episode 18-Are You Tired of the Same Patterns in Your Relationships Part 2

Summary: In Part 2 Dana Thomas, transformational trainer, coach, and strategist, and I continue our discussion on patterns in relationships, what contributes to them, what sustains them, and tips to interrupt them and let them go. Patience and willingness to work towards a solution, rather than to change someone, are key to shifting some of the most stubborn patterns. Dana inspires people to be in service to their highest visions and their best life.

Vickidawn: Hey, Dana. Thanks so much for joining me.

Dana: Thank you.

Vickidawn: I'm so glad to see you.

Dana: I’m so happy to see you.

Vickidawn: As we know, in this Episode - Are you tired of the same old patterns in your relationship?

Dana: I've done this before. My husband's forgotten or something, just one thing, whatever it is. Around my house, there's a joke. He likes to leave all the lights on, and I go around closing them. Maybe that one day it was, Oh, you always leave the lights on, and you chew loud, and you do this. One little thing is like an avalanche of everything you've been holding in so we stop the avalanche, is what I would say. One of the pro tips was we stop the avalanche. It was like, "You left the light on, again." [chuckles]

Vickidawn: Period. You don't add the kitchen sink, yes. [laughs]

Dana: That's hard. It's hard to not say something because a lot of-- I'm a coach. I'm a trainer. I support people in finding their voice and speaking into, I support people becoming critically thinking and speaking leaders and when it comes to relationships to go, you have to stop the sentence right there because this is my spouse, I'm not his mother, he's not my father, and just stop this like, "You left the light on again". Is it important to you?

The thing is, I can't make what's important to me important to him, but I can say, "This is really important to me that we turn the light off. Every time I see it, it makes me think other stuff like, "You don't listen to me, and you don't care about me." I know how ridiculous that sounds, but it's true as simple as leaving the light on. When you say it that way, it's very different than saying this, you always leave the light on. You're such a blah, blah, blah, blah.

Vickidawn: Yes, insensitive blob.

Dana: Right.

Vickidawn: I think it's important that you commented too that it is often those little things, and it's those little things that will pile up and then fly with you always and add the kitchen sink. If we go deeper into these, we're circling around talking about being frustrated, being angry, being impatient. What kind of physical costs do I pay when I don't check myself when I just give in and stay stuck and think, "Well, I'm right. I'm going to dig in my heels and I'm going to stay angry."

We talk about cortisol and adrenaline and how they impact our health. It seems like it would be a direct connection to think, "Oh, I'm having an unreasonable reaction. What is this doing to me? Is it what I want to happen to me?" but no, we don't, do we?

Dana: No. I think I remove the judgment of myself. If I'm having an unreasonable reaction, that's a judgment.

Vickidawn: You're right.

Dana: I'm just having a reaction.

Vickidawn: I like it.

Dana: I'm having a reaction. I know when I'm really angry. You talked about cortisol, but also there's oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin. All of those things come from physical touch, being told how loved you are, and scent especially, so scent, being touched. Like oxytocin, a hug will increase your oxytocin. If I'm really mad, my husband's really good at this, he'll come over and he'll put his hand on my shoulder and I'll move. Like, "Don't you try and touch me now. I'm pissed off." Meanwhile, it's because that internal thing, I'm angry. See, that's the thing, I'm angry, he's not, and then that might even make me angry that he's not hungry.

I noticed I just said hungry and not angry. The funny part is anybody listening or watching would know that I was having a snack right before we started this. I'm not hungry, but that's like see when you can dispense something with laughter. Tying that to that is like, when you laugh, when you can look at yourself and go, "Okay, he's not making me angry. I'm angry," own it.

If you're going to be angry, be angry. I've said, listen, I can't even stand the fact that I'm breathing too loud right now. It has nothing to do with you. I'm going to experience this and like, "I love you. Go do something fun."

It's okay, be angry. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be sad, and it's okay to do all of that. It's when it's not effective. In our house, it's, "How long do you need?" If the answer is like, I don't know. I don't know how long I need to be angry. I'm mad. You want me to put a time limit? Now you're going to make me angrier, but probably-- oh, no. You know what, give yourself space to breathe."

Vickidawn: It sounds like what you're really describing or what I'm hearing is let each other be who you really are. You said it earlier. Sometimes that's being your best self and sometimes it's being your messier self, and what valuable relationships those are when you can be both. It works and somehow the days string together and they keep stringing together. Maybe part of it is trying to fine-tune this relationship so it just never has any ripples. That's just not realistic.

Dana: It's not fun.

Vickidawn: No.

Dana: It's really not. I was just thinking. When you were speaking, I was like a lot of people that I've coached for relationships, what they want-- you know those perfect jeans you have, you've had them for years, and you put them on, they always fit perfect and are comfortable, most people expect to have that pair of jeans in 12 minutes. Even those of us who have a long-term relationship, we want to be able to put like, "Okay, we're pretty comfortable in our relationship but maybe we want our butt to look better," kind of thing. It's like, "But these are still your favorite pair of jeans."

What's important is to allow the growth and allow yourself the freedom to grow, and not to be stuck in a time and space of like-- who I was in my 20s is completely different as the woman I was in my 30s, who is completely different than the woman I am in my 40s. I've evolved that woman. My husband, we met when I was in my 30s, he was in his 40s. If he expected me to be her, oh my goodness.

There are some things that'll stay the same, maybe the tone of my voice, but there are so much that changes, so getting comfortable with change. Things are going to change. Things are going to be difficult. Things are going to be a challenge. Things are going to be extraordinary.

I cling to my relationship is like my perfect average day. Not the extraordinary vacations because then I would probably-- or the extraordinary stuff, do you know what I mean? Like if you have a big purchase or a big vacation, maybe you get each other extravagant gifts, if I clung to that, me personally, I know I would feel like it would be all work for this short term gift or whatever it is versus every day through pandemic, many people we know separated, got divorced, and here, we're in the same house making it work, we're laughing, high fiving.

Now. there are still struggles, but the best pattern you can build is the success of yesterday. What worked yesterday? Let's start there. What is it, "Today's ceiling is tomorrow's floor"?

Vickidawn: I like that.

Dana: What worked yesterday? Maybe it was patience. That's where we're starting today so that I'm in today, so that when I go or he comes, Lord knows we've been in meetings and Zooms for, what is it? Seventy-eight years now, we're all consistently on this stuff this past year and a half. "Hi, how are you? Hey, how are you doing? Is there anything I can do for you today?" Those are probably the two most powerful questions in my house that are asked every single day. Like, "Hey, how are you?"

If he's like, "Oh, whatever" and it's a few days in a row. I'm not like, "You're always complaining". Like, "Oh, I'm sorry, you're having a bad day. Is there anything I can do for you?" Because then I'm not dismissing. That's another pattern, is dismissing someone else's-- it's a pattern, like their feelings. I'm just like, "I'm sorry, you're having a bad day? Is there anything I can do to make it better?" A lot of times, even with your friends, have you ever had that? Like, if they're just like, "Vickidawn, I'm sorry. Is there anything I could do to make it better?" You're like, "You already have." They're like, "I didn't do anything." " Oh, you did. I felt heard. When I feel heard, I feel loved."

Vickidawn: I think it's important too, what you're pointing out is that we're not trying to fix, we're not saying, well, you're doing it wrong, because you're not having a good day. We're just saying, I'm sorry you're having that experience. Then what can I do, if anything and leaving it at that.

Dana: It also releases you from the guilt, blame, and shame that you're causing meanwhile.

Vickidawn: Yes, it puts the ownership back on the other person, and they either can say, yes, you could do this and that would really help or no, I'm sorry, I got to work through this. I'm just in a funk, whatever.

Well, I appreciate it so much. Many of my clients do have struggles in this relationship. You and I have both seen some really tough relationships, people have turned the corner and come back around. There may be a time when even coaching doesn't help that and then we advocate, get help. Because there are sometimes when there's such a pattern of stuckness and such unwillingness that a person needs to step back and work on their willingness first.

Dana: Oh, listen, I am one of the first people to tell my clients that therapy with coaching gives you exponential results because you can address-- It's a more full-rounded approach. Many coaches like yourself, we just know, and myself, we know, like, listen, here's what I can do coaching. Here's what a therapist can do. Go ahead and get a couple of weeks of the therapists under your belt, and let's come back to coaching. Because I see the willingness like, okay, here it is. Listen, I have a therapist and I say it's the safest place to say all the crap I wouldn't say to my husband. He never has to hear it.

I get it out of my system because sometimes-- I work in transformation. I know a lot of people have an idea, an expectation that they're always going to be open and authentic, and then somebody cuts them off in traffic. It's like, you bleep bleep bleep. That doesn't mean you're not transformed but knowing your limits. Breaking the pattern starts with me. When we started this together, breaking that pattern, it's me. If I want the pattern broken, it doesn't mean that my husband does, so if I make small incremental positive changes, he will come.

If I go like this, today we're going to go workout three hours together, then we're going to-- That might be a little bit much, but if that's my goal, to have a healthy partnership, physically, emotionally, financially, whatever it is, I start with a goal and then I back it all the way up to where are we now? Where am I now?

One small incremental change, like one building, today is ceilings, tomorrow's floor. What do we do tomorrow? Well, it's not what do we do, it's who am I becoming? Who am I today that this incremental change that has positive, joyful result? That's really positive reinforcement. Have you ever really gotten anything free by beating yourself or anybody else up?

Vickidawn: Nope.

Dana: Smart, but that's the pattern breaker right there. What's one small thing I can do today to have this happen? I wouldn't say even change, like I'm not changing myself. It's, who am I becoming? Because there's probably something in that pattern that you've realized that you've outgrown that person. You've outgrown that person, not your spouse, you.

Vickidawn: You.

Dana: I've outgrown me. I'm being held like, listen, if I want a quick reality check, I visit my family. I'm almost 47 years old, and I promise you, my uncle will look at me and talk to me like I was five. "Well, remember when you were five, and you did the--" Lord, I don't remember what I had for breakfast let alone when I was five and I dreamed of being an astronaut and a veterinarian.

Vickidawn: Oh, yes.

Dana: I wanted to take care of animals in space. When I want a quick reality check of that, I just call my family that's known me for a really long time, and go, "I've outgrown her."

Vickidawn: Yes, I think that's really important. You've offered a lot of really good tips along the way, and I really appreciate that. Are there any other tips you want to share?

Dana: Yes, journaling. For those people who don't love journaling, I'm one of them, it doesn't have to be some long-drawn-out process. I would say, for those people that are more like me, where once or twice a week, I might spend extended time journaling, have bullet points. If you have one grievance, limit your grievance in your journal, today, my husband pissed me off, blah, blah, blah, but then have at least five things as to what you're grateful for with him.

Vickidawn: I like that.

Dana: It's starting to switch the pattern of going down the landslide of negative thoughts. If it's like, today, he pissed me off or he didn't turn the light off again. Then, "I'm so grateful he loves me the way he does. He always tells me. I'm grateful he tells me he loves me. I'm grateful he brings me flowers because he wants to make sure my spaces are beautiful. I'm grateful that he gives me the space to be neat. Then I start to like, "Okay, I can shift out of it." That's a powerful tool.

Vickidawn: Very powerful. It's a small thing that you can do based on my show, tiny changes big shift, and you had a lot of small steps that you can take, and they are all small. It's the small things that drive us crazy, and it's the small things that can keep us from that edge. Do you have any services or programs you like to promote? How does our audience find you?

Dana: I'm on social media. I'm on Facebook, Instagram, you can find me, Alexis Mitchell. I'm a transformational coach, which basically means I help you become the best version of you. Not my version of the best version of you. I do group coaching, that's one of the things. I don't know that I have a program actually coming up until October or November, but if somebody is interested in coaching, they can reach out and they have access to you.

Vickidawn: You have a website?

Dana: I do. What is my-- It's www.alexismitchell.com. No, it's thealexasmitchell. You know, I don't know because I've used word of mouth actually.

Vickidawn: Different ones.

Dana: That site is being rebuilt. Now it's not alexismitchell.com it's something-- Oh, it's aem-- I don't know. My husband will tell me.

Vickidawn: People can reach out to me. I know how to find you.

Dana: Yes. If they're reaching out to you, they have access to one of the best coaches I know.

Vickidawn: Oh, thank you.

Dana: Listen, if coaching calls them, you're one of the best coaches I know.

Vickidawn: Thank you, Dana. I appreciate it. Thank you so much for being here today and sharing with us. For my audience, if you enjoyed the show, please like and leave a review. I love to get emails from you, so email me at [email protected].

Let me know your thoughts, what you're struggling with, what matters to you, because I really want to provide information that impacts your life. As I say goodbye, remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time. Thank you.