Chapter 7. Vulnerability: The Prerequisite to Intimacy.

“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of the human experience.”

— Brene Brown

My coaching couples lead busy lives. Most have to really juggle their schedules to find time to be alone and share much needed intimate time together. They’re very effective in getting things done, building careers, organizing kids, and planning life, but somehow these things don’t translate into vulnerability, which can’t be slotted into a busy day or simply added to a “to-do” list. There’s more to vulerability than running a meeting or throwing a dinner party.

When couples come to see me about love and intimacy, they sit down to have one of the bravest conversations they can have as a couple. I appreciate how challenging it is to hear our partner’s dissatisfaction or unmet desires. We’re not comfortable hearing about our partner’s pain. Rather than listening with a desire to understand, we might want to bypass the hard stuff and move directly into “fixing” and “solving.”

We hold tight onto our armor and use whatever strategies we’ve developed to deflect (what feel like) arrows coming our way. Anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal — are all strategies we use to fend off what we fear the most: becoming vulnerable and laying down our shields.

Vulnerability is reached when we dig down below emotions like anger, blame, judgment, and any other reaction that protects our position of victimhood. When we’re vulnerable we take ownership of our feelings and accept responsibility for our reactions to life. Vulnerability is a gift that descends upon us when we stop pretending to have it all together and admit to our human flaws and fragility. It’s a gift we give to ourselves and our partner, because it shifts our state from one of closed-off superficiality, to one of feeling and deep sharing.

When one partner in a couple opens the door to vulnerability, they create space for their partner to join them there, and it’s in that space of shared vulnerability that hearts connect and intimacy is experienced. Vulnerability is a prerequisite to love, intimacy and connected sex. Without it, our relationships skim the surface and stagnate.

Vulnerability and trust

Before we allow ourselves to become vulnerable, we first need to trust that our partner will attune to our feelings and help us feel safe. There are ways to support your partner in their vulnerability:

* Talk less and listen more to what our partner is expressing.

* Not try to fix them or solve their problem in the moment.

* Ask open-ended questions to help them express themselves

fully.

* Be judgment free, even if you don’t share their perspective.

* Empathize with words or body language of support.

* Accept that they have a right to feel what they’re feeling.

Every time we show up for our partner in their vulnerable moments, trust is built. Our partner learns from experience that it’s safe to be vulnerable with us, that they’ll be heard, and that their truth will be honored.

Vulnerability is sexy. When we open up sexually and let our partner not only into our bodies, but into our hearts, fears, desires, insecurities, we build real intimacy. We also build real intimacy when we risk asking for what we want, take the chance of being seen as less than perfect or let ourselves go into orgasmic pleasure. In our vulnerability we experience the kind of sexual intimacy that’s rarely represented in porn or media. Vulnerability is the foundation to great, mind-blowing sex. That’s a fact!

If a couple loses their ability to be vulnerable with each other, sex becomes functional or transactional. We go through the motions, feeling disconnected, unmet, and emotionally unfulfilled. Disconnected sex leads to loss of interest and desire, which is the number one reason most couples seek out sex and intimacy coaching. Here are some of the approaches my couples have found helpful in supporting vulnerability:

* Share about your day from a feeling rather than a doing perspective.

* Practice radical honesty from a place of love.

* Admit when you’ve made a mistake.

* Ask for what you want simply and clearly.

* Confess disappointment without blaming.

* Experiment with keeping your eyes open during sex or making out.

* Show your vulnerable feelings. Don’t be afraid to cry.

* Be curious about your partner’s experience.

* Ask questions that lead to vulnerable conversations.

If we think of our relationship as a garden, imagine vulnerability as one of the ingredients needed to keep your plants growing strong and bearing fruit. Tend to your garden daily with deep watering that sinks down into the roots. Deep feelings and deep sharing will nurture deep love and desire.

If you’re interested in knowing how couples coaching can awaken deeper intimacy and a more fulfilling sexual connection, reach out. There’s no greater investment you can make in your happiness both in love and life.

Buy your own copy of The Turned-On Couple and use it to guide you through conversations that touch on every aspect of your relationship from love to passion and pleasure.