The Differences Between Guilt & Shame - Real Life Examples

It's important to know the difference between guilt & shame to know what needs your attention to work through. Today we are comparing guilt & shame, while also understanding the difference between healthy & unhealthy guilt.

Show Notes:

Let’s talk about the difference between guilt & shame. Guilt is when you feel bad for doing something wrong or you think you did something wrong. It’s also something you experience when you go against your personal values & beliefs. Shame is when you feel like who you are as a person is wrong. It’s a personal belief you have about yourself & ties into self-worth. Guilt is based on behavior, whereas shame is based on who you believe you are.

With guilt, we usually only feel it when we care about how it impacts someone else. But there is a healthy aspect to it that keeps us accountable & responsible for things we did that affect others & how we can correct those wrongs. It’s healthy guilt vs unhealthy guilt. When you are operating in healthy guilt, you will seek forgiveness & figure out what needs to be done to amend the situation with the person & how you can change your behavior for the future. Unhealthy guilt is when you punish yourself for things that may or may not have affected the other person & are a result of not meeting your own unrealistic expectations. You end up telling yourself you did something wrong when you really didn’t.

With shame, you feel worthless & tend to believe there is nothing you can change about it. We can develop feelings of shame from childhood experiences, mental health issues that include criticizing or judging ourselves, being bullied by others or even fear of having your flaws & insecurities exposed. 

What shame says:

• Focus more on what other people think & say about me
• Allow anger & aggression to foster & be used as a way to react
• Don’t step outside your comfort zone because you might experience humiliation
• Make sure you feel about who you are & what you’ve been through, even when it wasn’t your fault (like abuse)
• Don’t give yourself any grace or forgiveness

What healthy guilt says:

• You hit someone with your car & now have to suffer the consequences
• You knowingly broke the rules to get ahead & now need to amend your behavior & understand why that is bad
• You didn’t do your part when you said you would or it was asked of you & now feel bad about it
• You made a mistake but admit to it & take responsibility for it
• You realize you are engaging in behavior that negatively affects others & decide to change your behavior

What unhealthy guilt says:

• You take responsibility for other people’s emotions & how they feel
• You think taking care of yourself is selfish
• If someone gets upset it must be your fault
• You feel like a failure if you weren’t able to do everything you or others expected you to do
• You forgot someone's name that you just met & feel horrible about it

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