Nightly News Roundup

Epstein victims demand names, Trump hoax patrols, FBI hides files. RFK Jr. crowned, HHS revolts. Newsmax sues Fox, drunk raccoons. Pentagon lawyers crash-course immigration law. Harvard body-slams Tr…

Minnesota mourns kids shot in the pews while politicians wave flags. DOJ fails to make a felony out of a footlong. Immigration becomes Deportation 2: The Uganda Cut. Trump’s cronies whisper coups in …

Israel calls a hospital strike a “mishap.” Trump sends the National Guard to play mall cops in D.C. First U.S. screwworm case proves maggots are more straightforward than our politicians. Trump flirt…

Zelensky shows up at the White House in a suit, Europe in tow, Trump grinning like a kid eyeing a Happy Meal Nobel. Hours earlier, 14 civilians dead in Ukraine—rockets meet roses, rubble meets realit…

The Vice President Vladimir Futon tried to book a table at a cozy Michelin-rated English pub — staff basically said, “Sure, if you want us to not show up for work.” Locals put up “Fascists Not Welcom…

Trump’s got Scrooge McDuck money privileges, Putin got a ceasefire threat that might just be a meme, and the Treasury Secretary’s still clinging to his stocks like a bad Tinder match. Congress is cos…

Tonight: Russia’s hacking America’s sealed court files while Trump preps for a Putin cuddle; Trump’s new BLS pick wants to kill the monthly jobs report; Florida’s schools turned into DeSantis’ propag…

Trump ghosted labor unions at the VA while RFK Jr. lit pandemic funding on fire because his third eye said “no thanks.” Utah legalized “oops-my-nephew’s-a-predator” justice, and Trump thinks world pe…

Congress is jerking off to the Epstein files, New York just got defunded on terror protection, and California’s drawing maps with the subtlety of a prison riot. The FDA says “good luck not dying” whi…

Russia’s waving nukes around again, Trump wants $15K per tourist, and Sean Duffy is strapping a nuclear reactor to the moon. Texas Republicans are hunting Democrats across state lines like cartoon bo…

Trade war threats, taxpayer-funded ballrooms, and CEOs dropping like flies — just another week in America’s flaming clown car. Trump’s wrecking ethics with a golf club, Musk’s lighting democracy on f…