Bras, Bees, and Bar Mitzvahs: The News You Never Knew You Needed

This is your News You do not Need podcast.

I woke up today feeling hopeful—hopeful that after years of scrolling through newsfeeds filled with global crises, political drama, and one too many videos of cats playing piano, the universe would finally serve up a story that truly challenges my belief in humanity’s boundless creativity. And, dear listeners, the universe did not disappoint.

Today I learned that apparently, if you’re traveling through Miami International Airport, you really need to make sure your bra is not doubling as a turtle sanctuary. Yes, you heard me right. Because authorities recently stopped a woman trying to board a flight armed with what can only be described as the world’s most uncomfortable, scratchy, and potentially salmonella-infused undergarment: a bra stuffed with live turtles. I imagine the TSA is used to catching all sorts of banned items—liquids, oversized shampoos, emotional baggage—but I doubt “mobile reptile petting zoo” was high on their confiscation bingo card. This isn’t just a reptile dysfunction—it’s a full-scale logistical crisis. The turtles, it turns out, were absolutely not cleared for takeoff—no matter how “shell-shocked” the woman might have been at her impromptu strip search.

You might think that this is just a fluke, one of those moments when Florida, as is its tradition, decided to out-Florida itself. But, elsewhere in the world of unnecessary knowledge, a 102-year-old World War II veteran is prepping for his very first bar mitzvah at the Pentagon—at the spry age of 103, no less. Because, why let something like the calendar or the inexorable passage of time dictate your party schedule? Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. This gentleman waited for the better part of a century, went through a global conflict, and presumably waited for a cake big enough to fit all the candles without violating military fire codes.

If that’s not strange enough, let me transport you to a small French town where a bee attack injured 24 people, three seriously, and yes, one of those victims was 78 and had to be resuscitated. It’s like the bees had a conference and collectively decided, “Today, we overthrow the humans. Tomorrow, the world!” Somewhere, a wasp is definitely taking notes.

And for those who think history is boring, construction workers in the Netherlands just found a medieval sword with gold-copper symbols buried under a street. Because, why not? Maybe next week they’ll uncover a Viking hot dog cart or a Renaissance era espresso machine. Museum curators everywhere are drooling, and so am I, because I cannot think of a time when finding mysterious, possibly magical, bladed objects in city infrastructure has ever gone badly in any story, ever.

So what have we learned? Today, you absolutely do not need to know that anyone tried to sneak turtles through airport security by bra. You may not need to care about a centenarian’s long-overdue party at the Pentagon, or indeed the whereabouts of rogue medieval weaponry, or marauding French bees. But if you ever end up behind someone at a security checkpoint who looks a little too bulky around the chest and is sweating suspiciously, just remember: sometimes the news you absolutely don’t need is the news you remember forever.

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