Addicted to Love: Hormonal Cocktails That Keep Us Coming Back For More

Your lights are on, but you’re not home

Your mind is not your own

Your heart sweats, your body shakes

Another kiss is what it takes

You can’t sleep, you can’t eat

There’s no doubt, you’re in deep

Your throat is tight, you can’t breathe

Another kiss is all you need

— Robert Palmer, You’re Addicted to Love

Ask most couples about the early stages of their relationship, and they’ll remember the ease they experienced around sex and intimacy.

They’ll stare off into space with memories of testosterone-driven lust and estrogen-flooded seduction. They may remember how the initial feelings of lust began to grow into romantic longing and preoccupation as their bodies started producing more dopamine and norepinephrine.

At some point, usually between three and fifteen months, the intoxication of new relationship energy (NRE) begins to shift from high levels of passion to attachment. Oxytocin, the love hormone, then starts to lay the foundation for the security of long-term partnership.

Understanding the biology of sex and intimacy helps explain why couples often ask, “How do we get the passion back into our sex lives? Why don’t we feel the way we used to?”

That’s nature for you!

We’re made to reproduce, and our bodies know exactly what hormones support that undeniable human drive. If you want to re-ignite that NRE, take charge and stimulate the hormones that got you there in the first place.

Here are the building blocks that will produce a cocktail of hormones to support deep connection and a vibrant sex life:

The Relationship Glue of Oxytocin

Oxytocin fuels our desire to bond with our partners. It creates the romance of “you and me against the world.” Love notes, kisses in the kitchen, long hugs, hand-holding, and cuddling lead to trust and goodwill between partners.

Oxytocin sets the stage for expressions of love that make partners receptive and vulnerable with each other. Feelings of attachment get us through the rough spots. Oxytocin keeps us steady and invested in each other’s happiness.

I Want to Make Serotonin With You

Dedicate some of your time together to manufacturing some serotonin.

You do this by getting vulnerable and sharing your feelings with one another. Step out of the day-to-day chit-chat about the details of living and dig a little deeper.

Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about your relationship. Ask them to share what ways you can be a better partner to them. This is a simple question that can initiate some profound conversations. Be open to hearing what your partner has to say without defense, and help them feel safe enough to be honest.

Caring and being cared for reinforces your bond and your sense that your partner has your back. This experience of secure attachment in a relationship brings a sense of harmony to every other part of life.

If your partner can count on you supplying them with a hit of serotonin whenever you’re together, that will stimulate their reward centers. Give them some heartfelt communication on a regular basis and watch what happens.

Looking for Something New on Dopamine

You can create dopamine in your body by doing new things together; sharing new experiences, new places, trips, and (yes) hotel rooms.

When I ask a couple to recall a fulfilling sexual memory they have together, it will often involve a hotel room.

They stepped out of the familiar bedroom, family routine, daily tasks – basically a life you can walk through with your eyes closed because you know it so well. Suddenly the sexual desire they’d been missing started flowing again. They started to see their partner through the eyes of the Goddess dopamine.

As we all know, sex in a long-term partnership can easily become painfully predictable. That’s why I created a program that outlines 186 erotic activities from sensual to kinky in my e-course Your Erotic Menu.

If you want more variety in your sexual and sensual life, go to Your Erotic Menu online to see all the options you and your partner can explore. It’s currently a free course, so enjoy a trip into 6 sexual styles and learn how to talk to your partner about your interests and desires.

Getting High on Endorphins

Our bodies produce an interesting cocktail of hormones when we challenge ourselves physically. Adrenaline, endorphins, and testosterone all get a boost from any type of physical adventure or challenge.

Aerobic workouts, dancing, hiking, biking, and any other kind exercise have all been shown to increase circulation, blood flow, and lubrication, three factors involved in heightened sexual desire.

Set an adventure date with your partner. Hit the road or paddle the white waters. Whatever your bodies are up for, use them, and experience the aphrodisiac effects of endorphins

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Waking Up with Norepinephrine

Couples are often under the impression that there’s nothing they don’t know about their partner. We’ve all heard the expression “familiarity breeds contempt.”

While we may not be feeling contempt for our partner, we can take our partner for granted and end up assuming we know everything there is to know about them.

Seeing our partners as individuals outside of the relationship wakes us up to their autonomy, which is associated with a sense of mystery. With mystery comes uncertainty, and with uncertainty comes excitement.

Norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter that enhance feelings of excitement. Do you remember the early stages of falling in love when you felt giddy, euphoric, and wired? Your brain and body felt alive with heightened arousal, making the connection with your partner feel uniquely special.

When our bodies produce norepinephrine, our partner feels new to us. We become intrigued again and refreshed in our view of them. The same person with whom we share a bed every night suddenly feels mysterious to us.

In order to maintain mystery in a long-term relationship, you want an ongoing balance of attachment and independence, bonding and autonomy.

Too much of either will tilt the scale away from desire. Too much distance, and we lose our sense of bonding. Never spending time apart from each other will send you into the roommate zone.

Find ways of taking space and doing your own thing. See friends, enjoy a solo excursion, or start a new hobby that engages you. Differentiate yourself from your partner in healthy ways and enjoy a little norepinephrine wake-up call next time you see your partner with fresh eyes from across a crowded room. :)

Romantic attachment is important in building trust and safety, but creating a healthy sense of autonomy from your partner is the necessary ingredient to wake from the slumber of familiarity.

Remember this the next time you’re taking some healthy space from your partner - The tide can’t come enthusiastically flooding back to shore if it never retreats in the first place. Catch my drift?

If you forget what it’s like to be addicted to love, your brain is your drug dealer. All the love drugs you ever need are at your disposal, if you know how to access them.

Here’s a link to Robert Palmer singing about love addiction in 1986. He died too young.

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