Medieval Mayhem: Sword Surfaces, Nude Sunbather Sues, and Ronald McBurglar Strikes!

This is your News You do not Need podcast.

There are things you know, things you should know, and things you really had no idea you needed to know—like, say, today's actual news about a medieval sword that just popped out of the ground in the Netherlands after centuries and, incredibly, was found by construction workers who were probably just trying to get through their Monday with as little excitement as possible. Honestly, if you’ve ever dug in your backyard and wondered if you’d find buried treasure, take solace: these folks just found a 700-year-old sword with literal gold and copper symbols carved onto it. I imagine someone in a hardhat, just trying to get the coffee jitters under control, hauling up a rusted hunk of metal, only to discover it’s the kind of artifact that fills two museums and at least three Indiana Jones movies.

According to officials, this wasn’t just any medieval blade—this was a knight’s sword, probably swung by someone who definitely would have been voted “Most Likely to Lose His Sword in a Fumbling 14th-Century Battle.” I picture him rummaging through plague and feudal chaos, frantically patting his tabard, muttering, “Now where did I leave that gold-engraved sword?” The answer, apparently, was under about seven meters of Dutch clay, right next to the pipe that construction crews had to dig up only after someone else forgot to finish their coffee.

The best part—the sword is now on display, and apparently, the symbols on it are so rare that historians collectively inhaled so hard their glasses fogged up. They’re still deciphering the markings, which, if you ask me, probably say “If found, please return to Sir Edwin the Forgetful.” Museum curators have called it the archaeological find of the season, narrowly beating out the discovery of a lost Ronald McDonald bench stolen brazenly from a Pennsylvania McDonald’s by criminals still at large. Yes, someone out there looked at that grinning clown in molded plastic and thought, “This is what my living room is missing.” Somewhere, a swordless medieval knight and a Hamburglar are both shaking their heads and sighing.

If you think that’s the weirdest news of the last 24 hours, the list just keeps getting stranger. I regret to inform you that someone in Argentina just won a lawsuit against Google because a Street View car captured him sunbathing nude in his own backyard. That’s right, someone’s backyard tan lines are now legally protected, and Google’s photocar operators are possibly spending mandatory HR training learning the phrase: “Point the camera at the street. At the street!”

In summary, today you’ve learned that if you want to find gold, you should try road construction in the Netherlands. If you want to be immortalized, do it with a sword—preferably one you don’t immediately lose. And if you’re feeling a little exposed in your backyard, remember: you, too, might be just a camera-click away from internet infamy or perhaps a payday from Google. Consider closing the gate—and if you absolutely must steal a Ronald McDonald bench, at least wear chainmail.

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