Chapter 8. The Turned-On Couple: I Don't Want to Talk About It.

Having coached many couples over the years I hope I’ve earned the right to make a few broad generalizations based on my exposure to many, many relationships. For my purpose here, I’ll stick with woman/man pronouns, but keep in mind this also applies to any relationship with a masculine/feminine polarity, regardless of gender.

Consider these two statements:

Men don’t want to talk about their feelings.

Women don’t want to talk about sex.

What an interesting conundrum. Let’s look at how this might play out.

Here’s a client’s account of a conversation they had with their partner that illustrates this dynamic. Beneath every statement is a “thought bubble” in italics that reveals what was hidden behind the words.

Does this exchange sound familiar to you?

Her: How are you doing?

What is he thinking? Why does he feel distant? I wish he’d talk to me.

Him: I’m good. (pause) Why? (suspicious)

What does she want? What am I doing wrong?

Her: Just checking in. I was feeling a little disconnected from you today.

Why is he getting defensive? Can’t I ask a simple question?

Him: I’ve spent the whole day with you. I don’t understand what you need from me right now.

I’ll never be enough for her. She wants too much.

Her: (frustration) I’m just saying, I want to feel close to you.

I knew something was wrong. Is he mad at me?

Him: Well, I’m not feeling much affection coming from your end either. We haven’t had sex in three weeks.

There, I said it! How can she want me to open up, when she never opens up to me.

Her: Is that all you ever think about? I’m not talking about sex right now.

God! Sex is the only thing that matters to him.

Him: You never want to talk about sex.

I’m not going to share my feelings with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me.

Her: (in resignation) Never mind.

I’m not going to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to

share his feelings with me.

Most of us have had conversations like this one at some point. You both want to feel more intimate, but you’re traveling down two different roads trying to get there. He’s on the physical road, and she’s on the emotional road.

Here are two more truths in our society that contribute to this confusing conundrum:

1. Boys are raised to keep their feelings to themselves. They’re encouraged to internalize their more vulnerable emotions for fear of not appearing strong. If they cry on the playground, it’s a sign of weakness.

If boys open up about their fears, their peers may shame them. If boys aren’t taught how to talk about their feelings, conversations about feelings become foreign territory.

2. Girls are raised to say no to sex. Girls are taught that sex can be dangerous, and potentially ruin your life! They’re warned about getting pregnant or acquiring STDs. If they’re a “yes to sex” type they might be labeled a slut or be sexualized and used by men. By the time girls reach the age of becoming sexual, they’ve been indoctrinated into suppressing their desire and sexuality.

Ergo, boys grow into men who aren’t comfortable talking about their feelings, and girls grow into women who don’t feel comfortable talking about sex. So, what do we all need in order to engage with challenging conversations about feelings and sex? We need to feel safe to express what’s true for us. In order to feel it’s safe to be honest, we need to feel safe from judgment and reactivity.

If a man finds it challenging to open up about his feelings, he’ll look for signs that he’s safe to do so. Some of those signs might be that his partner;

* doesn’t criticize or downplay his feelings;

* listens attentively and empathetically;

* accepts that it’s not easy for him to open up;

* doesn’t try to fix his problem or offer solutions; and

* offers an invitation to share, rather than a demand to talk.

If a woman finds it challenging to open up about sex, she’ll look for signs it’s safe to do so.

Some of those signs might be that her partner;

* expresses curiosity about her thoughts on sex, rather than blame or judgment for having trouble opening up about the subject.

* listens to her desires without withdrawing or feeling criticized;

* accepts their sexual differences, and is optimistic about finding

common ground;

* doesn’t attach a conversation about sex to an expectation that

it’ll lead to sex; and

* guides with open-ended questions about sex while practicing

patience and respect.

Ask yourself: How comfortable do you make it for your partner to open up and share themselves in conversations they find challenging?

We all have room for improvement, and it’s never too late to start creating new patterns of communication based on honesty, acceptance and trust. Yes, men and women are different, but the beauty is found in the interplay of those differences. Just as the ancient Yin-yang symbol illustrates,seemingly opposing differences unite to create a perfect symbiosis of balance and polarity.

Here’s the simplest, most concise way I can muster to explain the symbiotic flow of intimacy in the masculine/feminine dynamic: I’ve broken it down into 5 distinct causes and effects. This applies to any gendered relationship that has a masculine and feminine polarity.

* When a man shares his more vulnerable feelings, a woman feels connected to him emotionally.

* When a woman feels emotionally connected to her partner, she’s able to let go and connect to her own desire and arousal.

* When a man feels his partner’s desire and arousal, he feels connected to his erotic confidence and sexual mastery.

* When a woman feels her partner’s erotic confidence, her desire for him deepens.

* When a man feels confident and desired by his partner, he feels emotionally bonded to her and therefore safe to share himself more openly.

And around we go in this beautiful cause-and-effect dance of sex and intimacy. Women want to emotionally connect in order to feel their desire. Men want to feel desired in order to emotionally connect.

In conclusion, when a couple learns to embrace challenging conversations and acknowledge their differences, they learn to bend in their partner’s direction. This helps them meet each other’s needs by recognizing the interplay of opposites that combine in the lovers’ dance.

Dance Me to the End of Love by Leonard Cohen, for your listening pleasure. :)

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