Loving Your Inner Child: Exploring Attachment Styles

We are walking, talking, memory machines. We draw information from old memories and apply it to our present-day decisions. Every pleasure to which we’re drawn, every pain we avoid, every relationship dynamic or conflict pulls from these memories to guide our physical and emotional experiences in the present moment.

Interestingly, the memories that most impact our adult emotional state took place long ago, when challenging childhood experiences began to form our strategies for surviving in a dangerous world. Challenging childhood experiences shape our beliefs, behaviors, and emotional responses as well as how we perceive and interact with the world around us.

Here are some examples:

Emotional Regulation: Challenging childhood experiences can impact our ability to regulate our emotions, leading to difficulties managing stress, anxiety, or depression.

Self-Esteem: Our childhood experiences impact our self-esteem and sense of worth, which can impact our confidence and ability to pursue our goals in adulthood.

Cognitive Patterns: Negative childhood experiences can shape our thought patterns and lead to negative self-talk, limiting beliefs, and cognitive distortions that impact our mental health and overall well-being.

Coping Strategies: Challenging childhood experiences can impact the coping strategies we use to manage stress or emotional pain.

Unhealthy coping strategies, such as substance abuse or self-harm, can have lasting impacts on our lives.

Exploring attachment styles

Attachment styles in relationships refer to patterns of behavior and beliefs about intimacy and closeness that individuals develop based on their early experiences with caregivers. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.

Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to trust their partners.

They have positive views of themselves and their relationships, and they are generally able to communicate openly and resolve conflicts effectively. They feel secure in their relationships and can balance independence with closeness.

Examples:

“I feel comfortable expressing my needs and emotions to you, and I trust that you’ll be there for me when I need support.”

“Even when we have disagreements, I know that we can work through them together and come out stronger on the other side.”

“I feel secure when we’re apart, knowing that you love me and have my back.”

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often crave closeness and fear rejection from their partners. They may be overly sensitive to relationship dynamics, constantly seeking reassurance and validation. They may struggle with self-doubt and have difficulty trusting their partners, leading to a pattern of clinginess and dependence.

Examples:

“Do you still love me? I need constant reassurance that you won’t leave me, and I worry that you’ll find someone better.”

“I can’t stop thinking about us and whether we’re okay. Why haven’t you texted me back yet? Did I do something wrong?”

“I feel like I’m always the one reaching out and trying to keep our relationship going. Am I just not enough for you?”

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to value independence and self-reliance over emotional intimacy.

They may avoid closeness and vulnerability in relationships, preferring to maintain a sense of autonomy. They may downplay the importance of emotional connection and may struggle to express their feelings or needs to their partners.

Examples:

“I don’t need anyone else to make me happy. I’m fine on my own,

and I don’t want to feel tied down by anyone.”

“Why do you always want to talk about your feelings? Can’t we

just enjoy each other’s company without all this emotional stuff?”

“I need my space right now. Can’t you see that I need time to myself? I don’t want to feel smothered by your constant need for closeness.”

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style experience a combination of anxiety and avoidance in relationships.

They desire closeness but are also fearful of intimacy and potential rejection. They may oscillate between seeking connection and withdrawing from their partners, struggling to find a balance between their need for closeness and their fear of getting hurt.

Examples:

“I want to be close to you, but I’m afraid of getting hurt again. It’s easier for me to push you away than to risk getting hurt.”

“I’m torn between wanting to be with you and wanting to protect myself. I don’t know how to navigate this push-pull dynamic.”

“I feel like I’m always on edge in our relationship, never knowing if you’ll stay or leave. I want to trust you, but I’m afraid of getting my heart broken.”

Of course, these examples are simplified, and attachment styles can be more complex and nuanced. Attachment styles aren’t written in stone. Our inner child beliefs can change and grow based on new healing experiences and self-awareness.

When my clients are triggered, and feeling emotionally challenged, I encourage them to ask themselves, how would you speak to a child right now? What words would you use to calm them, reassure them, and support them? Now, use those same words to speak to your inner child. Give your inner child the secure love they may have been missing so long ago. We can change the painful past by offering ourselves loving-kindness and support in the present.

Comforting your inner child

No matter who you are today, how strong you feel as an adult, the child you once were with all their memories and wounds still lives inside of you. Comforting your inner child is a powerful way to address old wounds and heal from the past. Here are some steps for comforting your inner child when you feel triggered:

Identify the Trigger: The first step is to identify what’s triggering you in the present moment. This could be a situation, behavior, or comment from your partner that reminds you of a past trauma or emotional wound. If you find your emotions are much bigger than you’d expect in any given situation, you can trust that the pain is coming from your past.

Acknowledge Your Inner Child: Once you’ve identified the trigger, take a moment to acknowledge the emotions and needs of your inner child. This means recognizing that your current emotional response is a result of unhealed wounds from your past.

Practice Self-Compassion: Offer yourself compassion and kindness in the moment. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel triggered and that your emotions are valid. This can help you feel more grounded and present.

Use Self-Soothing Techniques: Find ways to soothe yourself in the moment. This could be via deep breathing, visualization of a preferred outcome from the past, or other mindfulness practices. You might also try journaling or talking to a trusted friend or therapist.

Reconnect with Your Inner Child: Finally, take time to connect with your inner child, and offer comfort and reassurance. See yourself as that child and offer the words of love and support you imagine they need to hear. You might also visualize your adult self holding and comforting your inner child.

Caring for your inner child takes practice and patience. If we hold judgment or blame toward ourselves as a child, it can be hard to face our own lack of self-love and self-worth as adults; yet inner child work can be a powerful way to improve our present-day relationship challenges, with ourselves and our partner.

Ultimately, the decision to engage in inner child work is a personal one. It’s important to approach this work with an open mind and heart, and to be gentle with yourself as you explore your past experiences and emotions.

As a clinical hypnotherapist, I have seen the power of suggestion turn a past negative outcome into one that feels healed and resolved. Our early experiences do not have to define the rest of our lives and relationships. It’s possible to heal from past trauma and difficulty. Take out an old photo of yourself when you were younger. Make friends with that beautiful child, and let them guide you in your path forward.

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