Clown Heist, Sprinting Swine, and Claw Machine Kid: Bizarre Blotter Blowout!

This is your News You do not Need podcast.

Today I learned that there is absolutely no end to the ways people can surprise you—and not always for the better. Take, for example, the saga of Ronald McDonald. Not the actual fry-loving, red-shoed clown himself, mind you, but the statue that usually greets you outside a McDonald's, happily perched on a bench, inviting selfies and unsolicited hugs from toddlers sticky with ketchup. Well, in a bizarre crime worthy of its own Netflix docuseries, several suspects in Pennsylvania decided they could not go another minute without their own piece of fast food royalty and marched right into a McDonald's restaurant—without ordering a single fry, mind you—and walked out lugging the iconic Ronald McDonald bench statue right under the shocked gaze of morning diners.

You know, there are days when you reluctantly drag yourself out of bed and think, “Maybe today will be normal.” But then you remember you live in a world where someone’s ambition is apparently to own 200 pounds of molded fiberglass clown. I sincerely hope their living room has a clown-sized coffee table to match. I imagine it now: “Excuse me, is that a rare antique?” “Ah, no, that’s just Ronald, my new roommate. He doesn’t say much, but he’s always smiling.”

Honestly, the logistics alone would have been a sight to see. Several suspects, a bench, a frozen grin, and probably a minivan idling outside. If they get caught, can you picture the police lineup? “Okay, which of these suspects looks most like a fugitive from a birthday party?” And the best part? That’s probably not even the weirdest thing that’s happened at a fast food joint this month.

Not to be outdone in the race for the strangest headline, there’s the armed and adventurous pig who recently decided to take a sprint down Interstate 26 in South Carolina, causing a traffic jam and forcing a state trooper into a tense negotiation with a swine possibly still bitter about last New Year’s resolution.

For sheer persistence, though, nothing beats the determined child who managed to crawl through the prize chute of a claw machine only to get stuck among the plushies. There’s commitment, and then there’s “I’ll risk wedging my entire body into a metal box for a $3 rubber duck.” Some heroes wear capes; others wear onesies and have to be liberated by firefighters wielding the Jaws of Life.

Of course, on any other day, these might be the headliners of weird, but nothing really tops a group of grown adults thinking, “I need a life-size statue of a clown bench. Tonight.” If you need me, I’ll be bolting my patio furniture to the ground and eyeing nearby costumed mascots with suspicion. Here’s hoping tomorrow is at least slightly less clownish.

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