PAIRS Mastery – Workshop 1B: “Fighting Fair and Untying Love Knots”

This session takes us right into the fire — not to burn, but to learn. Because let’s be honest: most relationships aren’t undone by the fight, but by how we fight and what we never talk about.

💥 Fair Fights vs. Dirty Fights

Participants explore the Fight Results Profile, learning to distinguish:

• 🔹 Fair fights for change — that lead to increased trust, emotional closeness, and mutual understanding.
• 🔸 Dirty fighting — which leaves partners feeling more distant, hurt, and misunderstood.

A fair fight can actually raise your self-worth — when your voice is heard and your partner makes space for your feelings, even the hard ones.

🕊️ Dove and Hawk Dynamic

Couples often fall into a pattern where one partner (the hawk) pushes for confrontation, while the other (the dove) stays silent, waiting for the storm. Reversing roles helps the quieter partner recognize their own unspoken anger and unmet needs.

🪢 Untying the Six Love Knots

At the heart of many conflicts are “love knots” — unconscious, toxic beliefs we often inherit from childhood or past relationships. These create expectations that quietly erode intimacy.

Here are the six explored in this session:

1. "If you loved me, you'd just know." ➤ The mind-reading trap. Leads to resentment and withdrawal.
2. "If you loved me, you'd never try to change me." ➤ Confuses love with passivity. Ignores the healthy role of feedback and growth in relationships.
3. "If I give to you and you don’t appreciate it, I’ll stop giving." ➤ A recipe for emotional starvation when unacknowledged efforts go unrecognized.
4. "If we disagree, one of us must be wrong." ➤ Black-and-white thinking turns every difference into a battle. Love can’t thrive here.
5. "If I tell you how I feel, you’ll judge, correct, or dismiss me." ➤ Shuts down vulnerability. Leads to silence and emotional isolation.
6. "If you're in pain and I can't fix it, I feel inadequate and resent you." ➤ Turns comfort into blame. Instead of leaning in, the partner pulls away.

🧠 These knots aren’t true — but when we believe them, they silently sabotage love.

🛠️ Tools in Practice

• Fair Fight for Change: Structured communication where emotions are honored and resolution is the goal — not winning.
• Haircuts & Vesuvius: Techniques for intense expression within safe boundaries.
• "Time Out" & Reflection: Choosing to pause before reacting allows clarity and compassion to emerge.
• Appreciation Exercise: Whispered affirmations remind us that we matter — and help reset connection.
• Follow the Leader: A playful at-home exercise that lets each partner design a pleasurable experience, while the other agrees to go along with full-hearted support.

💬 Lori’s Closing Insight:

“What matters is not what’s in the pot, but my ability to own it, acknowledge it, and confide it in you… and know I’m still lovable.”

This workshop is a powerful invitation to rethink conflict — not as a threat to love, but as an opportunity to deepen it. With self-awareness, emotional literacy, and the right tools, we don’t have to fear the fight — we can learn to fight for love.