Chapter 2: Loving in Cruise Control: How to Shift Your Relationship Back into Manual

You’re driving down the freeway, starting out on a multi-hour road trip. At the beginning it’s important to pay attention to a lot of information.

The details include where you’re headed and how to get there, easy access to things like water or a snack. You set your preferred temperature. You tune into your favorite podcast or music.

You pay close attention to the road as you move through congested traffic, but once you’re on the straight and narrow, you start to relax, perhaps moving from the fast lane to the middle, where there’s less pressure to pass. You prefer a speed that’s within the limit and feels safe.

Finally, you shift the car into cruise control. You can sit back, zone out and take your mind off the details of driving.

If we’re honest with ourselves, we know when we’ve put our relationship into cruise control. In fact, many couples I see feel like they’ve been in cruise control for years!

We’re together with our partner day in and day out. Each week looks the same as the last. The passing scenery isn’t changing. We’re not even sure of our destination anymore! We just go along, without having much impact on the trip’s progression. We’ve become passive passengers in our relationship, cruising in automatic.

Here and there we notice road signs, urging us to pay attention:

Warning: Loss of sex and intimacy for the next 5 miles (years)!

Warning: Sharp words and impatience around next corner!

Warning: Slippery silences and suppressed emotions ahead!

What are the consequences of no longer trying our best, or just getting lazy behind the wheel? We start ignoring the warning signs that are passing us by.