George and his grandmother

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.

Other pirates looted and plundered, while George spent a lot of time writing to his grandmother.

She’d send care packages, which contained cookies and brownies and socks and underwear.

His crewmates stole George’s socks, ran the underwear up the mast to fly with the Jolly Roger, and ate all of the cookies and brownies.

Clutching their stomachs, they vomited blood and died horrible, painful deaths.

George wrote his grandmother again to tell her that she really needs new glasses.

“Or put bigger labels on the vanilla and arsenic bottles.”