The Curse of Confirmation Bias: How We Look for Proof to Support Our Negative Stories

As I said last week, Part 1 (chapters 1-28) of the Turned-On Couple is where the rubber meets the relationship road. This is where you lay the foundation for intimacy and desire to grow. So let’s look at another more nuanced part of relating that be a silent killer of connection.

Confirmation bias

We all have it. We experience it every day in the news, our politics, our workplace, and (most directly) in our relationships, where partners can suffer the consequences of confirmation bias on a daily basis.

Humans are wired to look for danger, and danger in the case of relationships comes in the form of complaints and conflict. Conflict triggers threat, and threat pumps cortisol into our bloodstream, preparing us for “fight or flight.” So when it comes to relationships, it makes sense that our brains are far more skilled at noticing what’s wrong with our partner than what’s right.

We all form biases in order to make sense of our experiences. Those biases then form the basis of the stories we tell ourselves when we feel challenged by our partner. We look for the proof that supports the stories we already have written in our minds.

If circumstances leave enough room for us to skew our interpretation of events, we’ll jump on the opportunity to be right, even if it makes us feel bad.

A midlife couple I’ve counseled for some time is trying to heal from infidelity on the woman’s part. Even though the infidelity happened years ago, her partner’s negative feelings about the matter remain firmly in place.

The story he formed from his bias is that she doesn’t love him, that he’s not a good lover, and that — given the opportunity — she’ll betray his trust again (even though she repeatedly reassures him that none of those things are true).

The situation is corrosive to their relationship. If she has to work late, he imagines the worst. If she doesn’t want to have sex one night, he creates the story that she finds sex with him boring. If she doesn’t stop what she’s doing immediately when he needs attention, he tells himself that she no longer loves him.

You can see how his negative and fearful beliefs are his own worst enemy and may very well lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When our relationships are laden with negative biases, we’re on the constant lookout for proof that we’re right, and we selectively overlook all the information that proves otherwise.

We place great importance on the disappointing moments and pay less attention to the positive ones.

By focusing on the negative encounters with your partner, you’ll live your relationship assuming the worst, and you’ll probably get what you’re looking for. In other words, whatever you put your attention on will become your destiny.

You can actually change your mind. Start to steer your brain toward the positives by introducing some simple habits into your daily life.

This is how we rewire our brains, and it’s scientifically proven to help change the lens through which we interpret our world.

Consider experimenting with these solutions:

Give positive feedback to your partner about the things they did that day:

Actively look for the things your partner does that you appreciate and express your appreciation out loud regularly throughout the day.

Form a gratitude practice with your partner. At night before you go to sleep, take turns expressing three things you appreciated about each other that day.

“I appreciated you asking me what I needed in town before you came home.”

“I appreciated the way you handled the issue with the neighbors.”

“I appreciated you pulling me close to cuddle tonight while watching TV.”

When we point out what makes us feel cared for and loved, we’re not only training our brains to notice the positives, but we’re also training our partners by affirming their positive actions. (Yes, just like dog training!)

Become a positive Jedi

Get good at shifting from negative to positive. Think of this skill like a Jedi warrior. When you find yourself sinking into the dark world of complaint and disappointment, remind yourself that there’s a lighter, brighter world that’s just as (or even more) true. Look for the positives with Jedi-like precision.

As you work on this skill you’ll build the muscle of your positive intelligence, making it easier to shift from negative to positive with ease.

Seek resolution rather than sweeping conflict under the rug:

We’re particularly susceptible to selective memory if conflicts with our partner are left unresolved. Lack of resolution keeps a negative incident active in our brains.

Once an argument feels resolved, our brain files the event away as a memory, relieving us of ongoing rumination and the biases that are formed by keeping that negative event in the forefront of our memory.

Learn communication skills that lead you through conflict to resolution. This is the primary marker of a long-lasting happy relationship.

Since we’re the only ones in charge of creating our stories and forming our negative biases, why not consider adopting a positive bias? Assume the best of your partner.

With every single complaint, look for five expressions of appreciation. And note how this impacts your daily exchanges as well as your mental state.

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