My heart is breaking. (Broken.)

This Reminds me exact of what birth can be like . I’ve also had epidural peaceful no pain births- but I recall with my first birth - feeling the moment when I was going to completely give up, just subsume to the pain, and mentally die in my mind and soul from how tired I was of this NOT ending”. There is no better metaphor to Galus (exile) than birth and as women some of us have physically experienced the process of galus exile to geula(redemption) in our bodies.

But How do we differentiate between strict judgement and the birth pangs of mashiach? I believe the din is the chevlei mashiach 😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔 it hurts so bad but the uterus has to squeeze and contract to get the baby out. The vessel has to contain and put tighter boundires to create and contain what needs to happen. And it’s din and gevurah. And it hurts. But it’s the only way to have your baby 😭😭😭

Hashem wants us so badly. We want him so badly. So many times I am in so much pain mentally just from living everyday life, facing challenges Hashem sends me, and I tell myself THIS AGONY I feel IS the birth pains! My pain is birthing mashiach! I have to moan through it, I have to breathe, I have to visualize the wave creating and peaking until it slowly fades away. We have constant “contractions” in our life but now they are coming very fast and very strong. It’s painful bc this baby is coming now. It needs to happen. Black and white- it’s clear. the head is crowning. There is No Chessed and extra TLC when the baby is coming. The baby is coming now and it hurts so bad. But it will be over so so soon.
And we are going to be held and snuggled by Hashem so soon, embraced in the cocoon of those first newborn sweet moments. He loves us so much. we can’t be afraid to just scream and cry and moan and shout through the pain. We’re in Labour as a nation. We’re giving birth to the final geula/redemption - the ultimate world of connection and closeness.. Please Hashem let this be the final push and we’ll immediately have that blissful blessed relief that “we did it.”

It could just be one more mincha you fit in or maariv you push yourself out of bed to say. The statement that “might” be lashon Hara you bite back. That could be the final contraction or push, the straw that finally tips the scales. We matter so much. We can do so much . Open your hearts and feel the pain. Don’t be afraid of your feelings. They are exactly where we are meant to be, exactly what we are meant to be feeling. Just use them to cling to Hashem to get through it. Say “Hashem I am so scared” “Hashem I am so sad” “Hashem how can you do this?” Allow yourself to scream and cry. It hurts so bad. Don’t suppress the feelings. Release them . All feelings are ok if you just let them out. I promise Hashem will accept every one bc He loves you for you and contain and handle all your big messed up feelings. He is bigger than you think. Just don’t suppress how you feel. Express it. Write. Sing. Talk. Share. Call someone on the phone. Listen. Dance. Do anything . Just feel it and get it out. We’re all in this together and we’re going to get through this- tears, blood, bruises, trauma, and all.