Riding the horse of Ecstasy and Despair

Sacred Encounter - Painting by Shiloh Sophia

Dearest Hearts,

Oh so many things. Drinking tea and watching the sunrise and thinking of you. If you have read Jonathan’s substack, The Intentional Table then you will know what ecstasy and despair I am speaking of. Breathing a sigh of relief, and drinking tea that he has made for me. I am thinking of you and knowing all that you are also going through.

“Then a woman said, speak to us of joy and sorrow. And he answered:Your joy is your sorrow, unmasked, and the self same well from which your laughter arises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” Khalil Gibran, The Prophet I remember reading this when I was a young woman and asking myself the question,

Is this true? In order to have the amount of ecstasy that I'm seeking…Ecstasy that the poets speak about and the painters paint about, and the dancers twirl about, and the gardeners plant seeds about, Must I also have the sorrow? Is it true? Is it true that the counterpoint to the critic, the voice of meanness inside has a sister called the Muse? Is it true?Well, now, at this time in my journey, as I reference that quote by Kahlil GibranI will definitely affirm that my ecstasy and my despair are riding to and from the roads of my life on the same horse. It continues to perplex me as this horse of ecstasy and despair, trots in and out of every single day, the depth, the impact, the emotional and somatic swinging from laughter to tears.

Sometimes in the same second, an orgasm could turn from laughter…to absolute tears. Bad news could make you shudderand then you feel a sense of absolute soul, soul filling, gratitude….

The body could be in pain so deep, you wonder when it will ever leave. Will you ever feel the same again? And then you feel a sense of relief for whatever reason at the pet of your dog or your cat, or a sunrise through a cloudy day…And there it is again, a sense of freedom. Moments later, the pain returns. What an experience as a human being to navigate this juxtaposition between ecstasy and despair. This horse of ecstasy and despair comes be-jeweled into my life and shimmers as she waits for me to hop on. She does not promise safety, but she does promise she will carry me through the ecstasy and despair. My only consent to riding this horse is that I recognize both for what they are, to be clear on the distinctions and to begin to notice when one flips to the other.And… watch that switch time! Pay attention to when energy becomes matter and matter becomes energy. Dance on the equal sign as it changes. And if you can learn to be soft enough to notice the change, it won't take you so much by surprise. You won't feel as crazy. You'll know that joy and sorrow are sisters and the ecstasy and despair, are sisters. You will know, this is just part of the human experience.You won't need to resist it so much. You may even learn to welcome it.

You may memorize the reality that this despair can turn into ecstasy in time. You will not be able to control the timeline and that pisses us off. But if we can pay attention to the alchemical moment of change, then the horse of ecstasy will let us ride and ride and ride. And when despair comes, her shimmering jewels will remind us… as they dim down into darkness, only a glimmer of light remains, but still a glimmer because you memorized the brightness that was there before -and to not demonize one or the other or exalt one as better or worse. To see both simultaneously as the human experience, then something happens…..I wish I could say it's understanding, or even better… peace, but it's more like just being here and not resisting being here. When ectasy comes, throw open your arms. When despair calms, throw open your arms. And when that horse rides…with youholding on for dear life, remember, you carry both. Life isn't doing this to you. Life is happening through you. No, you cannot control it. But yes, you can enjoy the ride.This is our choice as humans. Will we choose it? I will.

Shiloh Sophia

On another note…applications are closing today if you want to hop on a horse named desire for sovereignty with me - GLOW here