07-27-2024 - On This Day in Insane History

On July 27th, 2024, hundreds of people gathered in downtown Denver for what they thought was a rally in support of sandwich rights. However, as the organizers took the stage to warm up the crowd, what began as calls for just treatment of hoagies nationwide took a strange turn.

Eyewitnesses report the leaders launched into an odd rant about the supposedly secret agendas of big lunch meat. Conspiracies were floated involving bologna illuminati, pastrami people, and salami swap deals. As the formerly sedate crowd looked on in puzzlement, things escalated when an alleged "leaked memo" was brandished and read aloud.

It purportedly outlined plans for cold cut world domination through the standardization of sandwich toppings. This was more than the delicate digestions of the masses could stand. Pandemonium ensued as alarming rumors of a "meat mountain fortress" and "lunch lobby lizard people" spread through the throng.

The last sightings included the organizers speeding away in a suspicious bread truck, with some rallygoers in bemused pursuit. Police are still investigating whether sandwich-based subterfuge was actually afoot. Meanwhile, Denver delis did a land office business in all things hoagie that day, as the city pondered whether its preprandial politics had truly gotten so wildly out of hand.