041_How To Quit Feeling Guilty When We Stand-Up For Ourselves

How often have you said yes when you didn’t want to — or agreed with someone just to not make waves, when you feel deep inside that it isn’t true for you?
Or you speak up, you say no, but then you feel guilty afterward?  What is behind the guilt?

Guilt is a signal that we aren’t taking full responsibility for our own truth — accepting that what happened happened — and now it’s past.

In today’s podcast episode, Lar and I talk about standing in our truth,  and how we learned to change the way we have conversations both with each other and the people in our lives in the various roles we play.

For me,  what was behind feeling guilty for standing up for myself was the same thing that kept me from speaking up in the first place.

Bottom-line, I valued the other person’s opinion of me more than I valued my own. I had my self-worth attached to whether or not they liked me, approved of me,  or saw me in a favorable light. — And  the crazy part is, I couldn’t actually know how they felt or saw me —just what I imagined was going on with them.  Yet I attached my worth to it.  I felt powerless because I wasn’t dealing with reality.

Reality is the event and my truth in any given situation. That’s what I am responsible for. Your opinion and/or the way you see me, it none of my business.

When I made the commitment to love myself, it meant that I’d have to brave telling the truth, so I could hold onto my dignity and self-worth — which is the only way I have the inner strength to deal with the fall out when I changed the long established pattern of deferring to others, staying silent, and doing things I didn’t really want to do. Then to forgive myself for the guilt seemed to follow immediately after.

It’s scary to change long held patterns. It feels raw. It feels vulnerable. It feels like stepping into a new skin that must be worn in before it’s comfortable.

When my mind started replaying the moment of speaking up for myself and feeling guilty about it,  I found that the fear of loss of their approval  was nipping at my heels.  So, I began to give myself the approval, forgiveness and love I used to seek outside myself.  This softened-up that new skin and stretched me to fill it out.

One thing is crucial. When we choose to go down this road of being true to ourselves and speaking up — We have to be clear that when we speak our own truth, what the other person does with it is NONE OF OUR BUSINESS!
They get to do what they want with it.  If they leave — they leave. If they get mad — they get mad. It’s their right. It’s not personal. We don’t have to make their response about us! If what they do with it violates us, we can walk away. Dignity intact.

We have to keep reminding ourselves that dignity is the right of every human being. 

Only from a place of honesty can we have a real conversation. The rest is a manipulation for agreement.

Though it does it feel so scary to stand in our own truth,  it is empowering.  And that power comes with a responsibility to act in integrity with our truth. 
But because it’s scary,  we tell ourselves a story we’ve learned since childhood that ‘good’ people agree.  Good people do what’s ask of them. Good people stay silent.
Because we fear we might alienate the one whose opinion differs from our truth, we agree and compromise being true to our own worth  in favor of the approval from that person or something outside ourselves.

In today’s conversation we talk about the ways we’ve found to bring our worth and power back where it belongs — with ourselves.  When we do this, we find we can allow other person the dignity to stand in their own truth and quit taking it personally when it differs from ours.
 
Have a yummy week & a yummy day!