#112: Getting Over Your Partner’s Past (And How to Stop Throwing It in Their Face)

In this candid episode, Alicia gets real about something most stepmoms won’t say out loud: you want to be over your partner’s past… but reminders keep ambushing you—kids’ faces, old photos, in-law stories, even the house you live in. She explains why your brain grabs the past when you don’t feel safe, the hidden cost of re-hashing old wounds, and a step-by-step plan to stop using history as ammunition so you can build the future you actually want.

Who this is for:
Stepmoms who feel caught between “I’m fine” and “I’m about to bring up 2014 again.” If you’ve ever tossed a decades-old moment into a current disagreement, this one’s for you.

What you’ll learn:

• Why the past feels so present: Safety responses, stepfamily triggers, and the comparison trap (you’re not “first,” so it feels like you’ll never “come first”).
• The real cost of holding on: Erosion of trust, the resentment loop, and how re-reading old chapters keeps you from writing new ones.
• Six tools to move forward (without pretending it never happened):
  1. Catch the trigger in real time
  2. Separate past from present
  3. Journal it (hello, Ex-Files) instead of dumping it on your partner
  4. Choose your future over your fear (simple visualization prompt)
  5. Forgiveness vs. boundaries (what each one actually does)
  6. Shift the self-talk: from “I’ll never measure up” to “I am the present and the future”

Key takeaways

• When you don’t feel safe, your brain reaches for “proven” past evidence to protect you. That doesn’t mean it serves your relationship now.
• The more you punish your partner for the past, the less space there is to create something new—today.
• You are not in competition with their past. You are their present and future.
• Boundaries protect you; expectations attempt to control them. Keep them separate.
• If the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t want your old chapters thrown at you either.

Related episodes & resources

• Episode 111 – Spiraling: Why It Happens & How to Feel Safe Again → aliciakrasko.com/111
• Episode 110 – The Secret Journal Every Stepmom Should Have (Your “Ex-Files”) → aliciakrasko.com/110

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