episode 15 - Self-Doubt and Confidence

Summary: After 2 episodes – Can I Really Love Myself, you may come up against self-doubt. I explore how self-doubt is created and strengthened over your life, and effective ways you can address it based on small steps that will make a big change over time!

Vicki Dawn: Hello, and welcome to episode 15, self-doubt and confidence. Oh, my What a big topic. Self-doubt has been such a crippling thing for me throughout my life. I don't know if you can relate. As you know, my name is Vicki Dawn. I started Vicki Dawn Consulting & Coaching to support businesswomen and entrepreneurs express their genius and not lose themselves. Not losing ourselves. As women, we are conditioned from birth, at least in my generation, we were to defer to men, defer to our family. Everybody else comes first, we come second. Everybody else knows more than we do, obviously. Even though they're women too, which is really insane to think about.

Why am I talking about this concept now, self-doubt and self-confidence, in episode 15? Well, we started our podcast journey on talking about your vision, expressing your vision, being committed to your vision, how self-judgment plays a role, and self-judgment and self-doubt are connected, but I think that self-doubt really lives underneath that judgment, and it's a result of judging ourselves in the past. We use that past judgment as evidence to prove that we can't do it now in the present, but we'll get into that a little bit later.

As we've gone on this journey, in the last month I had two episodes. Well, actually this month, yes, July, two episodes on self-love. Can I really love myself? Maybe you're feeling some doubt about that. Can I really love myself? Is that an okay thing to do? Maybe you've got a quiet voice there in your mind whispering, "No, that's not quite right. No, you're not worth it. No, you're not perfect." You're denying yourself that confidence that, first and foremost, you're a worthy valuable human being. You have a voice, you have opinions, you know how to do things, and you have so much to contribute. So much to contribute.

Let's start a little bit with the concept of self-doubt, which really is just lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities and, of course, confidence would mean you have trust that you can do this task or express this opinion or accomplish what you want to accomplish in life, I guess, basically, confidence that you can achieve the outcome that you're after. There is where some self-doubt can enter into the picture.

You might have approached a situation, a project at work or at education or something with your kids that you wanted to improve, and you approached with confidence, you knew that you had the right ideas, and then you implemented it, and the outcome was not what you expected. There comes self-judgment that you were wrong, you didn't do it right, and that feeds that self-doubt.

The next time you come up with a project at work or an idea to implement in the family or for yourself, transforming yourself, you reference automatically that past incident that the outcome wasn't what you wanted, and so then you say, "Oh, there's that self-doubt. I can't do it this time." If you do that several times over and over, you feed that self-doubt, you feed it, you grow it, it becomes so strong, and it becomes a huge voice in your head. Self-doubt, every decision you make, you doubt if you did it right, if it's going to turn out right.

And here's the kicker. Stay with me for a minute and think about this concept. Outcomes are not good or bad, they just are. If you did the very best that you could do, and the outcome is not what you expected or wanted, it does not mean that you didn't do it right. It means that's the outcome that happened. Think about that. Accept that. Outcomes are not good or bad. They don't prove that you're not good enough. They don't prove that you don't know what you're doing. They don't prove anything except for that was the outcome you got.

Does that mean you don't go back and process or debrief that outcome? No. You can go back and ask yourself, "What was I doing that worked well that carried this to what I wanted the outcome to be? What was I doing that didn't work so well that carried it to being what I wanted and what I didn't want it to be?" It all comes back to our mindset, and believe me, I know this is hard for most of us because we're used to looking at circumstances. I was conditioned to look at circumstances in my life, circumstances: people, places, and things. I thought I could be happy if I could get those all lined up to be operating the way that I wanted them to be. They were all outside of me. That's the point I want to make really with self-doubt. It's fed from looking outside yourself for validation, for approval, for evidence about you. It's all in your mind.

What might reinforce that self-doubt? Of course, we talked about it. Judgment, self-conditioning, looking for validation outside yourself are big culprits to feeding that self-doubt voice.

Is it ever healthy for self-doubt? Yes, of course, because we don't want to be overconfident. We don't want to be cocky. We don't want to be so self-assured that we don't even think or question ourselves. No, that's not what we're after. We're after a calm, reasonable assessment of our value and being able to step into discomfort and take a risk and try it out and not have self-doubt stop you before you even do it.

Self-doubt and procrastination, oh, my. Do these two ever come together for you? They do for me. Self-doubt is uncomfortable. If I don't stop and identify it, it's just a murky feeling that I have inside that says, I'm not comfortable. I'm not comfortable. I made a big decision. Now I'm worried that that decision wasn't right. I'm concerned about the outcome. I'm concerned about my ability. I accepted a new job. It's really a stretch for me. I don't know if I can do it. The scope is much bigger than I anticipated," and the self-doubt can start to worry you.

When I feel self-doubt and discomfort, it's so tempting to want to procrastinate. We think, "Oh, I'd rather do this over here." TV, social media, eating - other things that-- shopping sometimes for me, I have to admit it. My family knows it, and I don't like to admit it, but it's true. I love to shop. It's distracting, but it doesn't go away. We all know that about procrastinating. It doesn't change that this is an uncomfortable situation and that what I need to do is face it head-on. Face that self-doubt. Face those feelings about myself.

If they're big enough and strong enough, talk them over with a friend, a coach, a mentor, somebody that we trust at work, if you have that relationship with your supervisor, sure. Go for it. If you're an entrepreneur and you're in the trenches and you feel like you're on your own, cultivate relationships with people that give you honest, true feedback, and that you can call on. None of us can do this alone, this job, this thing called living. We try to do it alone and suffer for it.

The first thing that really is helpful is to really just have a conversation with it. You make a decision, you accept the job, you accept the project. Now, all of a sudden, you're struggling. You're feeling self-doubt. Say- "Oh, hello. Hello there, self-doubt. I hear you doubting my ability to perform this task." Ask it, "What makes you think I can't do it?" Respond to it, "Well then, I hear that, and you could be right. I might not be able to perform this task, but I won't know if I don't try. You're right, I haven't done this before, so I don't have a reference point to fall back on. Self-doubt, what's the worst that could happen? It doesn't turn out the way that I anticipated. Have I done that before? Have I lived through it?" Reframe it in your mind, what's the worst that can happen? What's the worst that can happen?

Self-doubt wants to put a lot of drama in there and say, "Oh, if it doesn't work out, you can get fired and people will leave you and your relationship will fail." Self-doubt adds a lot of drama, a lot of awfulizing, like, "Oh my God, oh my God, it's going to be the worst ever." Tone it down and say, "Yes, I understand that that is a possible outcome, but really, has that been my experience? Have I gotten fired before for making a mistake?" I'm sure people do every day. Yes, they do. Is that the end of the world? Maybe not.

How to strengthen your confidence? How do you think you can strengthen confidence? First of all, in your mind, there's a place, a centered place, where you really love yourself, whether you admit it or not. You can go to that place with self-awareness, self-love, and self-compassion. What it really takes is letting go of perfectionism. There's a lot of other things, but there is a big one right there. We all strive for perfectionism because we compare our insides to other people's outsides. We look at somebody else from the outside, and we think they have it all together, we think they know exactly how to approach every situation, we think they're so successful, and we compare our insides where we're feeling, maybe, self-doubt, maybe some concern about being unable to handle things.

We are so aware of every mistake we've ever made in our life, so we compare all that internal stuff we know about us to the outside facade that we see and make up about somebody else. Perfectionism is not ever going to be accomplished. Anybody that you look at, they may have honed their skills and be able to come across very self-assured and very confident, but don't, for a minute, think they haven't made mistakes, or that they don't feel like you do sometimes, self-doubt, concern about their abilities. We all have the same emotional makeup, and that is so critical to understanding how to let go of this perfectionism.

We hear the saying, strive for excellence, not perfection. Even that can lead us to unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. Yes, excellence. Yes, doing the very best I can do, but guess what? Acknowledge yourself if the very best that you could do today was to show up in your office and do the minimum work that you had to do that day. That's excellent. Reframe what you think is excellent. Excellent doesn't always mean being at the top of the pack. No, it's not about being at the top of the pack. We have a very competitive nature in our society, we think it's all about being at the top of the pack, being the best.

We think being a leader is that, and it's not. I love Sinek. I think that Simon Sinek has a video about wolves and how he shows that the leader in the wolf pack takes up rear of the pack. That's a moving video if you look for it on YouTube. It's so true. Anyway, I digress from our topic in hand.

Many of my clients are challenged with acknowledging their strengths, what they do well, and their wisdom. They feel like it's bragging or being self-important, especially in the workplace, and especially as women in the workplace. We're conditioned to defer to men. We're conditioned to defer to always trying to be the best, and that shuts the door on experimentation and trial.

Innovation comes from being willing to try something brand new, try it out, innovate. If we're in an environment where that's not right because you have to be perfect every day, you have to get it right every time. If you're in an environment where mistakes can't happen, failure is unaccepted, oh my goodness, I feel for you because that's an environment that's just going to feed self-judgment and self-doubt. Think about that, not saying get out, saying maybe there's some room, some elbow room to bring something different to that picture, but if you continue to pay the price, what do you think the price might be for living with this judgment and self-doubt? What price do you pay as a human being on this planet when you doubt yourself when you don't believe in yourself?

Well, number one, you hold back. You don't give 100%, because what if it's not right? What if it doesn't turn out the way you want? What if somebody laughs at you, or what if somebody criticizes you? All the what-ifs in the world. You hold back, you don't contribute. If you don't contribute your true gifts and talents, you don't feel fulfilled. I'm not talking about your company being fulfilled, or your company making money, or even your own business making money. If you don't contribute 100%, your gifts, and talents, whatever they are, you're not going to be fulfilled. If you're not fulfilled, you open the doors for unhappiness. You're not fulfilled, you're not contributing what you know you can contribute, so your self-esteem, your confidence is impacted. How about other people? How about other people? If you hold back with your friends, with your family with your work, how are they impacted?

I'm pausing for you to think about that for a minute because we live in a world, we live in a community, and when we aren't doing what we know we can do, all around us are impacted, they pay the price as well. Maybe you don't get the promotion that you know you could have because you're afraid to try. That impacts your family, the resources that you have available for a family vacation, for your kids' education, the list goes on and on, your community. We all have a vibrant spirit and gifts, and we want to contribute that energy, I believe. Just ask yourself the questions about that.

As you know, my show is based on small changes that lead to big shifts. What small changes could I recommend to you on this topic? Well, the number one thing with self-doubt is to embrace it, and that may seem counterintuitive, but we all know that what we resist persists. If you feel self-doubt, and you tell yourself, "Well, I can't experience this, I can't feel this, this isn't how I should be." If we try to push it away, push it down, it's just going to grow. It's still going to operate. Embrace it, talk to it, name it, that's another big important small step that you can take. Name, call it out. When you're aware of it say, "Well, hello, self-doubt," or whatever you name it. Mine is, "Oh, no, what if I'm wrong?" That's what I've named my self-doubt, "Oh, no. Mr. Oh no. Mrs. Oh no."

Mine has a lot of drama, and quiet drama, because I'm not a very-- I view myself as being a self-contained person that goes with the flow and doesn't let things ruffle me, and so the drama is suppressed in my mind, but it's there. It's dramatic. It's going to be awful because doubt awfulizes. Another big important thing. That's two things, embrace it, name it. Really important, this one. Don't identify with it, don't say, "Well, that's just me." It's not just you, it's a habit. It's a mental habit that you've formed over your lifetime, and depending on how strong it is, depending on how much you've fed it. Don't accept it as true that it's just me.

The fourth thing, stop looking for validation outside yourself. If you have this habit of looking outside yourself for being right or being happy - for proof or evidence. That's what we're looking for outside ourselves, evidence that we're right, evidence that we're worthy, evidence that we're lovable. You won't find it outside yourself, it really lives inside of you. Cultivate that new thinking. I made a decision. I don't know what the results will be. It could turn out the way I expect, it could turn out completely different, but it's my choice, I own it. It's me. It's mine. I'm going to commit to my choice. I'm going to do the best that I can. If it doesn't work out, it's not a reflection on me. It doesn't mean that I'm not good enough. It means maybe I didn't make it this time. But stop and learn everything that you could learn from having the experience because we're here to experience life. It's an experience. It's not an event.

Do I have any follow-up comments? Yes, I do. Concepts? Just that  - they're concepts. When I talk about them on my show and I learn about them myself, they're interesting, they can be fun. They can be illuminating. They can be insightful, but that's it. They're just a mental construct, a concept. When you want to change, you have to apply something new. You apply the simple small steps. There's where it can be tricky because we think, "Oh, that's just a small thing, and I know that." We minimize it. We say, "That won't matter, that won't change." That's that voice in our head that says to stay the way you are. You don't have to change after all. You have done enough because you've got the concept. No, no, no.

If you want to step forward and really improve your leadership skills, your confidence in yourself, your presence in your workplace, your contribution to your family, your friends, your world, your community, you need to apply small simple things that touch your heart, that say, "Yes, I can relate to that. I know I need to do it or I could do better maybe," and so on. No one can do that for you. You can't learn that about yourself. You have to apply it. You have to experience it. If you doubt your ability to change, start there. Start with little small steps and implement them consistently. Monitor your progress. Acknowledge every step that you take that takes you outside that habit that you want, and reward yourself. Find something juicy, something really, really fun that you want to do as a reward.

Do I have any services or programs to promote? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Find my website, vickidawn.com. I have my eight-week training programs. I have my coaching programs. I have tabs on my website to help you personally, help your business. Find my Linktree. You can find links to my podcast. Please, if you love my podcast, if you like my message, share it with family and friends, and leave me a review because that really helps raise visibility. My Linktree where you can find all this is https://LINKTR.EE/vickidawn.

As I end this episode today, I want to say, please remember, you live your life, your beautiful life, one moment, one step at a time. Thanks for listening and being here today.