From Drought to Desire: Seven Steps Out of Inertia

No matter how dry your sex life is right now, there’s a path forward for you as a couple. Like anything in nature, change is constant; everything has an ebb and flow, an expansion and contraction, a rising and falling. Yet when it comes to sex and intimacy, ebbs and flows leave us feeling confounded and insecure.

If you asked 100 couples if they’ve ever been through a sexual drought, 90 percent of them would say “YES.” Children, travel, sickness, stress, distance, and hormones all play their part in reducing sexual frequency.

Based on this 90 percent statistic, you could almost say that it’s expected that in a long-term relationship sex will wane, at least for periods of time.

Why then do so many couples get broadsided when their sexual frequency drops off?

First, we equate a sexual drought with a broken relationship. Second, no one prepares us for it or gives us solid advice to move out of a drought.

When sex becomes very infrequent or nonexistent for periods of time, our fears and insecurities get the best of us. We build negative stories around our situation and imagine the worst. Next, we do what most of us do when it comes to sex: we don’t talk about it.

Our stories might be something like:

* My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore.

* My desires don’t matter.

* Sex goes away in most long-term relationships.

* My partner is interested in someone else.

* My partner doesn’t love me like that anymore.

These are devastating stories we tell ourselves, leaving us feeling hopeless, resentful, afraid, and unworthy.

Our internal negative stories fuel the emotional divide. Ironically, our stories erode the very intimacy and connection that lay the foundation for sex to happen. Unless we learn to talk about sex openly and honestly, without blame or projection, we can slip into sexual inertia.

And here’s the thing… Nature has an indisputable law when it comes to inertia, which is: Objects remains at rest, or in uniform motion in the same straight line, unless acted upon by some external force.

A sexual drought is a form of inertia, and unless some external force acts upon it, it will remain as is.

So you need to apply some external forces to shift this sexual inertia. The first and foremost external force is the simple act of acknowledgement.

A couple can sit down together and acknowledge that their sex life is in a state of inertia. They can then ask each other (and themselves) how they feel about that fact. Keep in mind that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to sexual frequency. If both partners are content with less sex, but enjoy it when it happens, then that’s the right frequency for them.

Every relationship is unique. If both partners agree that they want the frequency to change, this is the matter to explore. This is where you can come together as a team and share your thoughts, with one caveat: No blaming or finger pointing allowed!

Stay curious as to what derailed your sex life. Was it the birth of your second child? Was it family stress? Career pressure?

If the cause of inertia is related to the quality of sex rather than the quantity, then a different conversation needs to happen. (And this is where some coaching could help.) If you both agree that more frequent sex is important for your relationship, follow these seven steps:

Step 1: Acknowledge the origin of your shift in sexual frequency, and the reality that sexual inertia has set in. Remember the other 90 percent of couples just like you. You’re not alone and your relationship is not broken.

Step 2: Share your feelings about it without blaming your partner. For example, you could say, “I miss being with you sexually. I miss feeling close to you.” Or “I’d love to work together to make sex a priority in our lives again!” There are lots of loving, romantic, and appreciative ways to tell your partner you miss having sex with them. Let them hear it.

Step 3: Agree to re-approach sex gradually, if it’s been a bit of a hiatus. Start with nonsexual touching. Many couples end up avoiding any kind of touch, if they’re in a sexual drought. Connect in simple ways like walking arm-in-arm, dancing, or engaging in partner yoga. Exercise and breathe together. Rediscover your natural polarity.

Start to get intimate again with each other’s bodies, without any sexual goal, and enjoy the journey of sensual touch and massage to awaken desire. As you revisit sensual touching, agree that it won’t lead to sex. See what it feels like to take expectations off the table for now.

Step 4: Returning to sex after some time away can be awkward. Acknowledge that awkwardness might be part of your experience at first. Once you acknowledge it, it’s less intimidating and can even be humorous. Be patient as you both start to rediscover some ease and flow in your sexuality. Don’t worry, you’ll get there!

Step 5: Come to an agreement on your preferred sexual frequency. Remember, a willing, enthusiastic partner creates the kind of quality sex that makes up for quantity. If there’s a discrepancy in frequency, meet in the middle. Putting pressure on a partner to have sex with you is not sexy and fuels the divide.

Step 6: Make an agreement with each other that if you notice your sex life starting to dry up again, you’ll both acknowledge it and nip it in the bud while keeping these seven steps in mind. Don’t create stories that fuel your discontent! Talking honestly about sex can be as easy as talking about lunch. Let go of defensiveness and negative presumptions. Sex is a natural part of an intimate relationship that requires attention and awareness. Treat it that way.

Step 7: Going forward, prioritize sex by planning sex. Make a date and keep your promise to show up with full presence. Couples who plan their sex dates are far more likely to avoid the slippery slope back into a state of drought.

If sexual inertia is paying a visit, come together as a team and decide what external force you’re going to introduce in order to shift out of the state of rest and back into the state of play.

Most of us are having the same sex since we were in high school.

I coach couples in the kind of adult sex education that transforms sex lives. There’s so much more to learn about our pleasure and our partner’s pleasure.

Reach out if this kind of learning is what your relationship needs. I work on Zoom with couples from anywhere in the world.