Steve's Unzipped Oscar Monologue, Crabby Internet Goons, and Rick and Morty's Oval Office Spinoff

This is your News You do not Need podcast.

Ever wondered what would happen if Steve Martin’s pants became more famous than his entire career? Well, apparently we almost found out. This week, the internet unearthed a legendary behind-the-scenes tidbit from the annals of Oscar history: Steve Martin, at the peak of his wild and crazy prowess, once considered opening the Academy Awards with a one-liner about his… open fly. That’s right, before stepping in front of nearly 100 million viewers in all his tuxedoed glory, Martin got the writer’s room rolling with: “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is my fly was open throughout the monologue. The good news is the camera puts on 10 pounds.” The line was so good, even the notoriously frown-prone TV censors gave it their stamp of approval. But minutes before the live broadcast, Martin chickened out—presumably zipping up more than just his pants, but also one of the greatest could-have-been moments in Oscar comedy.

Not to be outdone in the why-did-I-learn-this-today department, Twitter—sorry, X—exploded with another revelation: apparently, “heavy is the crab that ran the goon” is trending, and I’m not convinced anyone, including the goon or the crab, knows why. Perhaps this is the new “if you know, you know.” Or, more likely, it’s just another Tuesday on the internet.

Meanwhile, the *Rick and Morty* universe is expanding in a direction no one asked for but now everyone is curious about. Keith David, famed gentle thunder-voiced actor, has confirmed he’ll star in a spin-off titled *President Curtis*, which will apparently feature less intergalactic weirdness and more “Oval Office-based” shenanigans. No word yet on whether this president will have an open-fly scandal of his own, but hope springs eternal.

And if the day feels a little weirder than usual, maybe it’s because a massive earthquake off the Russian coast sent tsunami warnings rippling all the way to Hawaii and California, as if nature itself decided it needed a more dramatic midweek plot twist. Weather forecasters, already busy warning that 170 million Americans are under dangerous heat alerts, had to figure out how to communicate “Prepare for both spontaneous sweating and casual tsunamis.” This brings new meaning to multitasking.

So the next time someone asks you for a hot take on current events, you can confidently reply, “Steve Martin once almost flashed 100 million people on live TV, a fictional cartoon president is getting a real Oval Office, crabs might be running the internet, and oh yeah, duck if you see a tsunami. Anything else?” Because in 2025, what counts as news is—much like Steve Martin’s lost joke—unpredictable, a little absurd, and guaranteed to leave you wondering if maybe you didn't need to know any of this… but you’re better for it anyway. Or at least, better prepared for your next awkward dinner party.

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