What Do You Want to Be True?

The Big Idea:

The facts, figures, and statistics you repeat to try to drive home a point are just the things you’ve memorized to affirm what you want to be true. So by just learning what that is and stating it clearly, you can save a huge amount of time!

The Anecdote:

A few weeks ago, I was in a discussion with my girlfriend about independence. As I attempted to explain my point, I:

* Brought up Esther Perel, and her theory that we want our partners to fulfill every need that a village used to provide in the modern world.

* Mentioned Esther Perel's insight that our partners forged the things we love about them in isolation, and if we disappear into each other too much, we risk smothering the things that we loved about each other in the first place.

* Cited some study or another from who-knows-where about something something independence in relationships. Blah, blah, blah.

Now, those are all solid ideas that have their own merits.

But more importantly...

I want them to be true because I have always been an independent person who values independence and is afraid of losing it.

How much time could I have saved by just saying that?!

I gave a talk in May for a clean energy group called Switch Colorado, focused on how we can be better storytellers in the clean energy world.

In it, I pointed out that capital-T Truth (facts and statistics) aren't what's important.

The story people believe that motivates them to seek out the facts is what matters.

Because people don't seek out facts and statistics unless they already believe a story. Very few people (who aren't scientists by trade) set out to be proven wrong when they seek information. We want to be validated because we want certain things to be true so that we can justify living the way we want to.

I'm certainly guilty of it. I watched Esther Perel's TED talk and read her book more than seven years ago. I haven't had a refresher since then.

And yet, I repeat her ideas all the time because I like independence, and I want her ideas to be true, so I can justify my lifestyle.

But if I really believe in who I am and the way I want to live, I don't need to repeat her ideas all the time. I can just say that I want a thing, and then someone else can say what they want, and we can negotiate from there!

Burying wants under a mountain of platitudes, statistics, and ideas about what humanity should be actually shows a lack of self-awareness.

I've seen this in action when speaking to the polyamorous community (and hey, no shade if that's you, get it). People have looked at me with a straight face and said, "Human beings weren't meant to be monogamous."

This irks me because human beings weren't "meant" to be anything. You don't want to be monogamous.

And that's fine! But it doesn't mean that you're more advanced than the rest of us because you've chosen a different lifestyle.

It means that you want something to be true because you want to do a thing.

The things we cite reveal what we want to be true about the world. And once you understand what you want to be true, you can state who you are with a great deal more conviction and honesty.

The more simply you can state what you want, the more confident you appear. This saves a tremendous amount of time and energy in any conversation that involves negotiation.

What To Do About It

Next time you catch yourself reading some study or watching a talk that you're just riveted by, ask yourself:

What do I want to be true that this data backs up? The answer is your deeply held belief. Your worldview.

If you find yourself backing it up with a mountain of facts and figures when you're saying it to someone, you probably don't believe it with that much conviction. You feel like you need to prove it to justify why you do certain things.

Just own it. Wanting things, testing how they feel, and deciding if we still want them are key to the human experience. And the faster we can understand what we want, the easier it is for everyone!

Bonus points:

If you REALLY want to screw with your head, ask yourself, "Why do I want this to be true?"