Chapter 3: Your Most Important Threesome: Ten Ways to Nurture Your Relationship Back to Health.

You might think that having a threesome would be exciting, but the truth is, you’re already in a “threesome.” There’s you, your partner, and your relationship.

When we begin to view our relationship as the third in our threesome, it’s easier to see how we are either feeding it with attention and nurturing care or literally ignoring it to death.

It’s not uncommon for couples to live busy, high-functioning lives, while the third in their threesome feels depressed and neglected. Have you checked in on your relationship lately? Have you taken its temperature, observed its skin tone, its energy level, and its mental health? Is it getting the kind of nurturing it needs to grow and deepen? Or is it wondering if it’s worth the energy to stick around?

The entity we call “relationship” follows us wherever we go. It’s in the car on our errands together. It’s in the bed with us at night. It’s at the breakfast table. And yet, we somehow manage to ignore it, taking for granted that it’s going to be there when we finally find the time to engage with it.

Our attention is pulled in other directions. We’re drawn to louder, flashier intruders that make their way into our living rooms like news feeds, social media and entertainment. The world is frantically fighting for our attention, while our relationship sits stoically in the corner of the room feeling defeated and starved.

Ask yourself: If your relationship could sit down and talk with the two of you, what would it have to say? Is it having a good time, or is it feeling bored and unappreciated?

When a couple begins coaching, they usually see that their relationship looks a little frail, because it’s not getting the nutrients to grow and thrive. Part of a couple’s work together is to nurse their relationship back to health, and learn how to feed it with a daily diet of attention, presence, desire and commitment.

* For some couples, feeding their relationship might start with as simple a gesture as holding hands when they go for a walk.

* For others it might be sitting down at the end of their day to check in and share their feelings about things.

* It might be planning weekly date nights that are more than the usual “same old, same old.”

Small daily gestures are the most powerful ways to sustain the health and wellness of your relationship.

Here’s a new diet to strengthen your relationship, and bring your full attention back to the very important third in your threesome:

* Take turns creating mystery dates for each other regularly.

Initiate new experiences together. It doesn’t have to be expensive or exotic, but when one person takes charge of the date by planning it, preparing for it, and keeping it a secret from the other, it creates anticipation and mystery, and it sets the scene for some focused quality time together (i.e., with your “relationship”). Check out your local area for some fun activities or grab a basket and a blanket and find a secluded spot to kick back. (And leave your phones in the car!)

* Be willing to be happy, rather than be right. There are probably numerous times a day when you could make the choice to be more agreeable when you feel a conflict arising, when you could say something kind and affirming, rather than critical. Look for those moments when the choice is yours to exercise your conciliatory nature and go the extra mile.

* Take interest in how your partner feels. Make time each day to check in and show your interest in how your partner is doing. Take your partner by the hand, sit them down, and create the space for them to let go and open up. It sounds simple and maybe obvious, but a busy life can easily suck all our energy, leaving very little left over to say, “Hey, how are you? I care about what’s happening in your heart.”

* Acknowledge your partner when they make an extra effort.

When we’re generous with our praise and point out the things that make us happy, we affirm that action in our partner, and return the gesture with our appreciation. If that sounds a bit like dog training, it’s because it is! Couples do behavioral training with each other all the time. Instead of using punishment, fill your pockets with treats. It goes so much further!

* Laugh together. Whether it’s coming from your naturally keen wit or a favorite standup routine, find ways to laugh out loud together, and counter the seriousness of life that can pull your energy down. Actively look for things that might put a smile on your partner’s face. Nominate yourself as the ambassador of humor and regularly feed your relationship some fresh belly laughs.

* Get physical. Cuddle, dance, wrestle, make love, massage, learn partner yoga — whatever physical activity brings your bodies together. Use your bodies to connect and bond. Get your limbic systems near each other and let your brain chemistry do its thing. It’s nature’s antidepressant.

* Extended hugging. The practice of extended hugging is simple. Once or twice a day, when you come in for a hug, agree to hang onto each other for 20 seconds. You’ll get a good hit of oxytocin, your cortisol levels will drop, and you’ll remember there’s immense refuge to be found in the arms of someone who loves you.

* Show desire. It’s easier to feel desired than to show desire. How good are you at making your partner feel desired? Do you show your desire, or keep it hidden? Be vulnerable enough to show your desire, flirt, tease, compliment your partner, and show them that you find them attractive. Showing desire doesn’t always have to lead to sex. Let desire out to play and enjoy the energy exchange for its own sake.

* Talk about sex openly and honestly. When couples learn how to talk about sex from a place of curiosity and playfulness, they realize that sex talk can be fun. Talk about what you like and want more of. Talk about sex after you have sex, and share your highlights. If sex has become boring, you know it’s time to start growing again.

* Become a student of love. Exercise compassion, empathy, and forgiveness on a regular basis. Even the healthiest relationship has its challenges. Learn to take the higher road. Let go of grudges. Step into your partner’s shoes. Be willing to say, “I’m sorry.” All these things demonstrate your ability to love. Never stop learning how to love better.

When you start to nurture your relationship with this new daily menu. You’ll start to see the benefits almost immediately. It will show in the smile on your partner’s face when they see you. It’ll show in the lack of small conflicts that formerly ate away at intimacy. It’ll show in your partner’s intimate invitations. It’ll show in your partner’s look of love from across the table, for no apparent reason.

Before your relationship heads out the door looking for another couple to join up with, sit down as a threesome and assure your relationship that from now on, you’re going to listen to its needs, make it feel special, and prioritize time together. Follow this simple diet and ensure your threesome lasts a lifetime!

and finally…

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