You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling: 80% of Couples Will Face This

Mismatched desire is the number one challenge my clients bring to me for resolution. Statistically, if you’re part of a couple, there’s an 80% chance you have experienced this or are experiencing this in your relationship right now.

“We don’t have sex anymore. I don’t understand why.”

These clients don’t feel wanted or desired. And they don’t know what to do about it. It usually starts with accusations that it’s their partner’s fault.

Clients blame their lack of sex on their partner’s loss of desire and interest.

There’s a common progression in this scenario. After some weeks, months, or years of initiating sex without feeling any desire reflected back to them, these partners get to the point of no longer asking. Instead they find their own ways to avoid sex and begin shutting down emotionally.

Resentment sets in and creates an undercurrent of withholding and tension in the relationship. This shows itself as irritability, angry outbursts, or passive aggressive behavior, all of which undermine intimacy and attraction, the very thing they long for.

One of my first questions is, “Have you had an honest and open conversation about your sex life and why your partner doesn’t want to have sex anymore?”

“No,” is the typical answer.

“Why not?” I’ll ask them.

“Because I know why. They’re not interested in sex anymore.”

Sometimes the hardest part of sex is talking about it in a way that’s curious, open, and solution focused. For that to happen higher desire partners need to move beyond their sense of (fill in the blank: betrayal, sadness, punishment, withholding, avoidance, denial)

These feelings are understandable. It’s scary to lose your partner’s desire. What if they’re not attracted to me anymore? What if they’ve found someone else they desire? What if we never get our sex life back again? What if our relationship is over? It becomes a rabbit hole of catastrophising and ‘what ifs’ that sinks deeper and deeper into subjective despair, shame, and resentment.

In this mindset, higher desire partners may make a decision to step away from their partner and redirect they’re sexual energy to porn, promiscuity, paid sex (on or offline), or masturbation as their primary sexual outlet.

No more failed initiations, no more conversations that lead to conflict, they close the door on trying, leaving both them and their partner feeling abandoned in a mess of unresolved emotions.

Shame becomes part of both partner’s experiences. One has shame because they no longer feel desired by the person they love, and the other feels shame because they know they’re not meeting the needs of the person they love and care about.

Shame is isolating. It thrives in silence. It eats away at our self-esteem and tells us we’re unlovable. Couples end up arguing about porn consumption or promiscuity instead of what’s happening in their sex life.

It’s easier to point the finger at the symptoms than to speak honestly about the source of the problem: desire

What many couple don’t understand or perhaps believe is there’s a way out of this rabbit hole that starts with an honest and vulnerable dialogue. That means no blaming, no defending, no presumptions, no accusations! It means remembering that you are one couple in many who are simply facing a crossroad and an opportunity to grow.

Discussing sexual challenges is one of the most vulnerable conversations we can have with our partner, and when done well, it can be one of the most transformational events for a couple’s relationship

Learn the tools to become effective communicators, compassionate listeners, and more curious friends and partners.

You can do this by first, sincerely wanting change in your sex life, and two, finding the support of a coach or therapist trained in sexuality.

In upcoming chapters of The Turned-On Couple we’ll delve deeper into unraveling this common challenge.

If you’re ready to align with a professional who can guide you in this journey back to desire, schedule a conversation with me and learn more about how sex and relationship coaching can reset your sex life.

Are you currently one of the 80%?

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