Chapter 11. The Turned-On Couple: Criticism: It’s You, Not Me!

Renowned psychologists, John and Julie Gottman have made significant contributions to the field of couples therapy and relationship research.

One of their contributions is the model known as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” to describe communication patterns that can predict the end of a relationship. That’s right, based on years of research with thousands of couples, we can predict which relationships will end based on four toxic behaviors.

They are:

Criticism

Contempt

Stonewalling

Defensiveness

Statistics speak volumes when it comes to relationships so let’s dive into the First Horseman:

Criticism

Safety is a fundamental requirement in building healthy relationships. We want to feel our partner has our back, understands, supports, and wants the best for us. We hope for trust, communication, generosity, cooperation, sexuality, affection, attention, and humor – all of which require that we feel safe with our partner (emotionally, physically, and spiritually). However, when a couple allows criticism to seep into their communication, they can become domestic adversaries either bracing for the next painful exchange or healing from yesterday’s wounds.

Identifying signs of criticism

Criticism is not complaining. We can complain about a situation; we can complain about something we’d like to change. Complaining turns to criticism when we blame our partner for our troubles, more specifically, when we blame and label our partner’s personal traits as being wrong or bad.

Here’s an example of a simple complaint that rolls into criticism.

Nora: “Adam, you forgot to take out the trash in time for garbage day again.” Adam: “Yup, I missed this week.”

Nora: “You’re so forgetful and lazy. You never remember to do anything around the house!”

Adam: “You’re a nag. You obsess about all the things I do wrong. You never appreciate anything I do around here.” Their communication about the trash escalated quickly from facts to criticism and ended in anger.

The issue of the trash wasn’t resolved with an agreement of how to avoid missing garbage day again, but went straight to accusations leaving them both feeling hurt and defensive. This pattern of criticism will erode an emotional connection and threaten a relationship over time.

If you’re triggered and your statements start with words like, “You always…”, or “You never…”, then you’re resorting to criticism. If you label your partner by using negative words like lazy, irresponsible, stupid, flaky, hysterical, or controlling, you’re resorting to criticism.

If a person regularly hears negative comments attacking their character, it will affect their self-worth, which can lead to resentment, anger and contempt. They’ll feel attacked, judged, and insecure in the relationship, provoking them to either fight back with their own criticism or withdraw emotionally from the relationship.

Ongoing criticism lowers their overall self-esteem and increases defensiveness, making communication and problem-solving difficult. This cycle of negativity inevitably ends with the criticized person feeling attacked and the criticizer feeling unheard.

Stepping out of this escalation takes some skill and awareness. Most of all, it requires practice.

Two steps to end critical conflict:

1. Lay Down Your Weapons

Make an agreement with your partner that if either of you catch criticism being used as a weapon in your disagreements, one or both of you can call it out and lay your weapons down. Take some steps to back out of the battle and shift to a more constructive way of expressing your frustration.

If emotions are ramped up, de-escalate by calling for a “time-out” until you feel calmer. Taking a time-out doesn’t mean sweeping it under the rug and never talking about it again, however. Agree on how much time you both need. Maybe that’s five minutes? Or an hour? If you call for the time-out, you need to be the person who comes back and moves the conversation forward.

Start with what you’re feeling (e.g., confused, lonely, sad, frustrated). Name it and don’t blame your partner for making you feel that way.

Use “I” statements rather than assigning blame. Take turns identifying the need your partner has that’s not being met in this situation. Don’t assume you’re getting it right. Ask them and listen until you do get it right.

You must each take responsibility for contributing to the escalation. Most importantly, agree on an action you can both take going forward to avoid repeating the same conflict. Get on the same team to solve the problem and find solutions before the conversation ends.

2. Nip It in The Bud

Once you get good at identifying the signs of criticism, you can nip it in the bud before it builds into a battle. Did the critical words already leave your mouth? Ask for a redo. Nothing stops conflict in its tracks quicker than someone catching themselves and asking for that.

Approach the conversation again from a better mindset and rephrase your complaint without attacking your partner’s character or shortcomings.

And remember, even in the midst of a heated argument, there’s still a deep yearning for connection.

If you or your partner use criticism to communicate dissatisfaction or frustration with each other, take it seriously. Your partner is your teammate. Come together and make this your number one relationship priority.

In Chapter 12 you’ll learn about Horseman #2, Contempt: Crossing the Line into Toxic Communication.

Every relationship dynamic is unique. If you want to learn more about working with me privately as your relationship and intimacy coach, let’s talk.

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