The Apt Cods Podcast: Pet Vet 2

Nurse: I wonder why we always have the same owner, and she always brings stuffed animals? Surgeon: We are waiting for the animal as we speak. Nurse: Oh, really? Surgeon: Yeah. It should be here in a matter of seconds. Nurse: What is it? Surgeon: 3...2...1... She's not here. Nurse: Well, what is it? Surgeon: She didn't say. Nurse: Call her! We know her phone number. It's right here in the phone book. (Telephone ringing) Surgeon: It's the answering machine. She's not there. She should be here soon. Nurse: I'll go wait on the sidewalk. Surgeon: Must be having trouble figuring out which pet to bring. She has so many of them. (Arf!) Surgeon: A dog? I've always wanted to do a dog patient. Cool. (barking) Surgeon: Why are you dragging it along on that leash? Nurse: Yes. How dare you drag your dog around like that! Owner: Pretend it's walking. Nurse: Pretend?! Oh the poor animal! Owner: Mary, how about it's walking. Nurse: Ok. Nurse: What appears to be wrong with your dog? Owner: Ahem. The dog is sick. Surgeon: In what way? Owner: It sneezes a lot. Nurse: Does it have a cold? Owner: Probably. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW! Surgeon: Is it active? Owner: No. (We hear the dog jumping on a file cabinet and barking) Owner: It's not active! Mary, it's not active! Surgeon: It appears very active. Owner: Mary, don't do that! Nurse: The dog appears to be making rock and roll music against the file cabinet. Owner: Mary, come on! Don't do that! Surgeon: Does you dog listen to too many CD's? Owner: Well, he's listened to every CD I've listened to. He just lies there... Nurse: He's banging his stomach against the file cabinet. (Howling) Nurse: And he's howling in pain. (More howling) Surgeon: Um... when you called you said that he had stomach pains and you said he wouldn't eat... Owner: No, I didn't! Nurse: Yes you did! Owner: I never said that! I said he wouldn't play! (Still howling) Surgeon: He didn't play either, I know. Owner: I never said he wouldn't eat! Surgeon: I think the reason he doesn't eat-- Owner: I NEVER SAID HE DOESN'T EAT! (Laughter) Nurse: Okay. So. The dog is not eating. (Dog is howling in pain) Owner: Shiloh! Nurse: His name is Shiloh. Owner: Yeah. He's a beagle. Surgeon: Why are you always saying, "His name is Shiloh!" and stuff like that? Nurse: Because I feel like it! I'm a nurse! Surgeon: I never had that sort of feeling. I guess it's because I'm not a nurse. Nurse: We should take some X-rays to see if he has something lodged in his stomach. Or in his intestines. Surgeon: Give me that dog. Nurse: We should see if he has something in his intestines. (Choking noises) Nurse: Don't choke the dog! Surgeon: Sorry! Sorry, I was just... Owner: What are you doing to my poor puppy?! Surgeon: My puppy! Owner: My puppy! Nurse: We appear to have an argument. Should we go to court, or solve this right now? Surgeon: Eew! Stupid dog! He peed on me! Owner: See what happens when you hold a dog that doesn't know you at all? Surgeon: I think he's rather excited. (Howling again) Nurse: I am translating his howling into English. He appears to be saying, "My stomach hurts! My stomach! My stomach!" or in Spanish: "Mi estómago, mi estómago, mi estósmago!" Surgeon: How did you know this? Nurse: I am fluent in 2 million languages! Surgeon: Well. We shall turn on the operating table light. Owner: Oh no! Surgeon: So... Miss, I will do anything in my power to make sure this dog is safe. Nurse: Give it an X-ray so we can see what is lodged in its stomach or intestines. (X-ray noises) Nurse: There appears to be a fire hydrant inside of him. Surgeon: It's a wonder he can breathe! Owner: He's too small for a fire hydrant! Nurse: I don't think he swallowed a fire hydrant. It appears to be his dog tag which is in the shape of a fire hydrant. Surgeon: Aha! He was spending all his time around fire hydrants, so I guess he just swallowed one. Nurse: That's dalmatians, not beagles! They spend all their time around guns. Surgeon: My. He has fallen asleep. (snoring) Surgeon: I didn't know dogs snored. Nurse: Oh. Maybe it was me. Surgeon: Am I boring? Nurse: Yes! Surgeon: Okay. We need to get this fire hydrant--I mean-- Nurse: Don't do that! Surgeon: I'm sorry-- Nurse: You're not supposed to do anything with its head! Surgeon: I'm sorry, I just like to inject stuff into animals! (Evil laughter) Surgeon: What I shall do is...I shall open its mouth and reach into its throat and take out the fire hydrant. Nurse: It's not a fire hydrant! It's a dog tag! Owner: I though you were going to put a tube in his throat. Nurse: Yeah. Surgeon: (taking something out of the dog's throat) Oops, that's his bone. Let's see what else is in there. Nurse: Don't stick your hand in there! Surgeon: Aha! Nurse: You were supposed to stick a tube in his throat! You probably put a bunch of germs in there from your other patients! Surgeon: Let's ventilate him. (Ventilating sounds (whatever those are)) (Howl) Nurse: Uh-oh, he awoke. Surgeon: He's asleep now. Okay, um... Nothing is wrong with him anymore. (Silence) Nurse: Bandage him? I don't know... You're the surgeon! You know what to do! Surgeon: I never operated on a dog before. Nurse: Should we clean off this dog tag? Surgeon: Ahem. Wipe, wipe, wipe. Nurse: Aren't you supposed to sterilize-- Surgeon: Sterilize, sterilize, sterilize. Here you are, miss, here's your dog tag. I mean, the dog's dog tag. Um... Would you mind if we gave him a regular checkup? Check his ears and stuff? Nurse: That would cost more! Owner: Yeah, that would cost more! Surgeon: Oh, sorry. Here's your dog, uh... Nurse: Carry him home. Surgeon: Yeah. (Growl) Surgeon: Aaaaah! He bit me! He bit me! Nurse: Walk him home, then. Surgeon: Phew. Did you know that dog bites cause more deaths a year than snake bites? Nurse: I think I read that in the Boys' Life! Surgeon: Did you, now?. (Pause) Miss, does your dog have rabies? When is the last time your dog had a rabies shot? Come back here! Give me that dog! Nurse, get the dog! Nurse: In my records, it says that this dog had a rabies shot on December 12, 1549. Don't worry, this dog has had its rabies shots.