Tallest Tree Takedown: Oregon's 450-Year-Old Fir Loses Its Top in Dramatic Firefight

This is your News You do not Need podcast.

Today in strange news you absolutely do not need but will probably never forget, allow me to introduce: the epic saga of the tallest tree in Oregon, whose career as the ultimate woodland skyscraper was, this week, cut dramatically short. Imagine, you’re a 450-year-old Douglas fir, minding your own business, just chilling and photosynthesizing, maybe exchanging a little gossip with the woodpeckers about the state of the squirrel economy, when suddenly… fire strikes. Not just any fire, but one that somehow settled in the tippy top of the tree—unlike most forest fires, which bravely attack trees about the knees or shins.

Firefighters and a team of apparently very brave volunteer climbers arrived on the scene ready for action. Their plan? Climb a 327-foot, centuries-old tree that’s basically on fire and try to save it from the top down. The kind of people who face this challenge probably also go bungee jumping without the bungee, just for the thrill. They did manage to put out the fire before the tree could roast any chestnuts or possibly host the world’s tallest s’mores party, but alas, the Douglas fir lost 50 feet off its height. Fifty! That’s like losing half a blue whale, or all of your dignity after singing karaoke stone-cold sober.

So, Oregon’s tree, which previously lorded over the woods as a 327-foot tall leafy skyscraper, is now a mere 277 feet, which is still impressive if you’re a pinecone or a chipmunk, but in the world of hyper-tall trees? Kind of a short king. Not willing to take any more chances with the tree’s, shall we say, “flaming” sense of drama, the forest service promptly installed a sprinkler system. Because if a tree’s had the kind of year this Douglas fir has, it’s basically begging for spa treatments and constant hydration.

Naturally, locals are devastated. As one anonymous nearby sapling put it, “This is a real blow for the community. That fir inspired all of us. If a 450-year-old legend can literally lose its head overnight, what hope do the rest of us have?” Personally, I suspect at least one of the squirrels is secretly thrilled: it’s now much easier to throw acorns off the top. For the tree, though, this is the woodsy version of a very public haircut fail. There will be support groups: ‘Stumps Anonymous—Sharing, Caring, Ring Counting.’

And so, let’s pour a little metaphorical water out for the dearly shortened, but still very much standing, king of Douglas firs. May its new sprinkler system keep it cool, its remaining needles stay perky, and may it remain Oregon’s most famous, if slightly less tall, piece of lumber. In other news, children everywhere now have confirmation that their parents were right: standing up too tall and straight really does make you a target. Especially if you're a tree.

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