The FBI's Holy Fail: Spying on a Priest's Confessions and Credit Cards

This is your News You do not Need podcast.

Here’s something you really, truly do not need to know, but once you do, good luck forgetting it. Yesterday, the headlines were full of serious news—the usual suspects: politics, global tensions, economy doing the hokey pokey. And sneaking between them, like a pigeon at an outdoor café, was a story so bizarre it could only belong to our modern times—a juicy congressional report on the FBI and, yes, a Catholic priest. Move over, Hollywood. You just can’t script this kind of thing.

Now, picture it: Richmond, Virginia. Calm, Catholic, pious—even the choirs sound like Gregorian Alexa. Suddenly, boom, in comes the FBI, but they're not looking for donations—unless you count credit card information. Apparently, in the year 2025, you can get yourself thoroughly surveilled if you’re a priest who decides to keep a secret—like, say, a confession. This is actually a thing. The FBI, according to this sparkling new congressional report, spied on a Catholic priest because he wouldn’t spill the holy beans about a parishioner. The counterterrorism unit apparently decided he was Public Enemy Number One, which means that either the world is very safe, or their to-do list is running short.

Here’s the part no one told your grandma in catechism class: The agents even investigated the priest's credit card purchases. Just imagine the suspense in that briefing room: “We’ve got him. He bought incense and... wait for it... an economy-sized box of communion wafers. Highly suspicious.” Add to that an attempted shake-down—agents tried to get the priest to confess what was confessed to him. There’s a certain poetic irony there that I’m sure Shakespeare would have loved.

If you’re wondering who thought this was a good idea, take a number. The FBI, according to the congressional report, told Congress this was a one-off, just a tiny “oops” on their giant bingo card of American life. But then it came out—surprise, it might not be so isolated after all. Apparently, there’s a file somewhere in a government building labeled: “Operation: Eavesdrop on Father Ted.” You know you’ve lost the plot when national security hinges on whether a priest will betray the sanctity of the confessional for a punch card at Starbucks.

All of this was discovered by comedians in suits, otherwise known as members of the House Judiciary Committee. Now, the best part: the poor priest just wanted to serve his parish, light some candles, and maybe get reimbursed for six gallons of grape juice. Instead, Big Brother turned up with a magnifying glass, a functioning misunderstanding of basic religious privacy, and a thirst for mildly scented financial records.

Moral of the story: You never know which of your receipts—be it for incense, holy water, or novelty socks—might end up as “evidence” in the next congressional investigation. So, next time you make a questionable purchase, just remember: somewhere out there, the FBI could be wondering if you’re starting a church, or just really, really like snacks.

Either way, add it to the growing list of news you didn’t need, but now absolutely wish you could unhear. Amen to that.

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