decisions I wasn't ready for out of fear. Fear of missing out, fear of not making up for my past, fear of not being good enough after all. How that showed up for me is I depended on others that didn't have the resources to be there for me. Then, I got stuck in the loop of forcing myself to accept unacceptable behavior, to make excuses for myself and others, for not making waves, not speaking up, not making clear choices to take care of myself.

I became smaller and smaller, angrier and angrier, and I stuffed it - along with depressed, sad, and lonely. I looked for validation outside myself, and even when that was present, I discounted it and explained it away out of self-doubt. I never had a strong sense of self, and I lost touch with what I had learned in new recovery. I married my second husband who I met while he was in a halfway house and who was smoking pot when I was a year and a half clean. I maintained my sobriety and being clean throughout that marriage, which lasted eight years.

I already had a daughter, and I had three more children during that eight-year time span, and my fifth and last child was born two months after I ended the relationship. So I know about dependency and being miserable when clean and not being able to accept the simple fact that who I'm married didn't have the personal resources to be present because he was ill. And that it was okay for me to take care of myself.

Why would I get married and stay for eight years? One, I lacked the clear sense of self. Even after working the Steps, having a sponsor, and going to three to five meetings a week, which I continued throughout that relationship.

I had experiences in my past that I had not truly forgiven. I had learned to live clean, but I had no idea and did not understand the way those experiences shaped my personality and how I still operated from feelings of unworthiness and not being lovable.

It required professional help to resolve my feelings around these issues. The program isn't designed to heal this type of injury, so please, if you can relate so far and haven't, get the help you need. Our addictions are bigger than us and so are some of these other issues.

Three, I didn't know what I wanted. How could I? I didn't know who I was or what I was capable of, so I operated as if I knew based on what I thought others would think was the way to be. I continually looked outside myself for cues on how to feel and act. The more I focused on others, outside myself, the crazier I felt. What changed?

I reached another bottom, one that allowed me to leave that relationship and start again. One where I was able to set aside that deep guilt and fear I experienced whenever I took care of me over what someone else wanted. One where I was able to deepen my understanding of myself and focus on what was important to me, my recovery, my family, and building a life that was independent and fulfilling, a life that would be better for my kids. I so wanted a life that would be better for my kids. Did I succeed? Well, the jury is still out, but I know I've made progress, and it took a long time.

I've made lots of mistakes, and it's a journey. The promises do come true - sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly - and in my case - slowly. My favorite saying, I've said before is: Before it's time, you can't force it; when it's time, you can't stop it. No matter how much I wished it different, my progress was slow. I had many periods where I felt like I was in the hallway waiting for a door to open and now I can see that those periods of time were preparation, learning, time for reflection, for deepening that understanding of my spiritual life and myself and how the two relate. So what changed? The biggest barrier to my growth was that I knew it all.

Just like before I surrendered and got clean - when I knew it all. That story I just told you was based all on hindsight. At that time, I knew it all. I wasn't teachable, and I was not responsible. All the misery in my life was someone else's fault, and I could pretend to be okay. I was a victim after all, "If he would just change, if he would just get better, if they would just give me these opportunities." Sound familiar? True powerlessness over myself.

Socrates said, "You don't know what you don't know." I've learned that to grow and have different experiences, I have to be open, open to what I don't know I don't know. Sound confusing?

There is knowledge that I know I know. For example, I know how to reconcile a checkbook. Then there is knowledge I know I don't know. For example, I don't know how to build an airplane. As a human being, I look for answers in those two places, what I know and what I know I don't know - but could learn. My true growth comes from another place, what Socrates referenced, "I don't know what I don't know."

This is where when I learn it, it feels like I already knew it and forgot. It makes perfect sense when I see it. It is mystery and is often what I call divine intelligence as grace. My perception is altered, something is lost - a belief that wasn't true or based on part truth, but I gain clarity and I feel enriched. It's where I want to play now.

You may be thinking that's a great philosophy, Vicki. How do I apply it? One, develop that very clear sense of self. When you're confused, start with what you know you don't want, because we can sure identify, I always could, what I don't want. The opposite of that is a good place to look for what I do want.

Get to know yourself at your core. Practice self-love, you are lovable, you are worthy, you are wise and generous. If you don't believe it, practice it. Look in the mirror, practice it, practice it till you believe it. Trust yourself to be on your own side and prove it by taking action. If you can't be there for you, you can't expect anybody else to be there for you.

Ask for help and become teachable. Find your tribe, people who want what you do and will hold you accountable to what you say you want.

Then claim it, let it happen the way it is going to happen, not necessarily the way you would have it happen. There's a difference.

I've learned skills along the way - to be assertive, to be kind, to be curious, and ask questions rather than jump to conclusions. To realize I don't know. A lot of times, I don't even know what I don't know, to quote Socrates once again. I think I know how someone feels, and I think I know someone else's motives, and I just don't, so now I ask. But most important, it's to take ownership, "My life is a result of my decisions and actions, not anybody else's."

I have a newsletter I would love for you to have access to, find it at https;//linktr.ee/vickidawn.

What can you take away from today's discussion that you can implement for yourself? What is one small step that you can take to be sure that you have healthy boundaries? Not walls erected to keep everyone out, but more like fences you can see over, others can see you, and there are gates where you can let others in.

Remember it's the small steps added together that creates a big shift. Thank you for being here today. If you enjoyed the show, please like, and leave a review. I love emails from my audience. Send them to [email protected]. Goodbye, and remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time.