episode 22 Maintaining Self-Worth in Your Relationship

Summary: This show provides tips to keep your self-worth in your relationship. It is about focusing and celebrating what works, and finding ways to work through those times that are difficult. Our own Self-worth determines so much, so continually taking time for self-care and loving ourselves is the foundation for the rest to follow.

Hello, and welcome to Tiny Changes Big Shifts Episode 22. Maintaining Self-Worth in your Relationships. The first question that comes to mind is why do I lose confidence in my relationships in the first place? Every relationship is different, of course, but our own level of self-esteem provides the base for us to operate in relationships from. If I have low self-esteem, I may seek my partner's approval too often and become overly dependent on them. I may neglect my social life and lose sight of who I am. Low self-esteem gives rise to jealousy and insecurity.

When our partners have low self-esteem too, then the issue is doubled. To determine if you are losing yourself in your relationship, ask yourself some of these questions:

Do you feel guilty when you do the things that you love? Are you giving those things up because it makes your partner uncomfortable or vice versa? Do you expect your partner to give up something because you are uncomfortable?

Do you seek your partner's approval before making simple decisions that you could and should make autonomously? Do you give up social friends and family time? This can lead to further isolation and feeling dependent.

Do you secretly miss the freedom of a single life, and have you given up your own goals and dreams?

What is healthy self-worth? That's feeling good about yourself. You see yourself as deserving, respect from others. You are on your own team and give yourself dignity and understanding. Healthy self-esteem is learning to like and respect yourself, faults and all. Alternatively, with low self-esteem, you place little value on your opinions and ideas.

You may often say, “Well, I don't care”. If somebody says, "Where do you want to go eat?" "I don't care. You decide." "Where do you want to go on vacation?" "I don't care." If you say I don't care a lot, check in with yourself, learn to identify what you do want, and express it now and then even if it doesn't matter in the moment so much, don't give yourself away all the time. You may worry that you're not good enough. With healthy self-esteem, you're assertive and you express your needs. You're confident in your abilities, you form secure and honest relationships, you're realistic in your expectations, you're resilient and you're better able to cope with stress.

Without it, you can experience depression, risky behavior, tolerate abusive treatment, and have a nagging sense of failure. What factors do shape our self-esteem? As we grow our beliefs about ourselves are formed from interactions with those close to us, parents, peers, teachers. While positive feedback contributes to healthier esteem, and criticism, teasing, or feeling devalued by others can lead to poor self-esteem. It's important to note that other factors contribute too. A large part is based on our own interpretations of those interactions, the stories we tell ourselves.

Someone with a filter to perceive negativity over positivity will end up interpreting, it is because they aren't worthy. While someone with a filter to perceive positively will still be impacted, but won't doubt their worth as much. It's also important to note here that trauma that's not addressed or is left unhealed can lead to chronic failings of not good enough. So please get help for that. How critical is self-worth and what does it do for you? Low self-esteem is often the cause, not the effect, the cause of financial, relational, and physical hardships.

Our self-esteem is our filter for all our interactions with others. It leads to decisions that impact our success, our relationships, our happiness. With it, you are open to learning and feedback and you feel secure. With it, we can feel confident, we are worth success and happiness. Without it, even when we experience success, we don't feel worthy and are afraid it will be taken away. That becomes a self-fulling prophecy, and it erodes our happiness.

Here are tips to maintain your self-esteem while in your relationships.

Express appreciation for big and more important, the small thing your partners does. Give compliments. Lots of them. Tell them how amazing, smart, sexy, funny, and talented they are. Be a little self-centered. Recognize that you are awesome and deserve the things your partner does for you. He's not doing you a favor. He's doing it because he loves you. Learn something together. You'll have a shared experience. Support each other, be your partner's cheerleader. Help each other conquer a fear. Be affectionate, express your feelings, and never miss an opportunity to have your partner feel loved and supported. And call each other out. Tackle the negative thoughts your partner may experience from time to time, ask him to help you tackle yours.

We all have times when we don't believe in ourselves, when our self-esteem is impacted, we've had a setback at work, we've failed at something, and those ugly thoughts surface. Put them on the table, talk them out, get support. Challenge your beliefs, pause, and reflect.

Here are 3 of 10 thoughts and beliefs people with high self-esteem have, written by Michael Stanwyck. One, it's not about what happens. It's about how I respond to what happens. They remember that they are only responsible for their own feelings, thoughts, and actions. They don't stay stuck in victim or spend too much time on what's “wrong” - right now, they know that their judgments are not necessarily correct.

Two, I do what love and I love what I do. They put their needs first. They know they can only love and help others to the extent that they love and help themselves. They look for win-win situations.

Three, they know - I see myself in others. Self-worth requires a belief that the world is like a mirror. If someone is judging you, it's because you are reflecting a part of them that they have not yet accepted.

Self-worthy people are thankful for the challenging people in their lives because they see them as opportunities to learn more about themselves.

As we know, my show is based on small changes that lead to big shifts. To maintain your self-worth in your relationships, think worthy thoughts and take worthy actions.

Here are a few. For those of us in recovery, a big one is to ask for help, be open, talk about it, let people in, be aware of, and cut back on how many times you say, I'm sorry. Save it for when you truly need to apologize. Learn healthier ways to communicate and use them when there's conflict.

The biggest one, in my opinion - cultivate a sense of autonomy. Be okay with yourself and independent in your thinking, express yourself, but also let others fully express themselves. Listen, especially when there is conflict. Remember that you bring you in relationship, and they bring them. Don't wait and expect someone else to make you happy.

You may think, "Yes, I know that" - but where does that knowledge go when your partner or kids track mud into the house, don't load the dishwasher when asked or say an unkind thing to you.

Then you may believe your anger is justified even though it's based on an expectation that someone would behave in a way you want, and "that would make you happy".

Check out my website vickidawn.com, for my programs and coaching packages. Thank you so much for listening in today. If you enjoyed the show, please like and leave a review. I love emails from my audience. Keep sending them to [email protected], tell me what matters to you. I want to provide content that makes a difference to you.

For now, goodbye and until next time, remember, you create your beautiful life, one moment, one step at a time.