038_ What’s Really Going On When We Feel We Need to Defend Ourselves?

In today’s episode, we’re discussing that thing that happens when we feel defensive.  Someone says something, and their opinion feels like a personal threat to us. We feel compelled to correct them; set the record straight. It seems totally justified. After all we’re not being seen or heard properly or we wouldn’t need to set them straight. Right? We lash out and attack what we perceive to be an attack on us. Right? 

When we feel our personal identity is under attack, we feel threatened.  Defense is an attempt to blame someone else for our uncomfortable feelings. We decide we know how they are going to react. And that justifies defending and attacking back — which often looks like proving our point, and trying to get them to agree with us, or at least back off. We actually believe this will keep our ‘good’ self image intact. Bottom line, we’re attached to the personal identities we’ve built up.

Identity and authentic self are not the same thing. Feeling defensive is a clue as to which one we’re operating from. One is true. The other, false. 
When we’re maintaining an identity, it is the opposite of communication. It is manipulation. Not just of the one we’re trying to win over, but ourselves. 

Because, in truth, it is never about the other person. What they are saying or doing has nothing to do with us. Unless we make it about us. And it’s never the real us, which needs no defense. We all have the innate right and freedom to be who we are; however we want to be. 

But if we look beneath defense we see it is always fear behind defense. Fear that that we’ll be seen as deficient in some way. Fear that what we have to offer won’t be received with respect, acceptance and praise. Fear that we are not enough. 
Why not pause and take a look within? It’s your life. To be true to you, choose you.

We have to make a choice. We can’t defend an identity and be authentic at the same time. Authenticity stems from a deep sense of love, of accepting and trusting ourselves, which leads to trusting others.  

What’s happening is just what’s happening. —It’s not personal. Until we make it about us. Opinion is just opinion until it’s MY opinion we’re talking about. Money is just money, unless we’re talking about MY money. Relationship is just relationship, unless MY relationship is involved. 

Speaking of relationships, the buck stops here. All of our relationships are really an extension of our relationship with ourselves. If we believe others have expectations of us, it reflects the expectations we have of ourselves, and subsequently everyone else. 

If we lie or keep secrets because we believe the other will be upset, we’re fostering a relationship based on fear and assumptions. Assumptions are a barrier to communication. So the way around it is to tell the whole truth; the fears you’re harboring and the assumptions you’re making as well as the desire to see beyond them and the hope that you’ll be seen and loved.

Why not be honest?  It’s your life after all.  Only you can bring the love, acceptance and honesty you want to have into your life, by being it. That’s love. Love is big enough to hold all things, accept all things and creates a space for real communication to happen.  It is the only way to deal straight on, so real acceptance can take place.  Be honest. Tell the truth as you understand it at the time and let the chips fall as they may. This is the living conversation we can be engaged in with everyone, regardless of the circumstances. If I want intimacy, I must bring who I am right now to the conversation. 

We hope you enjoy our conversation as it weaves in and around these dynamics, and how we have come to understand our own lives and dismantling identities we’ve built up, in favor of living from a place of truth, self-respect and love. 
Have a yummy week & a yummy day!