Vampire Coach: Trading Grades for Veins at Taiwan U 🧛‍♂️📚💉 - Bizarre News You Never Knew You Needed!

This is your News You do not Need podcast.

Let me paint you a picture: It’s a hot, sticky July day, you’re strolling past a university campus in Taiwan, and you see something that makes you simultaneously question your grasp of reality and the state of higher education. I’m talking about a story so bizarre, so delightfully unnecessary, that after hearing it, you’ll forever know you’ve reached the summit of “news nobody needs but nobody can look away from.”

At Taiwan’s National Changhua University of Education, students in the physical education department were confronted by one of the most unique grading schemes ever devised, courtesy of their—let’s call him “unorthodox”—coach. Now, most students get sweaty palms over final exams, but these poor souls got sweaty, well, veins. The coach, who has now been nicknamed “the Vampire Coach,” reportedly offered students better grades in exchange for—wait for it—their blood. Yes, literal vials of it. Not metaphoric sweat or tears—those would be standard issue—but actual, certified, student plasma.

Apparently, this blood drive wasn’t for charity or science, but rather to keep the coach’s own “personal stockpile.” The logistics alone are nightmare fuel: imagine rolling up to office hours and instead of red pens, there’s a collection of test tubes and maybe a garlic necklace for good measure. “Coach, about my grade…,” you say, and he’s already snapping on rubber gloves. This isn’t higher learning, it’s higher draining.

Of course, things didn’t remain under wraps for long—because if you’re extracting bodily fluids from your students, someone’s going to Snapchat it. And now, thanks to the wonders of social media, “Vampire Coach” is trending, right up there with cat videos and dancing grandmas. University authorities stepped in and, as you might guess, were not thrilled to learn their grading policies now doubled as a casting call for a reboot of “Twilight.” Disciplinary action ensued, possibly involving holy water and a wooden stake in the career (figuratively, of course).

But let’s take a moment to reflect on the deep questions this story raises. Who among us, during a rough semester, wouldn’t have preferred giving a little blood over, say, yet another group project? And what exactly was he planning to do with all that student blood—stock up in case of a vampire apocalypse? Open a black-market blood smoothie bar? The world may never know.

So, the next time you feel you’ve had a rough day at work or school, remember: at least your supervisor or professor probably isn’t negotiating grades for hemoglobin. This has been today’s edition of News You Absolutely Didn’t Need But Will Definitely Never Forget. Sleep tight, and don’t let any academic vampires bite.

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