The Science of Attraction

In this podcast we talked about what attracted us to people.

What happened to attraction over the span of a relationship and what killed it or kept it alive.

We answered whether it can be re-ignited and much more.

Transcript

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Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So tonight, we're looking at the science of attraction. What is it that makes us attracted to one person and not to another? So you've been in the breakout rooms.

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I think you'll find you're all Meeteetse. So just tell me if you want to join, if you've got something to say. But so we were looking in the breakout rooms about who you who you like. If you could say anyone or spend the night with anyone, who would you choose? And then looking beyond that, what was there that attracted you to that person? So does anyone want to share what they found from their breakout rooms? Yes, we liked different people, but we all found that we were attracted to the animal magnetism and their presence.

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OK, so animal magnetism as in. Some of them, yeah, their presence really we describe them as being confident and having a distinct presence about them. OK, I think I could add to that because I was in the same group, I don't mind bringing it to the floor, I think is an example in nineteen fifty eight. So I've got an interesting thing with regards to dates. So in nineteen fifty eight, if anyone remembers, in the fifties there was a very attractive actress who I found attractive and my grandfather found attractive when he was in his 20s, Elizabeth Taylor.

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So she was in a film called Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. If anyone remembers a nineteen fifties in nineteen fifty eight with Paul Newman. And on the other side, Paul Newman was a very handsome man in the nineteen fifties, but I think Elizabeth Taylor would be one that struck out for me and her personality, in a sense a stage persona. I think Elizabeth Taylor from the 1950s.

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I think anyone else and also I'm interested in looking at is there a divide like any distinctions between between gender attraction and genders?

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I think I've read it before that men tend to go off, they have more visual. Well, I must say that I agree with Betty's group, the Animal Magnetism, for me, I would spend a night with Idris Elba and AJ and have gotten from Bollywood movies and Indian fans and Bollywood fans. I would spend the night with them when I want to get intellectual where maybe I'll go elsewhere. But yeah, those two, I'm OK. And so is it the looks.

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Is it the character they play? Is it something else?

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Well, in the carrot they can play different characters, but essentially there is something about them. There's presence the way they carry themselves. There's confidence. And you you don't know this for a fact, but you think that they may be interesting just to have a conversation with, but I'm not expecting them to be professor, you know, whatever.

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That's not what I'm looking for. I'm sorry if not for one night of the week. Yes.

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You just want them to look pretty for tonight. Is that it? Oh, yes.

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Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And I'd love to be entertained. I mean, it doesn't mean anything, you know, it's just that that is what I would like for that excitement then.

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Oh, no, I'll have the proper conversations, you know, the deep the deep look into your eyes or get into my brain kind of thing. Now, not for one night. I like Dustin Hoffman. I like his voice. Actually, it's got really OK. What is it about his voice. I don't know. It's just I'm not quite sure she. I don't know what it is, he's just. There's a sense there is a sense of depth about his voice when you just get a feeling that he could talk about anything and have something really interesting to say about it, and you can always close your eyes.

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Sorry, and you can always close your eyes if it's just the voice. Well, listen, not just know. I know. I'm just I'm just joking.

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Not in our group.

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We had we completely contradict what you were saying. The male janosz was definitely into the intellect, whereas Frances and myself, it was more like the attractive body, etc.. And Frances chose Chris O'Dowd, who I Googled to find out who he was. He's an actor. And I had to check. We looked really attractive on my phone, but I have to check his height because height is really important to me. And I know that sounds silly.

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And and so height was really important, but Janosz definitely went for the the the brains rather than the the attractive body, etc.. And my mind was Adrian Dumba from the line of duty. Yeah, that's okay.

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Thank you. And what are what was it about your dumba?

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It's his voice, and we both were talking about the Irish accents, so it was the Irish accent and it just seems to have a lovely way with him. And he's tall, obviously, and I hate to say it, but he reminds me a bit of my dad. So what more than somebody might well read into that. OK, thank you.

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And Granddad, he. I am sorry about that. Well, just because the policy is not working, yeah, the reason that we I was in it was interesting because the girls have completely different expectations. And then I was really interested because they tend to go for the lost and a bit of provocation for a night. And I was the complete opposite. I can't even if I said to you, you're going to go on a date with the person, I don't want to waste it by drooling all over them.

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I want no intellectual conversation with them. I want to get to know him a really deep level, but on a on a nice, calm, easy conversation. But I want to get in a more intuitive level. I don't just look at it because you've got fancy nails. It's all irrelevant. And what's the point? It's a waste of my time to spend time with them, rather sit and watch Netflix. So it was just interesting being someone else's perception of it.

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I need to be intellectually stimulating up and out with pretty girls with no brains. It doesn't work because you're going to form a relationship with someone that has to you have to be stimulated in all aspects. So, yeah, if you're on a date with someone possibly doing it, what's the point of even attentive? They're not they're emotionally or mentally stimulating because it might be physically attractive. It doesn't mean anything. Does it really just go buy a magazine or something?

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But if you're looking for a relationship to gain some sort of spiritual emotional wisdom from someone, so you want to choose your time carefully. So it was interesting how my but my preferences were completely different from can I just stop you there? And just to ask if it's not a relationship, if it's just pure physical attraction, would you still go for the intellect overlooks? I've been a really beautiful women. But that's got nothing about and I'm not saying all women are like that, but they literally have nothing about them.

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It's straight up and out of office looking women who are more bouncy and got more personality. It's not about anything. It's about someone is just a nice person, a mature, emotionally mature person. It's like I'm 40. I'm not playing games with my child. Emotionally immature, 40 years old. I'm married, by the way, so I'm not looking for anything. I found that. I found the physical age. That's why I'm married. But the thing is, relationships have to be built on something or it's pointless.

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It can't be built on lost because it looks fade. I'm not as handsome as I was 10 years ago and then another 10 years going to be even uglier. That's just life. And unfortunately, you have to find someone that you've got a deep, deep connection with because that's what it's all about. It's about creation and procreate and being with someone when you get old. So, yes, so so normally I would agree with you.

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But what we're doing tonight is just looking at attraction and trying to separate attraction from relationship so that I have someone who knows something I don't know someone that it's got more I can learn from. OK, I'd want to be with someone like that, OK? OK, thank you. And so how.

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Yeah, I was just wondering. So is the attraction the same thing as connection? Meaning that the chapter just spoke to find a way to connect with these women despite that outwardly great appearance. So. Yeah, is attraction and connections nominals. No connection is when you connected to someone, but attraction is what draws you to someone. So for attraction, how we use attraction as a definition. The definition of attraction we're using is is like magnetic attraction. So, yeah.

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So it's what attracts you because the force of attraction is attract or repel. So it's what attracts you. And I think it's Irene where you're going to have some say.

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I quite like confidence, confidence. Tom Hardy for me, I think he's just such a confident actor. And also I quite like talents like musicians and even like people with power tools. You know, guys are power tools. I know what it is. I just the command or the mastery, you know, like I've got this kind of thing, you know, we're looking at attraction and quite like, you know, guitarists who just get really into the music and does not about looks.

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It's about seeing how much pleasure they're given off to the audience and also themselves. And yeah. So that's what I like, I think. OK, thank you. Anyone else? All mine were, I think, started on physical attraction because the celebrities and you can only go off their TV or film personality. What you see generally with some of them and is that I'm not sure and fans are all just me now towards the end of the conversation, because you got that one minute show, three with Michelle Keegan, Margot Robbie and Amanda hold of and some of them.

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I have seen what they portray as their personal Magaro with a couple of films I've seen. And yes, she's a bit cheeky, a bit full. Well, that could just be a character she's portraying. But yeah, looking at it from me I it but I picked one other because I will spend a few seconds left money to help me out. The other person is briefly Catherine Ryan, who's a comedian. So I've seen her a few times, I think she can be quite funny, but I've seen another side of her personality where she had a bit of fun that she joined in the Lip-Sync show.

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So she was portrayed do the best singing, better dancing. So I saw that you don't normally see. And she dressed up as well. We don't always see her dressed up. So she was also dressed up, which I don't always see. So she's funny. So she was taking a few boxes. But yeah, I can imagine quite a few guys who say yes. Michelle Keegan sexaholics.

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OK, thank you. That um, there's something I've noticed on social media as well is and I just want to say thank you for being brave enough to to put out that dash, but a lot of men tend to not want to.

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So like you'll see, I've seen quite a few social media posts and women are quite aggressive to certain men. Like I remember seeing Chadwicks, the body coach and women and all these kind of things of like that. They found him attractive and they were imagining him being with them in the kind of comments out there. And kind of and whereas I've seen similar posts where like a similar female celebrity or something has done something like that and men have been very restrained.

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They might be different in messages, but socially, I feel. A lot of men feel they're not able to express, like, pure physical attraction, I don't know if any men feel that way, that they have to show more depth to them or something like that. But but that's kind of something I noticed. So. Did anyone else have comment, I think maybe.

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Yeah, well, my choice was Elon Musk and because I would simply really enjoy talking to him and listening to his ideas, I listen to his podcast with Joe Rogan, and it lasted for like four hours. And it was great in my group with Carlin. Richard, we did all agree that it was about intelligence. But towards the end, we did say that it's quite self-explanatory for people to say that they're attracted to intelligence is is really a no brainer because, well, obviously, you wouldn't be able to spend more than 15 minutes with just a pretty person because they would have nothing else to say.

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But to add that to add to that, I would say that looks would still be important. And I think I did express it for my personal life that when people say that I'm only attracted to intelligence and nothing else, I think they're massive hypocrites because we all choose to how a person looks as well, even though we might not admit it ever. But I personally think that and wanting to talk to someone is a no brainer and wanting to have a nice conversation.

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But also you might want to see a nice person as well, especially if that person's intelligent. They would want to talk to person, to another intelligent person. I think it's self-explanatory. Rob, do you think it's a bit of an age thing? My next door neighbors are racing car driver and he's getting a little bit older and he'd always have the Lycra girl on his arm when he was out with his mates, etc.. And this has been going on for years.

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You know, I've met so many girls. They are absolutely gorgeous. And then recently he's come to me and I have coffee with him and we'll be talking for hours. And then he suddenly said, he says, I'm getting to the age now where I want to have somebody who can have a deep conversation with because these girls, they can't talk about, like, you know, his type of music, et cetera, et cetera. So I think as he's getting older, he's realizing that maybe he does need a little bit more than the conversation than the looks and no longer needs to impress his friends.

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The other thing is over Christmas, I went through a bad time really with my partner. So I went on dating sites. I don't know if any of you've tried them and you could get even in covid I could get you know, you could get a date every Saturday, every Sunday. It would only be a walk because that's what we were restricted to, etc.. And obviously the height was the issue. So every Saturday I'd go out, you know, with a particular man that I'd met on the dating site during the week.

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And then Sunday I'd have another war. I don't know what the neighbors were thinking anyways. So then all ages and and but and we'd walk around and you talk because that's all you're be doing. And if they and there was some really lovely people you could have conversations with, but I would go and talk to my lady friends that would be walking with during the week. And I'd just say I'd love to, you know, keep going with this guy, etc.

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but there's no physical attraction. I could not get into bed with this man, et cetera, et cetera, and no chemistry. Put that word out there as well. I don't know what anybody else feels about that. So going back to what Rosamma, I think was saying about I think you need a little bit of physical attraction before you start the conversation. Maybe just put out there. Yeah, OK. Thank you for that. Yeah. So what we're looking at is attraction and so.

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The quality of a relationship is about connection, and so what we're trying to look at is the initial attraction, but also the fact of you may have connection. And so Esther Perel says that in a long term relationship. The attraction dies because of familiar familiarity. So we're looking at what does it take to keep the attraction for a relationship. So we're looking at what is an attraction and then what does it take to keep that attraction alive? Do you want to jump in?

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Cantante. And the first thing that we can use is Travis, I can't because otherwise I feel like I know that's the thing. Do not be illusions. I am not a grunt, OK? I'm a lot younger, but yeah, humor is the best one because you say you can laugh people to death if you if you've got banter and it's great you got a relationship and you're constantly, you know, my my favorite thing I get I'm married.

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Right. So and when I go on holiday with Mrs. Merkel abroad, there's nothing better than there are people watching. And it's just little stories of about people that we can say we just take it and laugh. And so much so cume is the main thing is it's being able to just laugh all the time and not take life too seriously because no one gets out alive anyway. So when you saw that you can just have a laugh with all the time, it's great.

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It's brilliant because that connection and that attraction gets stronger. So I've been married for like four, five years, but I'm in a relationship and I love her more than I've ever loved that because she looks she looks more attractive because I'm more connected to her that she'd say the same thing because she brings up something in me and I bring out something in there that other people can't necessarily do. It's like last but I said deep, meaningful relationship. I don't mean let's get into people's psyche.

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I mean, let's just be open and learn. And remember, relationships are built. They're not they're not yet. You can't just because it'll just you feel these relationships, they just the end before is because it's ended. And with the social media as well, like Tinder and all that nonsense, there's so much temptation out there. So if you haven't got a good connection with someone, you could look somewhere else. You're going to be tempted, aren't you?

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I definitely think it's important. You know, so many people say that the funds, the funds gone, the excitement is gone. So but it seems like not taking stuff too seriously. But what about when life does get serious, when we children or when there are really big issues...