episode 16 - I'm Unhappy - Check Your Expectations. What?

Summary. Expectations get in the way of our happiness in multiple ways. They recreate experiences based on the past, that may not be relevant or helpful. We do justify them however, in order to have certainty and to be effective and efficient. Habits were created to let us move through life on automatic. But….how helpful is automatic and having expectations when we want to let go of old patterns and experience happiness and fulfillment?

Like me you may have experienced a lot of ups and downs in life, and may have reached a point where you think – Something has to change. You’ve tried to change all the outside circumstances in life, changed jobs, maybe changed partners, may have moved. You know none of that worked, because here you are – again, feeling dissatisfied and unhappy. You’re not willing to change the circumstances because you’ve done that before. Now wonder if you need to change something about you. You feel pretty good about many things in your life, you’ve learned a lot on the way. Your job isn’t half bad, you are relatively happy in your relationships with family and friends, and yet…..

I want to speak to that and yet…..

We hear happiness is an inside job, and don’t I know that’s true. And as simple as that statement is, it isn’t easy. What about when the office bully undermines you once again, what about when your partner and you disagree on a huge topic, like money or sex? If you’re like me, my happiness flies out the window on a cloud of anger, frustration, and defeat. I’ve given my happiness away, and it seems so justified Right?

What I hope you gain from my podcast, coaching relationship or from my 8-week programs are insights and inspiration into those area’s in life where the magic really happens, inside. What is stopping that next level of empowerment and fulfillment. I hope you gain new ways of approaching life, with tools that you can use in life challenges. Tools that work because you want to move forward. I hope you gain the support that helps you take the most scary steps you may take in life, facing yourself and doing something about it. And you’re not alone, I’m in your corner and I know that what’s on the other side is so worth it.

So let’s get started on todays topic – I’m Unhappy – Check Your Expectations! What?

Each of us has gone on a HERO’s journey in life – whether it is in health, relationships, or our career. We don’t look at it that way do we? What’s your journey so far? Think about what you have achieved, where were you 5 years ago? That was 2016. Wow, in 2016 I was working my corporate job, I still had the feelings and thoughts – I’m unhappy but I should be grateful, This is life, can’t expect more. There were patterns going on – office bully, office gossip, tensions around decisions and vision. Lack of support from superiors, and yet, there was so much I enjoyed too. People I worked with, the flexibility of my job and the experience working in an environment that had several businesses and area’s of responsibility.

Where do you want that hero’s journey to lead you next?

Let’s start with expectations of yourself

I should be perfect, I should be able to achieve what I want, I should be able to know how to parent, perform my job, and I should be happy with what I have.

How about your expectations of other’s:

They should listen to me, they should know what I want, they should perform how I told them to, they should change to suit me.

Did you notice that all those comments come from your head? Thoughts that you may not even notice, and if you do notice them, you justify them. You are right and others are wrong.

Take the office bully for example. You may expect them to change, they are disruptive, negative, difficult to engage with, and generally aggressive and sometimes mean. You feel very justified in expecting they should change. And our conditioning in life from others supports that thinking.

But what if instead the next time you have a meeting with this person you stepped back and instead of saying “I know how they get, when I bring up the decision I’ve made they will oppose it, they will act condescending and when I stick to my guns they will go to my boss to explain why I’m wrong.” Instead of expecting that same outcome you say, “No expectations. I’m not going to expect them to show up this way, and I’m going to look for ways to not judge this interaction as being the same as it always is. I’m going to find one comment that is supportive and one place I can agree with them.” And build from there. Will that person change? Probably not, will you change? Yes. Is it hard, Absolutely. What do you gain? New perspective. As hard as it is to interact with a personality like that, they are on a hero’s journey too. Finding common ground may diffuse the discussion, but more important, you start to see the person beyond the behavior. With practice you may find you are on completely different footing with them.

Why do we have expectations? The big reason is we want certainty in life, so in milliseconds our brains assess a situation and pulls up an example from the past. Let me repeat that, our brain accesses and references the past, and automatically expects this situation to be a repeat. It could be a recent experience with someone, or repeated experiences with someone that we interpret the same way every time. Or they could just remind us of someone from our past. But it is the past and it is how we create a present that is the same as the past. We want a new moment.

So what do we do about it? Here are tips to use to #1 Become aware of your own thinking and #2 Choose a different approach.

Assess your feelings – set an alarm 4 times a day if necessary and check in with how you feel. Feelings point to what we are thinking. If you are angry, frustrated, or sad. Or do you feel happy, peaceful and content. They tell you about your thoughts. If you have negative feelings, ask yourself, what were my expectations. You may get stuck on - It’s my right. What do I mean by that? It’s my right to expect my son to pick up his room. It’s my right to expect my husband to remember my birthday. It’s my right to expect my employee to arrive to work on time. I’ll ask you this, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? For our purposes, set your “rights” aside. Get at your expectations. Become aware of them.

Choosing a different approach: It could be as simple as picturing a shield in front of you before you go into a situation you know you react to. What used to set you off bounces off the shield, and you remain neutral.

Because all life situations are neutral, not good, not bad, we are the ones who add the interpretation. So pause, ask yourself what is present that causes you to judge this as bad, an underlying expectation that wasn’t met?

Remember the most fundamental tool I use. Make requests. It is okay to request anything in life. It is okay to request your son picks up his room, or request that your husband remembers your birthday, or that your employee be to work on time. It’s okay to request a bully to interact with you with more cooperation and kindness.

If I’m upset when that doesn’t happen, then my request was really a demand, and was based on an expectation. People can say no to a request. If they deny that request, then I’m free to assess what choices I have now, and take action based on love and kindness myself.

Why worry about expectations? Because we want to be happy and free from our past, free to experience the present in ways that works for us and others.

I hope you found value in our discussion today. Please email me your thoughts, I’d love to hear them. [email protected].

Thank you so much for being here and sharing with us today. If you enjoyed the show, please like and leave a review.

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Until next time: Remember: You create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time! By now.