Moving from Physical to Embodied Intimacy with Tom Bruett

Queer therapist Tom Bruett joins us to explore what it means to move from connection that’s just physical to intimacy that’s truly embodied. We unpack how early messages around fear, secrecy, and performance shape desire, and what becomes possible when we bring awareness back into the body.

Together we get practical: the “thumb out” signal for pausing when you’re overwhelmed, Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain, the window of tolerance, and simple brain-stem tools like breath and sensation to come back online. We talk consent using Betty Martin’s Wheel, sensate focus as a no-pressure practice, and why owning your own pleasure can reduce shame and resentment. Eric shares on sober intimacy and using kink/BDSM as a bridge to presence; Tim translates models into day-to-day micro-practices you can try over dishes, on a walk, or in moments of closeness. We also name app fatigue, hypersexualized spaces, and how to de-emphasize the finish line without losing the fun.

Chapter Markers

00:00 – Welcome & Introductions: Eric sets the stage, introduces Tom Bruett and his work at the Queer Relationship Institute.

03:20 – Queer Men, Bodies, and Hypermasculinity: How early messages about masculinity and secrecy shape our relationship with embodiment.

08:45 – Differentiation & Authentic Expression: Tom explains how attachment, differentiation, and experimentation help queer men reconnect with themselves.

14:30 – Adolescence Delayed: Emotional, Sexual, Spiritual: Exploring the unique timing of queer men’s adolescence and what that means for intimacy.

18:55 – Physical vs. Embodied Connection: Tim and Tom define embodied intimacy, contrasting it with purely physical encounters.

23:15 – Sober Intimacy & BDSM as a Bridge: Eric shares his transition into sobriety and how kink created space for embodied connection.

28:40 – Desire Differences & Myths in Gay Culture: Unpacking desire discrepancy, app fatigue, and the hypersexualized pressures queer men face.

34:20 – First Steps into Embodiment: Practical entry points: body scans, breathwork, yoga, dance, and sensate focus exercises.

40:05 – The Nervous System & Dan Siegel’s Hand Model: Understanding hyperarousal, hypoarousal, and tools to return to regulation.

45:00 – Consent, Communication & the “Thumb Out” Signal: Introducing Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent, shorthand for pausing, and reframing performance pressure.

49:20 – De-Emphasizing the Finish Line: How to shift focus away from orgasm as the marker of success and expand intimacy through experimentation.

52:00 – Closing Reflections: Tom, Tim, and Eric share final takeaways on vulnerability, practice, and ongoing exploration.

53:08 – Closing Ritual: Tim leads the gratitude and release, “container open but not broken.”