24. Tips For Dealing With A Defensive Partner

Working with defensiveness is like an art. We’ve found that explicitly talking about what we each need when we are in a defensive state has really supported us to more easily and successfully make it through those fiery and challenging times. In this episode, we explore the impact of defensiveness, ways that we support ourselves and our partners in the heat of the moment.

Like most behavior changes, a great first step is to notice when and why we default to certain thought patterns or actions. When you look at what’s underneath the layer of defense, you’ll discover the vulnerability that’s being masked by anger or self-righteousness. This process can often reveal an unmet need and create space for deeper repair. 

In our conversation, we share tips to help minimize and eventually resolve defensiveness within relationships. With the help of a couples therapist or relationship coach, there are ways to engage in painful moments in a collaborative way, but it requires a willingness to see the opportunities that exist within defensiveness. 

Our invitation this week is to notice when you or your partner get defensive and reflect on what's actually happening for you. The more you can become self-aware about your own defensiveness, the quicker you're going to be able to repair it and develop a deeper connection. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• How to work with defensiveness inside of a relationship
• Leaning into the curiosity for how your actions impact other people 
• How to start a conversation that’s focused on more than right versus wrong 
• Ideas for crafting an agreement with your partner around what happens when you encounter defensiveness
• Relationship advice for when one partner is unwilling to changeg
• A reminder that a deeper type of collaborative partnership is real and available to you 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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