Chapter 5. Feelings... Woah-oh-oh Feelings... Nature or Nurture?

Once again, I’m inspired to write about a topic raised by more than a few of my coaching clients: the “F” word. The word that makes some of us open up, wanting more, and makes others close down, running in the opposite direction. The word is “feelings.”

🎶 🎶 “Feelings, nothing more than feelings, trying to forget my feelings of love...” 🎶 🎶

If you know this song, you’re probably over fifty. I remember listening to this song on the radio as a teen. They played it endlessly until we were all parodying it. Back then I thought it was pretty sappy, but Albert Morris was a man brave enough to sing about lost love, tears rolling down his face, and his (pre-EMO) feelings.

These days we’ve all been driven deep into our feelings about the world at large, politics, uncertainty, differences, all of which impacts our home life. If we’re in a relationship, we turn to our partner to listen to our feelings and share what’s in our hearts, but sharing our feelings is not always easy depending on our upbringing and in many cases, gender.

I’m going to generalize about male/female genders here and preface matters by saying I don’t like gender clichés, but I have also listened to many of my female clients over the years repeat the same frustration with their male partner’s inability to share their feelings, so let’s talk about it.

Men in our society are not raised to talk about their feelings. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have them. We’re all human beings and we all have feelings. The difference in genders has a lot to do with how we’re raised.

When a little girl falls and scrapes her knee, she’s comforted, and allowed to cry; she’s held and receives sympathy. She’s encouraged to express her feelings in the safety of an accepting, empathetic caregiver.

But when a little boy hurts himself, it’s all, “Come on son! Get up! Shake it off! No need for tears. It’s hardly a scratch!” from the adults around them. And their peers support that with name calling like “sissy” and “baby.”

What we’re saying to that little boy is, in fact, that their feelings are wrong. They’re overacting and being too dramatic. What they hear is that their feelings are best kept hidden for fear of being ridiculed and shamed.

This is where the shaming begins, and it continues throughout every part of a boy’s life. We want our boys to be strong, but we make the horrible mistake of associating the suppression of feelings with strength and the display of vulnerability with weakness.

We set up our boys to grow into men who are unable to access their feelings. Their emotional intelligence becomes limited because of our cultural discomfort with male vulnerability.

Women are trained to express their feelings. We huddle in the playground to talk about boys, we pour our feelings into our diaries, and we watch our mothers chat with their friends for hours. We learn how to be vulnerable even when it’s uncomfortable for fear of being shunned in our sharing circles. We learn to hold space for sad friends. It’s safe for us to cry over a movie or a heartbreak.

When we bring these alternatively trained, emotionally-suppressed men into relationships with women trained to share their feelings, the massive disconnect can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and relationship breakups.

Women enter a relationship looking for the kind of emotional sharing they got from their female friends; men come in with a desire to be seen as a strong and reliable protector (who won’t fall to pieces if he falls down and scrapes his knee).

Emotional suppression leads to relationship problems, and often to depression (recognized now as unexpressed feelings of sadness).

Is it any wonder that our world is filled with anger and violence in and out of the home?

It’s not the fault of the boys, or the men they grow up to be. Relationships create an opportunity for healing to occur, when couples learn to bridge the feelings gap' between men and women.

Practical solutions

What I’m going to suggest can be applied to any emotional disconnect regardless of gender. If you’re going to invite your partner to open up and talk about their feelings, it behooves you to create a safe place for them to do that. By safety I mean a conversational space where they can trust that they won’t be shut down, belittled, criticized, made light of or talked out of what they’re feeling.

You can lay the ground rules for sharing feelings:

* Feelings are not accusations, finger pointing, or blaming.

* Your feelings are your responsibility.

* Your feelings are about you, not anyone else.

* No one can “make” you feel a certain way.

* Feelings are inherently vulnerable.

Angry feelings are always an overlay for a feeling that’s harder to express and a need that’s not being met. Dig deeper.

In order for your partner to share their feelings, they need to trust that it’s safe to do so, and trust isn’t built in one conversation. It’s built over time with many little experiences in which their feelings are welcomed.

Feelings are not a flat tire, or anything broken that needs to be fixed. If you’re listening to your partner share their feelings and all the while you’re thinking about how you can fix it (so they no longer have to experience those feelings), you’re missing the opportunity to build trust.

These approaches will diminish trust:

* You jump in with your own story about having those feelings.

* You secretly discount the impact of those feelings on your

partner.

* You build an argument to defend yourself or counter your

partner’s feelings with your own.

* You use your partner’s confessions against them in the future,

thereby confirming that it’s not safe to be honest.

* You criticize your partner for not sharing their feelings, thereby

training them to avoid the topic.

Building trust with your partner in a way that makes them safe in the feelings department is actually quite simple. It mostly requires listening until they’re done, and offering empathetic statements, like “It must be hard to feel that,” “I understand what you’re saying and why you’d feel that way.”

That’s it!

Give them the time it takes them to express what they want to say. If you’re not sure if more needs to be said, you can ask, “Is there anything else you’d like to say about that?” And then wait.

Sometimes a patient, sympathetic question can open another door for your partner to explore. If the conversation ends with “I think that’s all I need to say about that” then you know it’s ok to change the subject and honor that they’ve met their capacity in that moment. Let them hear your appreciation and acceptance.

“Thank you for sharing all that,” is a useful phrase that translates as, “I love you. I respect you.”

By seeing the positive results of their efforts, your partner will begin to associate the sharing of feelings with the reward of appreciation rather than ridicule and shaming.

Fixes, shared experiences, helpful suggestions can all come later. For now, you’ve met your partner’s feelings with respect, and you’ve helped build more trust that their feelings are safe with you in the future.

In conclusion, create the time and space for your partner’s soft vulnerable feelings such as fear, sadness, or grief; allow them to express their feelings before they become hardened expressions of anger, depression, and withdrawal.

Behind every man (and woman) raised to become the “strong silent type” there’s a small boy (or girl) who believes that being vulnerable is weak and dangerous.

Here is Albert Morris himself singing Feelings (for your listening pleasure :)

🎶 🎶 “Feelings... Woah-oh-oh Feelings... Woah-oh-oh feelings... again in my heart...” 🎶 🎶

I’m currently taking on a few new clients. If you are interested in learning more about relationship and intimacy coaching, let’s talk about what that might look like in your relationship.

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