Breaking Free from "Must": Reclaiming Your Choices

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Do you find yourself constantly weighed down by obligations that don't truly belong to you? That nagging voice inside your head declaring "I must do this" may be what psychologist Albert Ellis provocatively termed "musturbation."

Building on our previous exploration of Ellis's concept of "shoulding all over yourself," this mini-episode delves into another powerful insight from Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. While "should" statements shame us after the fact, "must" statements create an overwhelming sense of responsibility that can leave us exhausted and resentful. The difference might seem subtle, but understanding it can transform how you approach obligations in your life.

We explore the crucial distinction between being "responsible" and "response-able." Many of us unconsciously shoulder burdens that were never ours to carry – from always planning dinner to constantly smoothing the path for our children. As I explain, "We carry an awful lot of rocks in our backpack that don't have our name on them." This pattern can have serious consequences, particularly for children whose parents never allow them to develop the skills to navigate difficulties or disappointments independently.

The next time you feel that crushing weight of "I must do this," pause and ask yourself: "Is this truly my responsibility?" Remember that you can influence situations without owning the outcome. You can contribute without carrying the entire burden. By recognizing your tendency toward "musturbation" and challenging those irrational beliefs, you can reclaim your choices and set healthier boundaries. Take a moment to reflect on which "musts" are truly serving you, and which ones you might be ready to put down. Your backpack – and your mind – will thank you.

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