Finding the Gifts in Conflict by Diving Below the Surface Tension

As we’ve learned in earlier chapters, no matter who you are or how happy you are in your relationship, you’re going to experience conflict.

Experiencing conflict in your relationship is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of wisdom: It’s simply a polarized dialogue between two people holding opposing positions. How we navigate this dialogue is determined by how skillful we are at moving through conflict as a couple.

The Saboteur mind versus the Sage mind

When it comes to our inner battles and moments of clarity, think of the “saboteur” as the nagging voice in your head, always pointing out flaws and holding you back.

The saboteur is your personal critic. Meanwhile the “sage” is your inner guru, offering you wise advice and nudging you toward positive choices and self-awareness.

This is the tussle we all suffer in our subjective experiences to one degree or another. When our inner Saboteur is present in a conflict, emotions easily escalate.

We create what is almost certainly a false story about our partner that’s full of judgment and blame. Our Saboteur knows exactly what to say to make us right and our partner wrong. Sometimes we realize something we’re about to say is damaging, but we say it anyway.

When our inner Sage is present in a conflict, we exercise our wisdom muscles and bring tools of understanding and curiosity to the conversation.

Our inner Sage listens more and reacts less. It seeks reconciliation and steps back from the heat of the moment, to ask some important questions, like the question why?

Make an agreement with your partner that you’ll ask each other ‘why?’ you’ve chosen your position in an argument — not in a demanding tone, but from a place of curiosity and a desire to understand.

Once they’ve answered, ask them again, Why is that? And again for a third time, ask them why. Why do they feel the way they do? Why is it important for them? Why?

Hearing the deeper ‘why’ behind our positions is often missed in a heated argument. If we’re in a triggered state, we jump over our underlying why’s and make defense and survival our primary focus.

We’re operating from our primal brain in that moment in an effort to survive attack. We want to be proven right and convert our partner to our perspective.

Going deeper into our curiosity enough to ask ‘why?’ three times helps to intercept our Saboteur’s fearful judgments and reveals the needs behind our partner’s position.

Asking why with the intention to really listen offers our partner a chance to reflect on their needs and the time to express themselves clearly. This process helps to awaken our empathy and step into our partner’s shoes.

Bypassing the pain of anger and finding resolution is a huge victory for a couple. Each victory builds the muscle memory of moving through disagreements quickly. The stronger those muscles become, the easier it is to find consensus and return to connection.

Rather than viewing conflict with a “grit your teeth and get through it” attitude, dig deeper and discover the gifts that can be found in conflict.

Gift #1 – Creating new patterns

With every conflict there’s an opportunity to grow in and return to connection. We learn to recognize when our inner saboteurs are front and center, escalating emotions and armoring ourselves against the pain of disconnection. Choosing to de-escalate a conflict is the first and most difficult step to take, but this choice becomes easier with every success. With every de-escalation, we strengthen new and healthy patterns of managing conflict.

Gift #2 – Deepening trust

If you move through conflict led by your Sage mind, you will deepen trust and connection with your partner. You’ll both begin to trust that conflict doesn’t have to rattle your core or threaten your relationship. It doesn’t have to pit one right person against one wrong person.

Your Sage mind understands that conflict is a stepping-stone to effective communication, listening, and finding a new shared position that acknowledges the underlying needs of both people.

Gift #3 – Getting to what’s true

Conflict offers us the opportunity to speak our truth. If we find disconnection scary, we will get into the habit of suppressing our words and our needs. Withholding our truth as a way to avoid disconnection only leads to resentment and more conflict down the line. Having opposing positions with our partner offers us the opportunity to practice our communication skills.

Learn to intercept your Saboteur in its familiar mode of reactivity and accusations and embrace your Sage mind — which is curious about your partner’s deeper “whys”.

Healthy relationships allow conflicts to arise. Skilled couples have the tools to intercept their Saboteurs and adopt a Sage mind in order to create new patterns, deepen trust, and express their truth.

Consider a current or recent conflict you’ve had with your partner and imagine how you both might replace the angry voice of your Saboteur with the wisdom of your Sage.

How would learning about your partner’s more vulnerable underlying needs quiet the judgmental voice of your inner Saboteur?

How would the conflict have progressed if each of your Sage minds took the time to ask “why” three times?

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