60 Seconds...ish: Where the Sun Don't Shine

“It was Sept 19 2012, 642 am, after a long night of no sleep, the sun had already started its slow incline outside and for the rest of the world that day...the sun rose and was shining as normal but on that day, the sun stopped shining for me. That was the day I lost my father. My biggest fear as a child came true. I lost my dad and I was filled with uncertainty and anxiety, it had been a long battle with cancer and cancer won. I remember coming home from hospice that day and trying me best to hold it together. Family was around me and we were going to have a meal at the family table, the first one without him. I looked at the chair that was my dad's chair at the head of the table and I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I lied to my family and told them that I needed to take a shower, but in reality it's because i wanted to cry and i didnt want them to see me, see, in my culture men aren't supposed to cry, we are supposed to hold it together and be strong for everyone, but i couldn't hold it together anymore, I cried like I’ve never cried before, I was bawling, I kept asking God, why? I don’t know how I’m going to go on, how am I going to get over this? I just can’t, I found myself scared to not remember the sound of his voice, his laugh I found myself scared to not remember his laugh or his many life lessons he taught meI found myself scared to forget the life lessons that he taught meBut something amazing happened in that shower, as I stood there with the water running down my face, it was as if I was being cleansed, you see from 642 am that morning up until then, I was living in a haze, a dream of sorts, actually it felt like a nightmare, but after that shower everything felt ...clear, I felt renewed, empowered, and hopeful. It was as if , my tears that came out cleansed me, wiped the haze from my mind and renewed my strength to move on. The sun finally came out for me at that moment. But what happens when the sun doesn’t shine for you, what do you do then? The sun didn’t shine for me many days after that, and there are still days when it doesn't come out for me, but I have learned to cope and overcome with family, creative projects, and things that fill me up, but for some the sun never comes back. How do we stop living where the sun don't shine? As a male who was going through what I can identify as depression now, how do I reach out to someone when all my life I have been living in a culture that tells me I need to be strong and that men don't cry? It took a bold decision on my part to decide that I want to live in a healthy state of mind and not let this ruin me. It took a lot of metal strength, and help but along the way I had support and small simple acts that lifted my spirit up,There was one in particular that I will never forget, as I was traveling to the funeral that next week, I was driving on the 5 freeway heading north out of los angeles, i was not well mentally but as I look to my left at a car passing by me, in the back seat was a little girl, she locked eyes with me and smiled. That smile was much more than a random smile to me, it was a smile that filled me with hope that at the end of it all, it's going to be ok.For many the sun never shines and they hide behind many faces to let the world know they are ok, so just like that little girl that gave a random stranger a smile as he was heading to a funeral, your small and simple positive actions can save a person.”-Jaime Roque