Chapter 9. The Turned-On Couple: Old Wounds

No matter how well we were parented, cared for, and protected, every one of us grew into adulthood carrying emotional wounds that caused us to form negative beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. (Read that sentence again!) Some of us were wounded in our family home; others were wounded (intentionally) by bullies on the playground, or wounded (unintentionally) by friends. Our trust may have been broken, or our self-confidence undermined.

Life is full of wounding experiences, and some of them leave indelible marks on our heart and psyche that continue to undermine our lives and relationships.

For many of us, this translates into insecurity about our competence and abilities. Maybe someone told us we weren’t good enough or made fun of our skillset as we worked at a task like creating art, or solving a math problem, running a race, or even sharing a joke. We may have felt unpopular and wondered if we were even likable.

Many people have a negative view of their bodies. We’re unsure if we’re physically desirable, or if our bodies work the same as those of other people. And then we get to our sexual preferences and wonder if our desires are “acceptable” or “normal.”

In other words, are we enough just as we are in order to be accepted and loved?

When two people form a relationship, two sets of wounds merge and intertwine — two sets of well-worn, entrenched wounds every couple will have to contend with if they’re going to form a lasting, loving, relationship. These combined wounds will inevitably play a lead role in our arguments. Our wounds will be exposed, poked at and prodded, at times by the very people we trust the most.

We know when old wounds are being dragged into a conflict because our pain and defensiveness suddenly spikes. If our partner speaks the same words or speaks in the same tone as our inner abuser, the armor will go up, and disagreements may escalate into shouting, tearful battles. The negative stories that arise in such times can be reduced to two universal beliefs: “I’m not good enough” and “You don’t love me.”

Relationship partners have the power to hurt one another by opening old wounds, they also have the power to heal by tending to those wounds.

Here are three things you can practice to gain insight into your partner’s wounds and initiate a healing process:

1. Sit down together when you’re both feeling calm and talk about which old wounds hold you back in love and life.

Ask your partner to share the story behind one of their early wounds. What happened? How did it make them feel?

When old wounds are activated, you may feel:

* disrespected,

* alone and lonely,

* excluded,

* judged and misunderstood,

* bullied,

* abandoned,

* attacked and afraid,

* guilty and regretful.

What is the negative inner dialogue or belief that comes from that incident?

* I can’t trust anyone to be there for me.

* I’m not smart enough.

* I’m not attractive enough.

* The world is not a safe place.

* People will hurt me or leave me.

* I’m not worthy of love.

Remember, most of our deepest inner wounds were experienced when we were young. They don’t necessarily make sense today. The negative story could even sound silly or embarrassing to admit. By speaking our stories out loud, and confessing the origin of our wounds, we help to objectify them and see them for what they are: old stories and beliefs that no longer protect or serve us.

2. Ask your partner to consider how these wounded beliefs get triggered in your present day conflicts.

Ask questions that help your partner gain insight into their emotional triggers that stem from old wounds. By better understanding the fears and needs of our partner’s younger self, we can avoid poking their wounds and escalating disagreements.

3. Make an agreement to help heal each other’s wounds with words and actions that serve as a healing balm.

What can you do as loving partners to help each other rewrite that old story? You can help your partner rewrite their old, negative stories by using words and phrases that counter their beliefs.

The more you understand the nature of your partner’s wounds, the more specific you can be when delivering the right words and phrases to counter their inner dialogue and heal the pain from past events.

Here are some general themes and phrases to give you ideas about helpful things to say:

When they feel insecure about their competence:

* “I know you can do it.”

* “I admire so many of your skills.”

* “I love how capable you are.”

When they’re insecure about their body:

* “You look beautiful tonight.”

* “You’re perfect to me, just the way you are.”

* “I’m so attracted to you.”

When they’re insecure about their identity or personality:

* “I respect your values.”

* “You don’t have to be like anyone else. You’re perfect right now.”

* “You’re so funny. I love your sense of humor.”

When they’re insecure about abandonment during conflict:

* “I’ll never threaten to leave the relationship in a heated moment.”

* “I’m taking a time-out, but I’ll be back in 30 minutes to connect and

* talk.”

* “Even if we disagree about something, you come first in my life.”

Supportive phrases that build our partner up can get lost in our busy day-to-day lives together.

Don’t assume your partner doesn’t need to hear words that soothe their insecurities. This is love in action — the sacred potential and purpose of every intimate relationship.

Dear readers, If my writing adds value to your life and relationship please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Your support of $5 a month makes it possible for me to serve you with advice and inspiration. Gratefully. Corinne